I remember feeling completely numb, and I remember thinking this can't real; this isn’t happening to me. It didn’t make sense, we were happy, what happened? A question I asked myself every morning I had woken up since that argument. I felt like someone was holding onto my heart and squeezing it. Like I was living an awful moment from the past. I was in a bad dream. No, this was more than that; this was a nightmare that brought all the past trauma back! The body remembers, and it knew this feeling it had been here before. Our love story might not have been perfect after what I thought we had overcome, but it was ours, and it withstood an emotionally devastating storm that most might not come back from, but we had. We had just celebrated 20 years of marriage 25 years together in a big way ten-day vacation. It was perfect, magical, fabulous, and full of adventure. Scuba diving, beaches, cruising the ABC islands. Bliss, and full of hope and excitement for the future.
I had no idea the storm that was already occurring, the secrets that I didn't know. I was in no way prepared for it to all come crashing down. I was not ready for the truths I was going to learn about my life. I would have argued with anyone had they said we weren’t completely happy! Because I was perfectly happy about life and my future.
Then it happened the shift. The item removed. That was the moment I should have questioned more, and I didn’t. I will forever wonder, had I pushed harder than would it have made a difference? Then a few other moments that felt off than the big moment in December when everything inside me was screaming... YOU REMEMBER THIS FEELING.
I instead convinced myself I was depressed, and my hormones are off, I was gaining weight despite going to the gym daily and staying very active.
I blamed all my insecurities and issues. My instinct was screaming at me, and my mind was telling it to shut up, saying, it's you.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill, and so the internal battle had begun I had no idea the argument that was waiting for me that cold day in January.
I had been battling with myself for 41 long days at this point. I had said three days before this I need help I am going to get help. I need counseling, and when we get home, I am making arrangements because I can’t keep feeling crazy. It had all taken a toll on me the not eating the not sleeping the worrying I was exhausted. I had felt defeated. I was always the strong one, and I was so ashamed that I was struggling. Monday arrived, and I called the Ins and started looking for options. I had no idea that night, a Facebook message would come across with the words that would change it all. Words nobody would want to read, words that came from a stranger and had sat unopened for weeks. I would have never seen this message had someone asking about a flag, not asked me to check my other folder.
There it was the message that would leave me speechless a word that would trigger what I now know to be my first panic attack. It all went black. I sat on the floor because it all went black. I remember lying there on my back alone on the floor, willing my lungs to breath. Scared of what was happening, I could not catch my breath. Had I just read this?
A message came through from a friend, and all I could do was a screenshot and sent it. My phone rang, and she said, where did you get that? Facebook was all I could reply; she said you want me to come to get you. Yes! I hung up, and I heard him come in the door with the kids. I walked into the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. The text I am outside, and I knew I had to get out I had to go before my face showed every emotion I felt before whatever happened (panic attack) occurs again. I said, going for a ride be right back.
I sat in her car in shock, numb, disbelief, terror. She said, you okay; all I could answer was. No
In my head, I was thinking, is this real?
Can this be true?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE DONT LET THIS BE REAL.
I don’t remember much else that happened a text that said the accident occurred and that he was there. A Facebook stalk of her also posting the accident on her page. Who she was her age, and that’s when it hit me. My friend said 23 how do you compete with that!
I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said this couldn’t be true.
He wouldn’t!
He couldn’t!
Would he?
I knew the answer before the words left my mouth. He had before, but he promised never again.
I said, take me home.
She said, are you going to be okay?
No!
I knew I wouldn’t. I walked into the house 45 minutes after I left it. I was feeling worse. I knelt on the stairs, and by knelt I mean fell onto my knees, and I asked the Lord to undo it, I could not survive this again, I can’t I pleaded with him to make it go away, I asked him to let there be a better explanation then what I had already created in my mind. I said please, please, I beg of you don’t make me live this again. I don’t know how long I pleaded with the Lord on the stairs, but it was quite, and I knew I had to know! I walked up the stairs to our bedroom, and the soft glow of the TV was on. I looked at him asleep in bed. I stood there for a long moment because fear had taken over, and I wasn’t sure I wanted the truth.
I sat on my side of the bed I opened that message I reread it, and I called his name, then I placed my hand on his back and repeated his name, he rolled over, I said we need to talk I handed him my phone.
That message open to him; he read it and tossed my phone on the bed in front of me. The coldness in his response still gives me chills and his reply. Of course, you think it’s true. I looked into his eyes and said, is it?
No, and now he was angry.
I said, hand me your phone, what? I said, give me your phone. He picked up the phone opened it, and I said open Facebook. He did, I said, your friends with her, why?
He said I’m not, I said, but yes, you are, pull up her profile and give me your phone. He did, and at that moment, I was looking at the girl my child’s age. I was scrolling through her page, and there it was her version of the accident. I said I already messaged, sending her this exact screenshot and asking what truth there was. Her side of the story. I said I also looked for this Jodi person; the profile is fake. Whoever it was didn’t want to be known, they created an account to message me.
I would receive a reply from both of these individuals via facebook.
This moment is time will haunt me as it started a chain reaction of a year of truths I would find out about my life that I knew nothing about.
2018,2019 have been the hardest years I have had to face.
I have no doubt the lord is closest to the brokenhearted. He has never left my side even when I have yelled, ignored, questioned his plan, and cursed his name. He has been the one constant. I know he is there in all my weakest moments. I have witnessed small miracles, I have seen his hand in so many things, I have felt him carry me when all I can do is breath, I know that he has given me so much and so many people. It was through those people that I have survived. It has been both a humiliating and humbling experience. Why write, you ask? Why tell your story? I don't know honestly. In the beginning, I thought It was for me to help me heal, I still believe that to an extent, but I know there is a bigger purpose, the Lord has made sure I am aware of that. If I have learned anything is that I can only trust his plan as my own was shattered into a million pieces, so I can't believe in it anymore.
I struggle every day with this. Because both is hard and the battle of listening to both. Because the devil knocks and I listen!
The holidays are filled with joy. Except when that joy has been replaced with pain, physical loneliness, and emotional distress. All the befores have changed, you can’t do any of it the same as you feel that pain. Stockings, gifts, family! Your heart desperately trying to beat the same. They bring emotional distress, and I have had to let myself grieve. Like walking through a fog. That fog hasn’t lifted. I always just wanted to be together; that was the gift I wished it wasn’t hard, I wasn’t trying to be challenging what I wanted couldn’t be bought or wrapped. 
