Before I thought I knew what grief was. I had experienced grief at age 13 when both my grandparents passed in a matter of 2 months diabetes and a heart attack. Then at 24 when my dad passed away from cancer. I had heard many talk about it at 14. I didn’t understand much; at 24, it was difficult to understand. At 40, I got a better understanding of what grief really is. I am no way an expert on this; I have muddled my way through many different emotions. I've learned and can recognize what creates my depression, anxiety, sorrow.
I have learned a lot about the five stages of grief.
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
Clearly, I was in denial from the moment I got that 1st message about the affair. I lived in that denial for months, and I believed every lie he continued to tell. I was in denial that day he would choose to hold that gun to my head, the day he walked away. I was numb and in shock. Looking back, I honestly couldn't grasp the concept that my husband would do any of the things people were telling me he had done.
What I would learn was that denial and shock helpd me to cope and made survival possible. It was nature’s way of only letting in bits and pieces, only small pieces that I could handle until it all was dumped in my lap. I lived in that denial and also was full of a ton of hope that this wasn’t the end of it all.
I still remember the feeling I had the morning I woke up to mediation, and that day would be a fight with so many emotions.
Just remember you never have and will never stop climbing, and God will never and has never left you alone. There will definitely be times when you can't do it alone, but he has a rope waiting to throw down to you. That rope will come in many different ways and through many different people, but it will come.
I remember receiving this message that morning and sitting on my stairs sobbing. Sobbing and feeling fear. I didn’t have the strength that day, but others were cheering me on.
My denial period was over.
I couldn’t pretend my husband hadn’t had an affair, that he hadn’t left, that he wasn’t living with the “rumor” that lost him his career.
Because today I was going to walk into a building and it was all going to be talked about divided up no more denial.
My name was going to be attached to documents that were public records and I can promise you this grief would do a number on me. Strangers weren’t going to know the love I had for this man or everything we knew about each other and shared and they weren’t going to care; they get paid to end what you hold sacred. They would only know that all that died. It was an excruciating thing to come to terms with. This day is the reason I can’t and won’t use the D-word. No, not the swear word the one that ends a marriage. Over the last 2 years since this day finalized it with an email informing me, it was submitted and signed by the judge. I have heard many people talking about my denial, my grief; everyone who hasn’t lived this situation is an expert. I heard the when will she realize, or does she realize, let go, move on!
My name was going to be attached to documents that were public records and I can promise you this grief would do a number on me. Strangers weren’t going to know the love I had for this man or everything we knew about each other and shared and they weren’t going to care; they get paid to end what you hold sacred. They would only know that all that died. It was an excruciating thing to come to terms with. This day is the reason I can’t and won’t use the D-word. No, not the swear word the one that ends a marriage. Over the last 2 years since this day finalized it with an email informing me, it was submitted and signed by the judge. I have heard many people talking about my denial, my grief; everyone who hasn’t lived this situation is an expert. I heard the when will she realize, or does she realize, let go, move on!
What a journey and battle this has been since that denial phase of grief. I can see the many blessings of the denial stage now, because when it was really over when the pain hit.
The pain was INDESCRIBABLE and DEBILITATING. If you recognize someone in this stage just HUG them.
March 2018 Discovery
March 2019 it’s Final
March 2020 Covid
March 2021???
