CPTSD

 Been a little MIA recently trying to figure something out. Oh and writing in a different form. It’s kinda taken over the blog. It’s been falling into place, piece by piece. 

  

I had no idea what this stood for until 1 year ago when I was diagnosed by my first therapist. 

I thought PTSD was something only people who came back from war had. I learned really quickly that was not the case.

This is what had been plaguing me since January 16th 2018.  When I had first found him sitting on the back road, I found it strange then and wondered what the heck he was doing . Clarity now was he was waiting for a girl. Had I been 5-10 minutes later I probably wouldn’t have rolled up to him all alone, but with her. I wouldn’t have to spend months or weeks wondering and being lied to over and over and over again. I first asked the question I wasn’t sure I even wanted the answer to a week after this incident.  The fight that night on the 16th would change it all and him ignoring me like I hadn’t asked him. Him thinking I didn’t know something was wrong or him actually not caring that I was crying myself to sleep because I knew something was wrong. That question I feared but was hoping that I was wrong, if I wasn’t  that he would actually be honest with me.   

Do you want to know what it feels like? I will describe it the best I can. 

Paranoia 

Repeated intrusive thoughts. 

Unstable emotions. 

Out of body experiences. 

Alternating between feeling numb and striking out in retaliation. 

Inability to stop your mind from searching for the truth. 

Feeling overwhelmingly powerlessness, crazy and broken. 

Needing to regain self worth, but blaming yourself.

Confusion and disorientation.

The trauma of betrayal and the trigger of memories of buried emotional and not to mention the spiritual damage. 

Yes what he had done prior, but claimed was noting, All came rushing back in like a open flood gate all hitting me at once. 

When those prior traumatic experiences are triggered and re-emerge, they become complex and complicate the healing process.  

Healing, yes healing is the most difficult thing there is for someone after infidelity!  Praying every single day that tomorrow will be the day that you will wake up and be okay. That tomorrow has never come. 

If this is something you are struggling with after infidelity. I am sorry I know how you feel the utter devastation of every fiber of your being.

The daunting task that you will now have to try and heal yourself and failing over and over. The weight you carry alone for minutes that turn to hours, that turn to days, that turn to weeks, and into months and then years.  Wondering if you will actually ever be okay. I have felt that pain you feel, deep in your chest.  The endless nightmares that you wish would go away. I have cried the tears that just wont stop no matter what you try. I am there I have felt the love of others and the love of my savior when I am deep in the darkness and I can’t see any light. I know I have an army behind me cheering me on even when the only thing I may be able to do some days is breath! 

Much love to all of you with the same shattered heart like mine. May the lord bless you with your tomorrow. 

            

❤️ LOVE ❤️

But what if it isn’t?

I’m so sick of the way I continue to beat myself up for loving. For some reason, I keep carrying that weight, I feel it every single day. I let the heaviness consume me. I have tried to use the pain to help me grow. If only I could stop thinking I was the problem. I wasn’t enough, love wasn’t enough. I been rewinding back through every moment and wonder what I did so wrong, could I have done better?

Yes of course I could.

Could I have reacted different? 

You better believe it. 

I have made myself physically sick, weak with fear. The tears that continue despite punishing myself if they do. 

The failure deep in my chests. The inner demons I battle everyday when I wake up to this reality. The blame game in my mind. I view myself totally different then those around me. I had thought I had found the right person I thought I had the love I always dreamed of. The truth, I had, in my mind, and in my heart I had!
Love isn’t perfect. Just like we are not perfect.  I had found what I felt was perfect for me. 

The wholeness I felt when with him. To me it was something beautiful, magical, REAL! 

It wasn’t hard for me to love, at times I know I loved him more than I loved myself. 

Over the past year and 1/2 I have told myself I must have been me that was very difficult to love. 

I knew I wasn’t perfect and I had flaws so I didn’t expect him to be perfect and I loved him despite his flaws. 

Here’s the beautiful truth about love I had for that human. 

It was messy at times, it was super complicated, it was flawed, times when it was broken, crazy, wonderful, and  imperfect.

It seems silly, stupid and down right crazy To think that I did love him through all of his imperfections. He was mine. The sinner, the saint, the sucky, the wonderful, the hurtful, the helpful, imperfect person was mine for 25 years and I did love him despite the infidelity, the addiction, all things I was unaware of. I loved despite all the things he had done to disappoint me. 

That’s what love is. It’s not about keeping track of all the ways one screws up or which one try’s harder. It’s not easy it’s not  perfect. It’s about loving people for who they are despite the hurt he had caused. I found all the things I loved about him and overlooked all the things that hurt me. 

Today I will stop hanging my head for loving a man that was imperfect, I will stop beating myself up for not seeing the signs, for overlooking and forgiving his sins. I will stop hating myself for loving even if it shattered every piece of me. I will stop wondering why love was actually not enough. I will stop comparing myself and all my imperfections because of someone else’s choice. Imperfections are what make us human. 

I know that the savior loves us all the sinner, the saint,  the whole and the shattered. Even if love isn’t enough and I succeed or I fail. He has guided me to this path, and today he confirmed it to this stubborn heart that continues to fight it. Once more that this is my path. I prayed for the words to write next and Love was my answer. All the reasons I loved this imperfect man I gave 25 years. 

I know before I write the next part I have to write who he was to me.

He was my husband, my best friend, my eternal companion, my confidon, my protector, the father of my children, he was my safe place, he was there for every adult decision, life choices, all the highs and lows the good and the bad, and he was my person.