CPTSD

 Been a little MIA recently trying to figure something out. Oh and writing in a different form. It’s kinda taken over the blog. It’s been falling into place, piece by piece. 

  

I had no idea what this stood for until 1 year ago when I was diagnosed by my first therapist. 

I thought PTSD was something only people who came back from war had. I learned really quickly that was not the case.

This is what had been plaguing me since January 16th 2018.  When I had first found him sitting on the back road, I found it strange then and wondered what the heck he was doing . Clarity now was he was waiting for a girl. Had I been 5-10 minutes later I probably wouldn’t have rolled up to him all alone, but with her. I wouldn’t have to spend months or weeks wondering and being lied to over and over and over again. I first asked the question I wasn’t sure I even wanted the answer to a week after this incident.  The fight that night on the 16th would change it all and him ignoring me like I hadn’t asked him. Him thinking I didn’t know something was wrong or him actually not caring that I was crying myself to sleep because I knew something was wrong. That question I feared but was hoping that I was wrong, if I wasn’t  that he would actually be honest with me.   

Do you want to know what it feels like? I will describe it the best I can. 

Paranoia 

Repeated intrusive thoughts. 

Unstable emotions. 

Out of body experiences. 

Alternating between feeling numb and striking out in retaliation. 

Inability to stop your mind from searching for the truth. 

Feeling overwhelmingly powerlessness, crazy and broken. 

Needing to regain self worth, but blaming yourself.

Confusion and disorientation.

The trauma of betrayal and the trigger of memories of buried emotional and not to mention the spiritual damage. 

Yes what he had done prior, but claimed was noting, All came rushing back in like a open flood gate all hitting me at once. 

When those prior traumatic experiences are triggered and re-emerge, they become complex and complicate the healing process.  

Healing, yes healing is the most difficult thing there is for someone after infidelity!  Praying every single day that tomorrow will be the day that you will wake up and be okay. That tomorrow has never come. 

If this is something you are struggling with after infidelity. I am sorry I know how you feel the utter devastation of every fiber of your being.

The daunting task that you will now have to try and heal yourself and failing over and over. The weight you carry alone for minutes that turn to hours, that turn to days, that turn to weeks, and into months and then years.  Wondering if you will actually ever be okay. I have felt that pain you feel, deep in your chest.  The endless nightmares that you wish would go away. I have cried the tears that just wont stop no matter what you try. I am there I have felt the love of others and the love of my savior when I am deep in the darkness and I can’t see any light. I know I have an army behind me cheering me on even when the only thing I may be able to do some days is breath! 

Much love to all of you with the same shattered heart like mine. May the lord bless you with your tomorrow.