I struggle and fail daily on the forward. I think it might be because of the letting go, letting go of what I had planned, The future I was happy with, the future I thought I would have. I am not there yet!
I have prayed over and over asking what do I do next. How do I heal? I fight it over and over again it comes in answers to my prayers, a friends text. It’s that still small voice whispering to me. You know what to do and you refuse to do it.
Yes sharing, writing, it’s difficult to talk about, it’s hard to bear your soul to strangers. It’s the judgment of other. I think I am sorta doing it, although I find a million other things to do. Except the one thing I have been asking for over a year. I am not sure I am ever going to nderstand why this happened the way it did, But it did. I have wanted to change it so many times. I cant change it even though I have tried with all of me wishing it were not real. There are days I don’t want to open my eyes. I want to pretend none of it happens that I didn’t have to live it for another day. I was asked to have faith. He had asked me to love myself and trust my talents. He has told me I got you, I won’t let you fail. Failure that I feel has surrounded me at everything turn. He has asked me to love even when it was hard. 
How I wish I could tell you that I have done it all right, that I have done it perfectly. I haven’t, I have failed most days. Trying to navigate a situation I prayed to not live. I have done my best and have given my all and in the end I did feel like I failed. He didn’t care he was there every step of the way, he has watched every tear fall, heard every conversation, every action. He wants me to trust and believe he loves me even when I can’t love myself. He has been there when it was too hard and I begged for another way. He has watched me stumble and get back up time and time again when the weight is to heavy. He has sent some of the most amazing people just for me. The people he knew were going to be a source of light and were answers to prayers even before I asked him to send me someone. He hasn’t give up on me even when I have given up on myself.
This past week at stake conference, I was sitting there feeling like I just don’t fit in. Trying to listen from the very back and keeping my mind from the swirling of thoughts.
Then there was this...
Be still, listen, then the words that were spoken by Elder Gong. There it was the part he needed me to hear. I applied it to me. I can’t hold on to save myself, but I can and will hold on to save kids, with the help of other’s and the Savior.
This I know is the only reason I haven’t quit when the pain was too much to bear, when my world stopped spinning while everyone else’s kept turning.
I was reading a update of Facebook about the teens that were in the auto accident and one of the mom’s posted this.
I knew I was to read it. She mentioned how she read it and then 2 people shared it with her.
I guess I must have also needed it because I read her post last night and today 2 amazing special ladies shared it with me within 45 minutes of each other. I have no doubt the lord is mindful of me. I know he knows the silent pleadings of my heart and I know he hears and answers my prayers. I know he will never leave me even when I feel like I am failing at every turn. He is standing there to carry me.
I know without a doubt that this gospel is true. I could never deny it after this last year and seeing his hand in my life.
Much love to all of you out there struggling, to all of you who feel like you are failing. For you who find it hard to love anything about yourself,
He is there!
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