Nightmare

The email sent after weeks of asking and pleading and begging for him to tell me what was going on. I had to go back and look for an old email and this! The past was haunting me. I debated on reading it, I opened it and then I closed it. I found the email I was looking for, and then I scrolled back to it again. I had to remind my heart and my head that I fought for him, us, and our eternal family. I will admit it wasn't easy to reread it. I deleted some very personal lines, but this is the entirety of the email dated February 19th, 2018.
When I reread it, my heart broke all over again.
Why could he not just tell me?
Why didn’t he try and fix it before it blew up our lives?
Why wasn’t this email enough to make him stop something I sensed. It would be seven days later that the message that had been sitting since February 8, unopened, would be discovered.
Answers I will never get.
 A past that haunts me.
The future could have been different if this could have ever been enough.
If I could have been enough.
 I have spent a lot of hours and $ on counseling on that simple phrase.
I was not enough at this moment I was not enough in the days, weeks, and months leading up to the tornado that I still stand-in. It's real, it’s raw, and it hurts like Hell!

Here I sit again while you sleep next to me. I don’t know what to think or how to feel, and you are seriously messing with my mind. I almost think you want it; that way, the crazier I become, the easier it will be for you. You can’t stand that I have any emotion, if I cry you ignore me completely, I feel like you criticize every move I make, every word I say, to the point that I don’t want to say anything at all. I don’t care turned into, “do you care about anything.” Yes, I care about a lot of things, one being our marriage that We have built for 20 years. I want you to fight just once for it. I want you to care also. Why is it if I struggle at all? I get nothing but anger and resentment from you?
You want me to talk to you and communicate, but when I do, you ignore it altogether. I am sad, lost with nowhere to turn. I can not shake the feeling that something is going on. I can’t ask or say anything because I fear the reaction. I want to be a priority, and maybe that’s selfish, but when the kids grow, and jobs end, we will only have each other. I have no idea why I am even writing this because I won’t send it because I can’t take the rejection of you ignoring this like you did the last message I sent you.
That was damaging to my very core, and I have to put it down on paper so that I can get it out of my head in the hopes that it will stop eating me alive. You're here, but you're not here; you don’t see me or hear me.
I am having a tough time communicating anything because I still have no idea where you stand your actions don’t mirror your words, and I am so confused. I have no freaking idea what you want; you said you struggle, but why. What is it that makes you struggle? And if you were struggling, why haven’t you talked to me about it before. I wish I didn’t feel this way like I am reliving a nightmare from the past, I want this feeling to go away but it won’t it nags at me daily, and you are not helping with all of that at all. Placing a privacy screen on your phone, turning off apps because of my tracking comment, not sharing things with me, thinking I am trying to log into your email, at this point I want to hack every single account you own, but I know that makes me look even crazier... I also know that it would be pointless. I would not find a thing, you are smarter than that, and it would make me feel any better about my level of crazy.
Answer me this, and I don’t want the I don’t know what I want, I lived that once before and it broke me, and I refuse to live in that state again. Please, I beg of you to tell me what you want. Help me understand why it is you struggling. I started to feel the disconnect in December, and I should have said something then, but again, it makes me sound crazy when I say I have this feeling that something is up. How do I approach that?

I am afraid, and I need you.
I am afraid you’re going to run, and we’re going to lose everything. All these years, all I’ve wanted since meeting you was to grow old with you. You’re the person who makes me feel safe, and you’re not here, making me feel safe because there’s this wall now. I gave you my heart long ago, and I choose you.
I BELIEVE in you. That you can be and do and achieve whatever you want. I’m sorry I don’t say it more.
I APPRECIATE you. That you give so much of your time and effort to providing all that you do for me, I don’t say ‘thank you’ nearly enough. I am so grateful to you.
I FORGIVE you. Because I know you do not set out to hurt me. And I’m sorry that I hold grudges and put up walls with you when my feelings are hurt. It’s a defense mechanism, and I’m trying to stop.
There are many people in my life that I love. I inherited almost all of them: parents, kids, siblings, friends, and extended family. But I didn’t inherit you. I choose you!!! I love you. Because I woke up today and chose you .” And I’m promising as I did on our wedding day, that I’m going to wake up every day and pick you no matter how I’m feeling. My feelings are always going to change. But my choice on this matter will not...I am yours, ALWAYS & FOREVER!!! I don’t know what eternity looks like, or how to get there. But I know that with you holding my hand, we’re going to find it.
Please choose me too.
Love, Me
The sad, hurtful truth, this was not enough.  I remember then as I do now how much that hurt. I was trying to fix whatever was going on, and he was shutting me out. I had no idea at the time why.
I was chasing him, and the truth was not enough.
I wasn’t enough to stop him from all the choices he was making.
I wasn’t enough for the truth that I would learn in a few short days and the emotional turmoil that would follow for months to come. I would try and believe all the lies, the manipulation, the gaslighting all so he could continue to hide his choices. He would say all the right words, but his actions didn’t match his words. Truths he was holding because he didn’t respect me enough, to be honest.
I asked the Lord to please help me decern between his truths and his lies. I asked him to guide me to the truth. The fact that it was just about to shatter me to my core. The truth I wouldn’t learn from his mouth but from the mouths of others and the realities that the Lord wanted me to know. The Lord kept telling me to fight to save this, and I thought I was prepared to do just that, but I was not aware that the devil was also going to stand there knocking.
I wasn’t prepared for the battle I would fight between the two or what it would do to me.

What in the actual HELL?

Yes, I am writing from a place of pain, I am writing from a place of sadness, and I am writing from a place of what in the actual HELL happened. I remember the argument we had on January 16th. I remember asking why am I never enough? I asked him why he was keeping things from me? I remember being angry that I was being left out of his everyday life. He was closing me off, and I couldn't figure out why? It had been ten days, and I could still feel the strain something was, not right. I finally faced the fear and said, I feel like there is a strain, and I am not sure how to fix it.  I asked him how we fix it. He said he is sick of feeling like he has to make me happy that I was scrutinizing every action. As I read that, I can not for the life of me understand the desperation and pleading in my voice, and I was placing the blame on me, making it my fault he said I didn't appreciate anything he does for me. Oh, how hard it is to read any of it. What was I fighting for what? For the lies, the deception? For the cheating?
I asked over and over what he wanted, begging him to tell me. I just wanted to get back to the amazing us. Whatever this was, I wanted it to be resolved. I said I was sorry over and over again.  I don't want it to be like this; this didn't make sense to me. I tried my best to fix it, and no matter what I did, he rejected it all. He pushed me further and further away. I was not sleeping, and I couldn't make myself eat, I was going through the motions, every day it was something new to pick at, he would say I didn't need or want him, then he would say I didn't appreciate him,  then it was I was overreacting. Then it was me not looking at him.he would say we are unhappy, and I would respond I am not unhappy with my life. What the Hell is going on.  I was spinning, and I could not keep it all straight. I thought I was going crazy. I was nothing I just ceased to coexist. I finally had enough at 1:25 am January 27th I wrote it a long text, I bore it all I put it all out there, every feeling all my insecurities and what I was feeling asking him what had changed and why?
I thought all I want is for him to wrap me in his arms and say we are going to figure this out whatever it is. We have survived so much, and this is just a little argument. So I sent the text and wrapped him in my arms, he stirred at the sound of the incoming text, and I said it's just me and I felt him drift off to sleep. I prayed that this would help whatever was happening and that this would soften whatever was going on, and that argument that had lingered for way too long. I was confused at what we were even upset at. It was now something entirely different.
The next morning he got up went to play ball, and I watched as my phone went from delivered to read. He didn't say a word, not a word about the novel text I had sent bearing my soul, not a single word for days, then weeks, and almost a month.
I couldn't understand how someone could watch the tears flow and not say a single word, how someone sitting next to you was in pain, and you ignored them like they were not there. He could and would say all the words, but his actions spoke different, and I was about to be told of the rumor on none other than facebook messenger.
I was living a nightmare, and it was about to get worse. It was about to trigger every fear that ever existed, and it was all going to come rushing to the surface, and all the pieces where going to start falling into place and my life was about to get dark really really dark, and I could not hold on anymore it would prove to be too much for me and it would change everything about me.