How do you react when you realize that your life has been a lie?
That moment you realize you had not a clue what was going on in your marriage.
It was not realizing that so much was hidden and secret.
D-day life before and life after D-day.
This was it, the day that message came through; D-day (discovery day) where my gut feeling was confirmed.
The convincing lies from this date that so easily slipped from his lips the lips that said it’s not true none of it the blaming others. That promise that we would get through this. That he would never leave, maybe the biggest lies were the words I love you that also slipped from the same lips.
I will never know if it was one of his many lies too? Here was this man that I respected, admire, and trusted, who was gaslighting me with his secret life that was secret and hidden. It was a direct lie, and it just got worse the psychological-emotional abuse. Because I guess after 25 years, I didn’t deserve the truth, but you know what I clung to the lies. Not a single part of me wanted it to be real. The man I loved would never hurt me like this, not again, he promised me. He watched what it had done before he knew the work I had put in, and he said I was his everything. How would someone do this to someone they proclaimed to love. There is this funny thing about the infidelity in my marriage; we had survived it. Twice! (his words exactly we are stronger and better because of it.) I trusted that. I was happy and thought we had moved forward. I didn’t realize then what I do now was that the lies just got better, and I was the complete and utter fool in what I thought was our incredible love story. I was the fool to love a man with every fiber of me, and I put the work in because I loved him no matter what, and you don’t walk away from the people you love.
What I would discover was that it was a lie too. That never again, that just meant never again get caught, but now he had. I remember the whole conversation I had with the girl denying it all.
Yes, because she would "for sure would never want that for us and hope all goes well.
I wonder what she did want for us?
The lies she quickly told also because he coached her. I made sure that I asked the question that I already had the truth too. She lied, he shared with her what I had said, and then he asked me not to speak to her again after I caught her in the biggest lie, the one I could prove. That’s when he said, stop communicating with her. I bet he gave her the same advice. I knew him I knew all of him, I forgot he knew me too, and he knew I would not stop looking for the truth and that’s what scared him. His truths were coming out and not this current truth, the facts he had been hiding for years.
Only they did come out, and they helped destroy what was left as I was fighting for him, he was struggling to continue his lying sneaking and his affairs. The destruction the lies would cause, the damage, and the emotions that came back from all the years, heart-wrenching. Terror, fear, a nightmare. That's what I was living. It was indeed the lying that hurt the very most.
I was asked in therapy if I could go back and tell my younger self something what would it be?
After a lot of harsh words about that younger me and criticizing myself.
I said I would tell her its not your fault, and to any of you reading, its not your fault that you trusted and that it wasn't my fault that he struggled with his addictions, and acting out. That it wasn't my fault that he lied, manipulated. My only crime was that I loved and trusted him. I have beat myself up for believing the lies; others have criticized me for believing the lies. It was the question I had asked myself over and over again when others started asking it hurt. Did you not know? How did you not know? My reply most times was I guess love is blind, or I guess I was that stupid, and I trusted him.
What I have learned is words like co-dependent, abuse, addiction, recovery, boundaries. I have had to do a lot of work to not feel bad for loving someone. Real love doesn't walk away, it sticks around for good, bad and the ugly, and I had seen the good the bad and the ugly and I was willing to give my life and love and risk it all for that amazing person I loved. In the end, it shattered me.
When you have someone in your life that you want to love and take care of, there is nothing wrong with you; it just means you love deeply. I wanted simple answers simple solutions, and I know when someone you love fails, you grieve, and inside of grief is remorse. I know you already feel like you have done something wrong and know you have done the best way you know how to fix it. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a hero, a resilient survivor. You have given yourself, your energy to someone else. It is natural normal and healthy, to love your family and fight to give up yourself for the people you love, You held the light to who they use to be. The reason you stayed was that you saw the good in them, the things you loved. Understood all the problems, the person who might be worth holding out for despite the pain, hoping they will get well and become the person you saw the good. You stayed because of LOVE, Your efforts were because of that love that good. Find support find help, and know you have done nothing wrong all your attempts to heal your family and stay connected even if you looked crazy on the outside and felt even crazier on the inside for holding on.
So to my younger me, I will not ask questions of why? I will say I support your decision and know that the reason you stayed was not that you believed the lies but because you believed in the LOVE.
