What if?

                

What if I am, trying, but then I close my eyes?

What if TIME doesn't do what it’s supposed to do?

What if I never get over?

What if I never get closer?

What if it never gets better?

I’m trying?

What if I gave everything I got?

What if your love was my only shot? 

What if I never get over you? 

The what if’s play with my head and my heart more often then I care to admit. 

When I started writing, I had no idea the flood of questions that would come in.

The what if’s? 

How do you?

Tell me it’s?

Why did you stay? 

The writing started back in 2011 for a few years, I wrote, I blogged it all, and I never hit publish. I stopped writing, and I lived, and I loved, and believe it or not, I forgave. I let that wall fall, and I gave my all. It wasn’t easy, and I finally accepted the words never again. I believe it made us stronger, better people. I 100% trusted. I loved him with every bit of me and thought he felt the same. Was love just a lie?

I have prayed from this nightmare and time to do what it’s supposed to do.

I remember praying that morning at 3am for this very thing.

It took me forever to even turn the radio on in my car as I couldn’t keep the tears away I think 3 months I would drive in silence  When the sound of the road and my own thoughts finally drove me insane I started listening to self-help books to and from work. Then I started listening to podcasts. The music finally came about 8 months later the radio would be switched at any song that I was familiar with, or that would cause the tears to flow.

Until that morning, when I turned it on, and the new Lady A Song started playing from the first line, I knew I should have switched off the radio, but it what I had just prayed that morning, so I let it play, and I let the tears fall. Then I found it on my Apple Music downloaded it, and I listened on repeat and knew this was my answer.

The What if’s will not go away because time hasn’t done what it’s supposed to do.

When I close my eyes, I know at 3am I will be woken up with a dream I don’t want.

The closure I longed for that I will never get.

Oh, time I have a post about that.

I thought I was only writing for me to help heal me if that’s even possible. I had no idea how many others there are just like me out there. This writing has taken on a much bigger purpose, and it scares me because I am not qualified, and I know it’s not all me because I can’t write, I can’t spell, and I am awful with punctuation. I said to the Lord, are you sure.

I wonder if he wants to hit me when I question if I have what it takes to write this?

Trust me, I got you. I know without a doubt that he does, and I know the words flow freely from me because of him. They have all come together. I sat in church Sunday, looking homeless and with an emptiness I haven't felt for a while and then. It happened a talk for me. Daniel 3 17,18 if it be so our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king, BUT IF NOT, be it known unto thee. O king that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up.
So what if's will be but if not.

I will trust his plan as mine hasn’t turned out the way I wanted or hoped or begged for.

I have no other options but to know he has me.

This plan is way bigger then I could have even imagined, and as it keeps falling into place, I will continue to write and chase my what If’s and but if not.