Dark

As I slid from my bed, willing my lungs to breathe, trying to run from the pain. Before I knew it, the ground was before me, and it all went dark. The attacks haven’t happened for quite some time I had learned to control it; I had worked on it to prevent it from happening. Maybe it was that nightmare and my lungs trying to gain air, and I needed to breathe, but before I knew it, the ground came hard and fast. 

I tried to ignore it, but all of me knew what day today was the dream that I can’t escape, the one I can’t quite talk about, not even in therapy because it leaves me in a heap. When I look into his eyes, they are dead. My past and the future, I thought I would have, gone just like that...

His ability to make me feel beautiful, now I know that wasn’t just reserved for me; it was all a lie. The past that haunts me, that comment, “I faked it.”

I often felt like I was failing him and failing my kids. Failure because I couldn’t save him, us, a piece of me shattered because I had no idea I was the only one trying. The pieces of me that died and some I fear will stay dead. My husband was a part of me, and now it’s a void that can’t be filled. 

That trauma that creates bile to rise, a ringing in my ears, restrictions of my lungs, and that darkness. The thoughts that death would have been so much better than this. The thoughts and images tormented me and physically made me vomit. I turned on the shower, and I climb in. I know it’s dark and I am alone. 

Trauma is weird; it affects so much. 

In the beginning, the wailing that was coming from me—terrified me on more than one occasion, the tears that would leave me drained and my head pounding. The pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. My lungs didn’t know how to take a deep breath. I knew as long I still cared, he could and would willingly hurt me. 

I couldn’t make my head, or my heart understand or let it be a reality. Therapy has taught me It’s going to take a long time to give him up, that man I loved, admired, and cherished. SOMEDAY I hope. 

The failure inside me that’s kicking and screaming. The daily battles I just wanted that feeling to disappear to go away, please go away, if only it would go away without me having to do any work. The many days my body may get up, but my soul and mind want to remain on that pillow under that blankets, I leave behind a piece of me there most days the damaged ones that need extra comfort. 

The hardest thing is when people smile, I either look away as fast as I can, or I don’t look at them at all. I often believe they can see my toxic thoughts or that idiot kicking and screaming for me to let her out. 

Could someone please explain to me so that my head and my heart could understand how and why did he do any of this. I am a mess on this day, and you know what not a single person could give me the answer that would soothe my soul. I knew what forever looked like and now I can’t see it I can’t feel it, FOREVER and ALWAYS words that mean nothing. In therapy, I often ask?  Tell me how he could look me in the eye and tell me he loved me, kissed me every day, and lie? Not just little lies complete and utterly devastating lies. The kind you couldn’t live with if you had told yourself. That answer hasn’t come. It was the lies that shattered me the most because I am split between the truth of my life and the lies. 

What was REAL?

The shower, what a magical place it is, catches all my tears. It’s the place where I let it all out, that failure kicking and screaming and convinces me nearly every day that death would have been so much better than this nightmare. 

The stabbing pain in my chest, the squeezing of my lungs, I can feel the pull of the darkness, and I have to will my lungs to breath because I know what happens next if they don’t. Darkness and It is now more of a dull ache but can still spill the pieces of my shattered heart.

Yes, I talk about the disaster inside my head to my therapist I don’t hold back, and neither does all the failure I see stacking up. Then it’s his words again. “You have succeeded just like you have made it know to others.”

Begging = FAILED yes people this happened not even a little proud of me. 

Loving = FAILED had I failed at this? Am I still asking myself this question?

Fasting/Praying for a Miracle = Failed was I doing it wrong? 

Eternal Marriage = Failed oh ya, and do I mention I am sealed to a man who walked away from it all, the questions of this that are so unsettling to my heart. 

 Trauma Therapy = Failing oh yes, did you know they have therapy for all my issues? 

EMDR= Failed, this is no joke. I felt like every emotion was tormenting me for a full month once a week I spent an hour sobbing my head off. I would leave feeling drained, and then the words that made me know I failed. I not sure how to help you. Let me refer you to a CSAT... I know this will happen again, and I tell you all I dread it. 

Suicide = Failed I was going to leave this one-off. Then I decided to leave it as to why keep hiding from the truth. 

Enough = Failed I still ask this question almost every therapy session, why wasn’t I enough, and I usually get the same answer.  But I keep asking it, hoping that it will sink in. 

Trusting = Failed Ya, I didn’t see it coming.

Strength = Failed I use to believe I could survive anything, and now I know that a trigger can drop me to my knees in an instant. 

Relationship = FAILED I tried to save it, but it wasn’t enough for him, never was! 

LETTING GO = FAIL FAILURE in a big way, and I actually can’t stand when people say this. Why? Let go of 25 years of your life. Choose all the things you can erase easily. Not so simple, is it?

MARRIAGE = Failed yep because the D-word is the devil. It’s a word I won’t use on anything. I can’t stand it. Never wanted it, but what choice do you have when your husband moved in with this girlfriend? 

Healing = Failing gosh, this is work, hard work, and its every day, did you know you get homework in therapy. Ya, and you have dailies. Yes, permission to talk to myself. Working wonders, as you can see. I blame this day, April 18. 

I have been MIA because it’s been hard with everything going on, and people keep saying let’s go back to normal; you all what is normal because I been searching for it for two years now. 

These are the words for two years succeed haven’t left my mouth. After that message, I let those words keep me up for days. So yes, failing again for allowing his words to make me feel like I was not making forward progress. Yep looks like I have “succeeded like I have made it know.” Today I let his voice remind me of all my failures; the devil knocks, and I listen to all the reason I have failed or am failing. Tears are flowing, and I failed at keeping the from falling once again. Just something else to add to the list of things I have failed in the last two years. Now I failed at sleep also, the rest my mind so desperately craves it’s the nightmare of that dream I can’t quite talk about. As I laid in the shower in the dark, quiet night, between the sobs, I hear his other words the not so cruel ones the words you didn’t deserve this...but I struggle to believe them also because which are real and which are fake. I just wanted to go to bed one night and wake up from this nightmare that shattered my amazing comfortable life. I cried myself to sleep last night, knowing what today wasn’t anymore. 

The failure that surrounds me, I don’t want this darkness I can see the light all around just out of my grasp, I can see the light shining, and I know I have made it too far to give up now. Too far to let that darkness slide back in and keep me stuck in fear. I knew that nightmare, and this day triggered this attack I just wasn’t prepared for it because I had fought long and hard to prevent the panic attack from occurring.

In the darkness that scary darkness I am reminded of all the light that surrounds me the many people that fill my life with light the ones that have been a source since day one and have let me borrow their light from time to time, they asked for nothing in return or the pieces of their light I stole. They are my light in the darkness; they are my reminder that the lord won’t let us stay dark forever. He gives us people to share the light. He is the light! That morning that I wrote that list of failures, you know what happened? The words were spoken as if the lord was kneeling next to me. MY CHILD, YOU HAVE ONLY FAILED WHEN YOU STOP TRYING. You are not alone! 

I knew I wasn’t and that I had not been alone through all the failures, or victory in the last two years, every tear and heartbreak and I often feel alone, but I knew he was never going to leave me alone even when I fail.  He is there; he is listening, and he loves you through all the failures.