Maybe the world knows this about infidelity. I, however, was so clueless as to how it felt to be abandoned, to be traded in. I often wished for death after this moment because, at least in death, there was no choice; it wasn’t a choice to leave.
In this abandonment, a choice was made.
Guess what I gained from that choice.
Trust issues, self-esteem issues, sleep problems.
The words you were never sensitive to that now when said, you place your hand on your chest to prevent the shattered pieces of your heart from spilling all over the floor.
I became a case number for a lawyer, a date on the calendar for a mediator. The petitioner, in that case, filed in the system. A judge you have no say in, it’s like Russian Rullett, my fate was now in the hands of a stranger. No risk, no big deal; it’s just the rest of your life, and the judge won’t care about adultery.
Without being unkind about attorney’s but do they have your best interest, it’s a business, and it makes them a lot of $$$, it’s common practice for them to end something that You hold very sacred. This was about to affect every area of my life for the rest of my life, and I was going to have to fight for it.
I remember the day I was given the number and that he was expecting my call. It took me 3 days to work up the courage to do so. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I did need some advice on what I could do going forward about finances. So I dialed the number, and I pressed send my heart was pounding, the hello came, and I said my name and said I was told to contact you for some legal advice. The words that came next surprised me. “I have a conflict of interest.” My shocked voice said OH. He explained why and I knew he knew the other half’s side to the story as he had defended the other party involved. I said well, I guess you know me and also some of my story. He said as long as you understand that I know this, we can go forward if you choose.
I agreed. I explained that I was in serious trouble with finances as I had not received much up to this point, and I was worried about how I was going to pay my bills; he told me to just not to pay them if I couldn’t. I knew at the end of this my credit needed to be okay also, so I told him that wasn’t an option I was willing to take, and what were my other choices; he gave me some information, and I thanked him, and he said can I give you some additional advice? I said, sure. He said "protect yourself and file" matter of factly he said that’s where I see this going. A lump in my throat and tears started to stream down my face; I said, right now, I don’t feel like that the direction, I am supposed to go at this time. He said okay, let me know when you are ready.
I hung up, and I said under my breath, NEVER.
But he was right; it’s precisely where it headed. That D words that ends it all. I remembered the day I had my 1st consult, and by consult, I mean not the free phone call but an actual come sit in my office, but you will need to bring a hearty retainer to do so.
I prayed all day that if this wasn’t what the Lord wanted to, please allow something to happen so that I couldn’t make the meeting, and then you know what I did.
I waited for something to happen, so I wouldn’t have to actually go meet with a lawyer to pay him to end what I never wanted to end.
Guess what? As the clock ticked by and as it got closer, nothing happened, and so I refused to park at the office. I parked down the street and walked a slow, painful, dreaded walk.
Have you ever had to make one of those walks the one you have to make because your husband is now living with his girlfriend, and everyone knows it walks? Let me tell you about the walk of shame.
It’s rejection
It’s abandonment
It is walking into a stranger's office forced to tell what happened and pay him for it. I never wanted this, I say to him and his words, let me tell you they are paid to say all sorts of amazing things you don’t want to hear, and it’s your money. He came highly recommended, and so there I sat with this stranger giving him my debt the details of my life I didn’t share, but he required me to give it all.
Then he said do you have any proof for adultery because Utah is a fault state. I said I do, the office has a tape. What came out of his mouth next was, “good, I am glad you know about the tape.” That was the moment I realized my attorney knew a lot more about my situation. I said, wait, you heard the tape. He said I have, as you remember me telling you about defending the other party in a matter. I had forgotten entirely as this conversation happened almost a month prior, and heck at this point, I couldn’t remember my name most days.
He asked me what I wanted, and I said, you want an honest answer?
I said I don’t believe God is okay with this divorce, I said I have battled this all day, and I want to just be fair. He said my job is to make it suitable for you. I signed the papers, and I walked out, defeated. I now sat with paperwork to end my marriage, but let’s be honest for him, it was over the moment he walked out of our home and again the day he able to moved in with someone else while married to me. No weight had been lifted, I didn’t feel better, my heart was in pieces, and you know what I thought? Maybe this will be the slap in the face he said he needed. This will make him realize he is losing me. How sick and twisted is that? My husband is living with his girlfriend, and I still want to fight for him.
The following week I had just walked into my therapist's office, and my phone rang. I looked at her and said I am answering on speaker. I knew I couldn’t tell her this info without sobbing, but I could him. I said I agree with your council’s, and after realizing he is living with her, I want it to be Suitable for me. He said okay, I will make the adjustments I see fit and hung up. She looked at me and said, oh my! That was it for me. I crumbled, I placed my hands on my chest, and I knew I couldn’t prevent the shattered pieces from spilling all over her floor. I sat there sobbing and hyperventilating, snot and tears running down my face. She said this is a new development. I said yes, I spoke with the lawyer and I didn’t want to, but what choice do I have? He lives with her; my husband is living with his girlfriend, you know, the one he denied having an affair with for the last 7 months. Oh ya, she’s real, and he is living with her. She said, what do you want? I said, not this, but how do I show my kids the mother that allowed her husband to live with his girlfriend and does nothing about it? How do I let this be okay? She said this isn’t okay; there isn’t a thing about it that’s okay? She said, do the kids know? I said yes they saw the cars there as we went to clean.
I said I can’t understand? Help me understand. I said, now what? I told her God Hates divorce?
Her words, God isn’t going to ask you if your husband loved you; he is going to ask you if you loved him? I know your answer. I see it every time you come In. So what do I do? I asked? She said, you wait? Hell on Earth!
This is when all the flashbacks, all the trauma indeed came to the surface; this is when I lost me, this is when the trauma stated to the surface, and this is where I compete lost it; this is where I knew God was real, this is where I pleaded with him to be wrong to let me wake up from this nightmare. to not abandon me too
I felt alone, angry because nothing was working out, and the madness just kept coming. That road wasn’t paved, and others have walked it; some have run it, but it not the same for any of us. What this looks like for the one living it is not going to be the same for you or me. It’s not just the D-word or just this simple. It every waking moment, it every decision that has to be made, and the aftermath of that choice it’s what you suffer after the dust settles from that unpaved road with small pieces oh hearts you know you can’t pick up because they belong to the many that have had to walk the path before you. It the pieces you leave as you know, there will be ones to follow, and I can promise you this and maybe plead with you. If you are reading this and you are thinking about cheating, think of the aftermath, the part you won't have to hear or see when you walk away. The struggle with betrayal trauma, motherhood, trust, vulnerability. If you are considering it or doing it, I ask you to remember this. One simple action can and will completely alter someone's life. Think of the pieces of their heart-shattering on the floor. How they will feel totally abandoned.
