LOSSES

The day I was asked, “what was the hardest part.” I had to really think about it because there had been so much hard. So here goes the cold HARD truth of it!

Loss of sense of self-worth, loss of belief in self, and loss of hope in the future in general. 

It was all piling up now, the truths, the secrets the papers had been served, and the losses kept stacking up; I wasn’t just losing my husband, I was losing my best friend, my partner, my world, the future I was excited for. I had no idea at the time that I would lose people I thought loved me, the people I loved, it would be the friends that turned there back. I 

I would lose everything I thought I knew about my marriage, security, financial stability, jobs, I would Lose ME! 

What my husband had done had just blown up in my face and the reality that I lived a lie. 

The most shattering moment when I realized there, we so many more that I had no clue about. I was already devastated, and you know what I got to hear? Truths not from him but from the others. 

Trust shattered

Lives Shattered

Truth Shattered

 I SHATTERED

Oh, your husband was cheating on you . . . and now he is living with her . . . how does that feel?” 

Really?

 In a moment when all I wanted was to hide from the world, everyone was there watching me. Whispering, I hated going anywhere I could see the stares, I could hear the whispers and some not so wipers. I wanted to dig a hole and toss myself in. He had walked away. He didn’t have to see any of it. He left me to clean up the mess that was made by him, and deep down, I hated him for it.

 What was the hardest part? The discoveries, the rumors, I didn’t eat, I didn’t get out of bed unless it was forced to go to work because I knew I couldn’t lose my job. I didn’t do that well at this point, that’s for sure. 

Those truths just kept coming in text messages, Facebook messages, phone calls, the illicit email to her. The hard fact staring at me. They shattered everything I had left. Any piece of me that was left was now gone. So I stopped living; I was slowly dying. 

You ever wonder what sever depression looks like? I wouldn’t leave my bed for anything but to go to the bathroom for days at a time. I wasn’t eating or sleeping; everything hurt. I would carry on like this until one day, my mom said You have to get up, you have to live for your kids. She said they think they lost you too. Hard Truth is they have. I am not the same, I am not the mom they had; they have witnessed the trauma mom, I can’t fake it till I make it on this one. 

It was the neighbors.

The office manager that would lose us a cleaning job.

My Best friend, x2

A 

Bragging lady telling everyone she was actually his 1st affair.  

Now the girl he was living with while still married to me.

That depressed me couldn’t function, affair, attorney, divorce, loss loss loss. It’s all I could feel the shattering of the lady who’s husband was living with another girl. This was a real-life nightmare, and I really wanted to wake up. 

 The hardest part? You ask?

What could get harder?

The cruel words  

“You pushed me.”

 “you're a terrible mother, and I should have never left the kids with you.” That one is the one that I battle on a daily. Nothing can take that one away. Because honestly, I am scared I will never be that mom they once had before the trauma of all this. I can’t be her; she is gone and isn’t coming back. I am scared that what if this is what they get? What if I never get better despite all the therapy and the work. What if this is the best they have now. 

The hard reality I want a pause or reset button, a magic pill that would take away the pain. I have wished I could make it all better and fix all. Truth it all sucks 2 years of it the beliefs my kids now have. I want all the pain and sorrow they have to be gone taken away. 

I can't take away that I can’t heal them. Crap, I have a hard enough time trying to heal me.  I cannot protect them from the bad and ugly.

This is what I do know, I can testify that Heavenly Father has that power. That he is the reason, I have been given the words to say when they have asked questions for which I didn’t know and also needed the answer. He is the comforter in all my shattered hard moments and when fear keeps destroying me over and over with the hard. 

When I say the hard loss of the people, I loved. I have also been blessed with people that have helped me—the very best people guiding the hard dark path. 

He has guided me, carried me, heard my prayers, He loves me. The hardest moments, he always sent someone to hold my tears fall in laps, listening ears.  Hands to hold on the very hardest days. He can and will give us strength even when the hard truths shattered all your pieces.