I still remember this date. August 18, 2018! I had just witnessed days prior, the nightmare of my own life. I couldn’t deny it, I tried, but it was burned into my heart and my head—no going back. I remember praying to give up. I had already tried 6 days before this. I had full intentions.
I prayed for days Lord stop pushing me. I am pretty sure I had a complete and utter nervous breakdown. It's the only way I can describe my life.
I grabbed a photo of us and our rings, and into the temple, I went because I would get a different answer; I was sure of it. I mean, how could the lord make me endure what I had seen days prior. I was going to pray to give up on you. I was going to ask the lord if it was okay to quit. I was tired of enduring, and I was tired of feeling so shattered.
I begged, and I pleaded. I wore our rings around my neck and placed a picture of us in my pocket, and I was there to ask the lord if it was okay to Quit on all of it.
As I sat in that celestial room for hours, I couldn’t force the answer; it's the reason I was there; I was sure of it. I wanted it; it wouldn’t come. The only answers that were there were my child don’t you give up on yourself, he knew what was in my heart and what I had done. Then the tears fell, and the guilt came. The next words, don’t give up on him! I always tried to find a corner so that I could be less noticed. I had my pocket full of tissues. I was utterly exhausted, and I came to bargain with the lord to quit. Endure was always the answer. ENDURE what? that was the question.
Maybe if I had known then what was in store for the next few years, I would have not listened to the spirit that day, and I would have made my own choice.
I learned that sometimes the Lord keeps pushing you because he isn’t ready to give up yet, so he won’t allow you to. I learned that no matter what, everyone has their free agency. At times I knew the lord had the power to fix it, but he will always give you your free agency. I knew I had loved ones that had crossed over close by. I knew they were helping me, holding me, and encouraging me. I was a mess, and he sent people to help me, to love me, and to hold me in all my mess. Because let’s face it, I was an utter walking disaster most day. I think I spent hours sitting in the celestial room. I remember praying when I walked out, for my world would be different. That my life could go back to the way, it was. How would I describe my life before I suspected before the truth started trickling out?
Happy, Healthy, Full of Joy laughter, and LOVE. That is a truth I can speak on. That is the only truth I can remember. That life went from Light to Darkness. Like the game of Jenga, you remove one piece, and you still have a stable foundation, but as you continue to remove another and another, pretty soon it’s tipsy, and then one day because you didn’t push when you felt it or speak up sooner the whole thing toppled down.
I wish I could say to all of you who continue to read that piece by piece, I have put it all back together. I have tried repeatedly, then something comes along, and yanks just the right piece out, and it comes toppling over again. What’s at the base, you ask? The Lord. He is at the bottoms pushing me to stand back out and pushing me through another day. Then it’s the faces of the 3 amazing spirits the Lord entrusted me with that make me fight a little harder to be better do better to survive, not for myself but for them! I wish I could say that when the Devil knocks that I never listen. But there are days. Early on, when I was Spiraling out of control, my therapist gave me an exercise that I could do to help remind me. I would either grab my arm and squeeze it very tightly or place a hand over my heart to remind me of reality. The last few weeks have been rough, and I have started to do it again. I looked down and kinda chuckled to myself because it had been a while since I noticed that I was doing it. I do it when words trigger me or when actions do. I use to do it to stop my heart from falling out of my chest because that’s what it felt like now; it reminds me of how far I have come, and it helps calm the storm. The one raging inside me, spinning me out of control, The Grounding Technique I learned in therapy. I remeber when I thought there is no way I can do this alone I cant, I am not strong enought i dont have that kind of power and I was sent this quote.
Its still something I whole heartldy belive in.
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