take back my life...

This blog has been dormant for a while, as I tried to really focus on family and healing. This time of year gets to me! It was the same time of year I ended up pregnant, standing at my friend door step confirming the affair I knew was happening. It was this time in 2017 that the relationship with the 21-year-old girl started.  And the 50-year-old neighbor relationship ended. It’s like I walked into a spider's web, I didn't see, and it stuck all over me. It's an icky, sticky feeling of wanting to erase something invisible from my skin, trying desperately to remove the fine strands. Still, no matter how much You try, you can’t find that last strand or remove it, so you brush at your skin over and over, trying to find it. Being haunted by the energy of all those affairs, you see, I know their names, Or should I say the seven I am actually aware of. 

I have blogged about my life the last few years, trying to focus on the healing, and in the wee hours of this morning, thanks to another nightmare, I just can’t seem to shake or escape. This is me speaking, and I can only speak for my experience. This is NOT a generalization of all people's experiences, maybe yours was different, but this is my thoughts this morning. 

Over the last few years, I have tried to be dignified. I got in many discussions in therapy about defending one's actions, and you know what show me where the compassion was shown to me by any of these people in the last few years? Notta, nowhere to be seen or heard, from the people who inserted themselves into my marriage without even thinking of me! I have battled every emotion; I have fought hard for many years, these emotions inside me, but this morning no more. I understand there are reasons behind others' actions. I understand we are all shaped by our experiences. We all have conditioning and beliefs that affect how we see the world and treat the people in it.

But....you know what?

I could not give a crap about these woman's stories. I do not give a crap about what happened in their lives that made them so uncaring about families and other people's relationships. I don't give a crap that maybe they had low self-esteem. All of you chose; you made a choice to consciously hurt someone else because you all knew about me.  It wasn’t a mistake or an accident at any moment you could have chosen to walk away; you didn’t! You let the relationship run its course with a married man, and you did what?  To me, you were all gaining strength from harming other people with your actions. So I will say it! The bottom feeders, the parasites, manipulate those around you as if you are normal people. I see you, I see all of you, and my skin crawls because I know the damage you cause. I have felt it in my soul.
Is this kind? probably not, Truthful, YES

Your stories of who hurt you in the past, how you didn’t feel loved, what you experienced will never be an excuse for what you did. I mean, maybe an apology? Wait, then you would actually have to admit you did something so disgusting to another person. All I see is the delusional fix you got from destroying another person. I see no remorse for the utter destruction or devastation you willing created, so yes, when I see you, and I walk away, sometimes run away. Know this it makes my skin crawl to be near any of you.  You thought it was real!! How funny, so did I so I guess for that I can show some sympathy for you? Wait Nah!!! So laughable now when I think of that comment, “I faked it all.” But it's real now, right? Maybe we are all clueless; that’s how he picks us. 

So clueless, we all have a story; who won in this situation? What’s your narrative. I mean, the stories you created in your head to justify it? I wanted to pretend that none of them knew that they were all innocent, clueless, and justified all of your behavior. In the end, I can’t because every single one of you knew! It was downright low and shitty behavior, if you don’t mind me speaking the truth! As for me? I was the poor sucker who got caught in the crossfire of the pitiful story. The dumb wife, minding my own business, building my life, and then that spider web, the one filled with all of the lies. I repeatedly brush at my skin to remove the cobwebs full of lies. 

Today I done keeping secrets. I am done hiding your truth! 

 When I had to read this assignment to my therapist, she stood up and started clapping. Her words, you just unpacked! I guess that day no getting in trouble for defending someone who doesn’t deserve my respect or decency. It’s not just our abusers who traumatize us; it’s those that work with them, defend them, enable them, ignore our cries for help and try and force us to forgive them. My prayer is this, I hope I can help people in my healing process, I hope that I can find the purpose and understanding behind this pain, and I hope that God helps me forget.