Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

 I have written all about my past, and I have processed that past and written all about the BEAUTIFUL LIES! 

They were lies…

When you think you know someone inside and out, for better or worse, in sickness and health, time and all eternity.

But then someone decides that all those words were fake, all the promises were also fake, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is what you had all 25 years. Not someone’s true self as they had you believe, but the mirror version of yourself, and it took you watching the mirror of another and a crap ton of therapy to see it. 

All human cells reproduce; 10% of the heart is replaced each year, red blood cells every four months, skin cells every two weeks, 

Neurons, the cells that make up the brain and spinal cord, don’t reproduce. 

We may not be able to get back what we lost. In its place, we grow something new.

It happens slowly but surely till we have what we need.

I was, in fact, a FOOL in my own love story

When faced with danger, fear takes over, and we react desperately to feel safe. When someone suffers from trauma, it’s the everyday things, the song on the radio, the smell of your favorite cologne, seemingly random simple things convincing your mind and body that you are in danger and there is no way out. My most significant was a patrol car, oh the trauma it caused on many occasions. I had thought that Healed just the other day; it took my breath away for years later. Crazy. 

What he took from me mattered...

I found a way to hear that. 

I found a way to believe that. 

I found a way to move forward because I was stuck for so long. 

Tossed away like garbage...

I wasn’t in my right mind; I wasn’t in my mind at all.

That night I lost my mind. I pretended I wasn’t a zombie or dead inside. I couldn’t feel it for months, but my mind hasn’t returned, and I am not sure that a part of it ever will...

The words this was not your fault... nothing you did deserve this!

Nothing!!!

I could be told that repeatedly and I couldn’t believe it.

All I was, was a broken person in my own eyes. Maybe if I had said or done one thing differently then? 

It’s not my fault. Those words were said repeatedly; I couldn’t get them to stick.

 

The chronic and systematic dishonesty that nearly always occurs with sexual betrayal is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. And yes, I recognize that abuse is a powerful and mighty word. To rob a person of a sense of reality, chip away at the ability to trust what the five senses and instincts are telling you, and systematically undermine the ability to trust your memory and perception. Judgment is a form of mental cruelty. It is important to look this squarely in the face and name it: emotional and psychological abuse.

Survivors everywhere... your feelings deserve respect and understanding. 

I didn’t deserve this!!! 

Too often, trauma is just in our head; the pain is real; it’s in our muscle cells, not in our heads.no magic fix, no Pill to make it go away, but we can ask for help. We can tell our truth whenever we are ready...