Screw you size 2!!!

I hate the fact that my whole life I have always felt like the big girl. Why, honestly I am not really sure! Maybe it's because by telling myself this I have convinced my mind that my body is fat. At my heaviest I was 230 lbs, I can look back at the picture and think how in the hell did I ever let myself get to that point... But it's not like one day I was skinny the next day I was fat... Nope it gradually came on after returning to school with 3 small children and working graveyards and eating late at night to stay awake to study... But truth is I can't remember a time when I did not feel like a big girl... Because let's face it I do not have a petite bone structure, and I am not nore will I ever be a size 2!!! My weight has fluctuated since getting married then pregnant then losing it and getting pregnant twice more... The struggle for me is realizing that I not, can't, and will never be a size 2 unless I develop an eating disorder... 

I remember a few years ago walking into a fabric store to buy fabric and the sales clerk asking if I was going to sew. When I replied I was making bead spreads for my girls she said wow I would have never guessed you look like and athlete not a sewer... Yep so you can judge a book by its cover your just not aware of all its chapters:) 

In high school I always felt fat compared to my friends who mostly wore size 5's those skinny minis... I was and am still envious of the size 2 that can eat what, whenever they want, they want never work out and stay skinny... To you I say never comment about being fat because you honestly have no idea what it truly is to truly be fat, so please remember when you saying on my gosh I have gained 5 lbs that us less fortunate girls with the big genes would love to be In your shoes... 

So where did my journey begin? I think It has always been a battle my whole life just once I would love to not care and be comfortable in my own skin but I am not I am always finding the flaws with my fluffy areas... Because my big fat mouth has convinced my Brain that I am fluffy...

I long for the time when Marilyn Monroe was considered a sex symbols as a size 8-10. Maybe then I would not feel so bad about my size 12-14. 

So 2002-2003 I was at my heaviest I weighed in at a whopping 230 lbs I know this because this was the year I booked the first vacation ever for myself and husband and I was determined to not be the fat chick... So January I signed up for a weight loss competition at work and called the biggest meltdown. And I began my quest to lose weight waking up at 5:00 am daily to workout for an hour and again at night doing kick boxing, pump class, running, swimming, bike riding and counted my calories and portioned everything I ate... It became an obsession my goal was to lose 40 lbs by April... Because plain and simple I was tired of being fat... 

So it began first week my belly was growling all the time because it was use to eating way more the my allotted 1200-1500 calories a day. But I pushed through and every morning when my alarm went off I just though of myself in a swim suit and it motivated me to get out of bed... So the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and guess what the morning I left for my cruise I weighed in and all the hard work had payed off I was down a total of 36 lbs not quite my goal but pretty darn close. So daily I would wake up early and run on the ships track because I was still in the weight loss competition and I was consuming way more calories on vacation but I was still going to enjoy vacation... I was up a few lbs after the trip but got right back on course for the final weeks of the competition. The last two weeks I pushed my self running 5 miles a day and working out every morning swimming because I had a friend talk me into doing a triathlon because I was doing all the training anyway... So swimming a mile every morning and cutting back calories even more and guess what I lost a total of 56 lbs by the end of the competition I went from 230 lbs to 174 lbs my goal was 165 but I have never been able to hit that despite working hard... I had not seen that number since I graduated high school and got married... 

But let's face it who can keep up with that life style working out morning and night for 2 hours. As my kids grew older and became active in school activities I cut back to working out after doing the triathlon in June. I will say the easy part is getting it off the hard part is maintaining... Guess what even after all the work I was still a size 12 I quickly gained back 15 lbs due to not restricting myself on as many calories because I had won the competition and the last week stooped to stupid desperate measures to secure the win... But even with the 15 lbs my cloths still fit so I was no overly stressed over it continued to work out and portion food. 

I have since yo-yoed back and forth and have slacked off but I became a certified personal trainer and I have come to find out that I can relate to my clients because I have been in their shoes and they will open up to me because guess what there biggest fear is that I would be a size 2 trainer never having dealt with being the big girl... 

So yep screw you size two, I now know I will never fit into you no matter what I do...