I have been a little MIA because for the last 2 weeks I have been focusing on my opportunity to speak in sacrament. It has consumed me and I have read and read the words a hundred times and knew this is exactly what the lord wanted me to talk about. This was the easiest talk I have ever written but hardest talk I have ever done.
I personally am a sunshine girl, I love all things summer I only ENDURE the rest of the season because I know eventually all the seasons will lead me back to summer. All seasons have storms like the seasons all of us are reminded that real life can be stormy, we all know that none of us are exempt from these storms of life. Not from sickness, heartache, divorce or death.
We were never promised a life with ease, life is messy, it’s complicated and it’s emotionally challenging, at times it is utterly heartbreaking.
2018 left me questioning absolutely everything including my faith. I knew my faith was not formed in this current storm of life, it was formed day by day as I dealt with my life’s other storms.
Storms I had weathered, storms that I actually thought I was safe from ever having to weather again. The sun always came out and that storm always lead me to summer.
How quickly that calm of life can turn into a familiar storm...
Was I prepared?
NOPE not even close. Skies were blue the sun was shining and I thought life was great.
The storms can come as a knock on the door, a phone call, or a text message. In an instant the blue skies, that shining sun the peace and security vanished your world is turned upside down.
How do you stay calm?
How do you hold on to your faith?
How do you not give way to your fears?
Where had I actually built my foundation?
If God gives us strength, than why do I feel so weak?
ENDURE A WORD I had come familiar with a word that was being told to me by the lord and his council it was being used over and over.
Endure what?
That the question I wanted answers to. I wanted to know exactly what I was to endure because there were many moments this storm seemed to be throwing everything at me all at once.
lt came like a tornado that funnel cloud growing bigger and bigger collecting information and more and more pain, with me standing in the middle waiting for it to pick me up and spit me out.
Where would I land?
What would my life become?
How was it going to change me?
Was it going to pick me up and spit me out unharmed?
I knelt in that funnel cloud praying that this storm would do little damage that as it passed I could walk out the same girl that went in, not that at this point I even knew who that is anymore. I begged pleaded and then maybe bargained with the lord to let the storm pass and to allow me the things I wanted.
” (Ether 12:27). “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I felt my weakness and knew without a doubt where my strength was coming from. I knew my strength was in unity, the many people the lord was blessing me with, all the people helping because I could not do it alone and I actually didn’t want to.
In spite of our weakness, He loves us in an incomprehensible manner and offers us great hope. Hope turned into me making demands, I started telling the lord what I needed and what I felt was best for me and my family. I asked him to give me what I wanted because I had been enduring I had been doing it for months enduring it all.
This left me wondering who would chase the storm. Who would rather have pain over victory?
Did he just want me to live in this permeant heartbreak forever? I wanted a happy story, the inspirational story. I wanted him to give it to me because I was too weak to do the work anymore. My patience, my faith and time had begun to wear on me.
So what’s the secret?
Where can we get the strength to endure?
How did the lord Show me?
I hesitate to say it, embarrassed to admit that I might have been humbled but I didn’t understand. I was still making demands, because how could he give me this much pain how was heartbreak part of his plan? I started questioning more and more. Stubborn me started making my own plans I wanted things my way, I was doing everything the lord was asking me. I was struggling and I was about to show the lord my great enduring skill.
The day had finally come when I had endured enough of all of it. It had been my worst fears coming true, puppies dying, kids struggling, broken sprinklers, multiple fender benders, broken lawn mower, work demands, bills, sickness, YES all small insignificant by themselves but together they were my perfect storm and I snapped, I lost it and I screamed and yell and cursed the lord. In this moment the words left my mouth before I had realized they were even a thought.
I said it well I actually yelled it...
Really lord is this all you’ve got?
What’s next?
bring it on try me, I dare you!
I did in fact just challenge the lord.
I am not sure if I am really that stubborn or just that stupid? Either way I would regret those words.
Want to actually find out what he has got?
I dare you ask him I promise he will show you that he is God and you are not.
He was about to show me how impressed he was with my enduring skills. He did it through suffering. Suffering that shattered me to my very core and humbled me beyond anything in life has done before.
I now understood, Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane awaiting His fate, bleeding from every pour for me! (Luke 22:42-44). Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will but thine, be done. There appeared an angel into him from heaven strengthening him. Being in agony he prayed more earnestly and his sweat was as it were drops of blood falling to the ground. He knew what he was about to endure was going to be excruciatingly difficult.
He didn’t even hesitate to ask God if He could be spared from the suffering. I knew exactly how the savior felt. I had asked for this very thing many times. He prayed for strength and embraced the will of His heavenly Father who gave Him the power to endure.
It’s was by kneeling firm in this funnel cloud that I learn to stand. It’s was by faith and enduring patiently.
Faith to endure, faith to be patient, faith to know his plan is much greater than my own. Faith that he hears.
I told the bishop If the lord was throwing pebbles I wasn’t getting it, you know stubborn me, I was going to need him to drop a boulder on my head and he did just that...
So I changed the way I was praying, I stopped begging, I stopped pleading and I stop asking for what I had back no more demands. I pray to know he has a plan for me greater than my own. I pray for strength to endure this storm. The strength to go on when I feel like I cant catch my breath. The strength to trust when I am filled with doubt and fear. The strength to stand when everything in me is crying out to quit.
I learned that one of Satan strongest tool is to isolate us from everything to turn our thoughts away from others to prevent us from reaching out finding strength in unity.
Satan has been knocking on my door and in my weakest moments I am actually having conversations with him.
The only options to quit or to endure there was no other way. Quitting was going to be easy I thought, it’s going to take all the pain away and I intended to do just that take the pain away. I should have just listen to the council of the bishop when I asked if he were sure quitting wasn’t an option. His simple reply I am sure. My friend the bishop saved me from myself. The Lord gives counsel through His chosen servants. (D&C 1:38) “Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same”.
The Savior knows each of us... He blesses us with the most amazing people to minister to us in our storms of life. He knows all things past, present, and future. He knows the things that we stand in need of even before we ask. He showed me this over and over blessed me with people helping endure this storm with me. Thank you, heavenly Father, for the gift of your Holy Spirit and to all my ministering angels he sent to comfort me during this difficult time in my life. He doesn’t expect us to do it alone he gives us others. I am still learning and I am still enduring this storm but like the bishop has told me many times the sun always comes out and better days are to come. I am a slow learner kind of stubborn and I need boulders. I continue to pray for the strength to endure and for hope to fill my heart. May we all walk through all our storms of life trusting the lord and believing that he has something good in store for us that his plan is much greater than any plan we have for ourselves because he sees our divine potential.
Maybe just maybe not all your storms of life have come to disrupt your life maybe some of them come to clear your path. Don’t be let fear prevent you from starting over when that funnel cloud finally decides to spit you out. I am still standing in my funnel cloud waiting for it to do just that spit me out. I won’t be walking out the same as I went in, or with all the things I was demanding the lord give me, I will be holding all the pieces of me and finding a way to move forward even when I feel shattered. This is part of my healing journey talking about strength and enduring. It’s not pretty and it’s not graceful and it’s not the happy story. I know quitting isn’t an option I will keep going and preparing for the next storm of life. I know that god is ready to put me back together and helping me find all my unshattered pieces and to love them. As I wrote this I was staring out my window and the sun was shining and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.
I love this quote from President Monson there are times when we will experience heartbreak and sorrow, when we will grieve and be tested to our limits. However such difficulties allow us to change for the better to rebuild our lives in the way Heavenly Father teaches us. To become something different then we were better than we were, more understand then we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.
I testify that the lord never leaves us he stood with me today along with my army from the other side who have carried me, they along with the many people that love me enough here to do the same. I know he hears and answers prayers even if they are not the way we want them he knows my path. I am forever greatful for my bishop my family and friends for my love of the gospel and for the strength it has given me to endure and for the hope and promise of PEACE.
My beautiful daughter sang this song.
