Am I Enough

 I have battled that old feeling of am I  enough? 

I mean who wouldn’t when Elsie the Cow was a nick name used for you in elementary school. 

The impressionable years when you can look around and see that girls are smarter, prettier, skinnier than you. The years you start to notice, and I was Elsie the cow. 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

I’m rubber your glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you...

Did we sing these little jingles to make us feel better when in fact names hurt for a lot longer than the sticks or the stones.  Nothing bounces off me and stuck to anyone else. 

Yes I know because I took a stone to my face that landed me in the ER getting my eye stitched up. Yes it hurt, but Elsie the Cow hurt much more it stuck.

I knew that I was the bigger when hanging out with all my size 5 friends. I wasn’t blind. I often compared myself to my smarter, skinnier and prettier friends.  Then something happened, I got out of that akward ugly stage that most go through.  I was okay with being the bigger girl, once I finally grew out of that baby fat and the Elsie the cow nick name. 

I loved my strong athletic body.

Then it happened, I met a prince that made me feel like I was his princess.  He told me how amazing, beautiful and special I was. He picked me and told me he loved me. That prince I would marry in a castle on a hill 3 years later for Eternity.

The changes ones body goes through when you create a life nobody prepares you for. It changes everything you knew of the other body you once had. The blessing of creating a life softens that blow because you have this perfect baby that’s part  of you.

I wish that I would have always felt that secure about my body. The day I discovered a box would change all of that. 

I was no way as pretty as the models in that big box of magazines I found hidden away.  I didn’t have a body like that. I had a baby and my body was full of flaws, stretch marks and saggy skin from creating a life. 

There I was staring at a box and I was 

ELSIE THE COW AGAIN. 

I would battle this feeling over that box that went to the dump for quite awhile. I would then battle the feeling again because of choices of my friend and husband. 

The work I would do the time spent on am I Enough? 

The years of work because I wanted to feel Enough! Not just physically but mentally and spiritually.

 I started putting in the work to love me no matter what. 

 To change 

AM I 

TO 

I AM

Because this is how my Heavenly Father has always seen me even when myself or others didn’t see it he always has. 

I knew after baby 3 I wasn’t happy with the extra weight. I had booked a surprise cruise for our anniversary and this was my motivation. I entered a weight loss competition at work, started going to the temple every month, and reading my scriptures daily. The push from a friend because I was swimming, biking and running already I registered for a triathlon. I had set myself so pretty big goals.

 We went on that vacation.

I went on the win that weight loss competition and some $$$.

I finished my first triathalon. 

The following year we took the kids to Florida on a Disney vacation.

Then we book another cruise with our friends for May 2011.

We were living our best lives! 

Then it happened...

All the work I had done for years in a blink of an eye were GONE VANISHED!

AM I ENOUGH?  

D-day #3 

This time the AM I would spiral me out of control.