Beautiful LIE

I lived this Beautiful lie...

Emotions swirling on this day April 18th.

My past haunting me. 

My reflection changed I don’t recognize that person who stares back at me.

My future altered.

My life as I knew it gone.

I have come so far.

Worked so hard but yet have so much more work to do.

Healing is a process. 

It isn’t easy and it isn’t fun. 

The lord is right there with me. He isn’t forcing me to deal with all my wounds all at once, he isn’t saying your fine, be fine, move on, he is letting it happen one small shattered piece at a time.

I have found the lord to be faithful and true. He has never left me.

He hasn’t ran when it got tough or when I screamed and cursed his name. 

 His love unconditional and eternal. 

I loved my life. 

I was content. I wanted for nothing more than that beautiful lie I was living. 

I thought we were happy.

I loved my husband. 

I loved him more than I loved myself. 

You can't force someone to love you.

That’s if he really ever did. 

 He choose to walk away.

Love stays. 

Love doesn’t lie.

It doesn’t cheat.

It doesn’t steal.

Love doesn’t walk away, only people do. 

I share this today because today would have been our 22 anniversary and if I am honest I struggle with the pain of abandonment. 

I struggle with all the truths of the secret life I knew little to nothing about. 

 Last night the nightmare kept me awake I awoke in a panic his voice calling my name.  

 That voice lingered until it seemed so real that it startled me and the unwanted tears surfaced. 

There in the darkness only lit by the alarm I buried my face in my pillow and sobbed.  

 I wandered if he thought of me. 

I wandered if he ever regretted what he had done.

What he had done to shattered this heart. 

The torment of my soul?

The loneliness of his actions.

 I wept and prayed hard knowing that there are other women feeling this anguish just as much or even more than I am. 

My brain fights with my heart more than I care for it too. I'm honestly not sure which won early this morning.

I knew the tears had to come out.

They seem to do that a lot, find a way out at the most unexpecting times. I try and hold them back until my head and my jaw hurt. 

The lord is faithful and true. He has never left me.

He hasn’t ran when it got tough or when I screamed and cursed his name. 

He has stayed right by my side.  

I whispered in the darkness. Lord please stop with the dreams, make them go away. Love, please take that away too. The man I loved died, he doesn’t exist he is never coming back, please take it all away. A prayer I have prayed many times before. I prayed to keep moving forward, for continued healing and hope. To help all the other hearts that feel this same way. 

 As I climbed in the shower the tears flowing down my face for the loss of what would have been a day that was celebrated, now is just a day. A day that I don’t want to face. Realizing this heart of mine is still shattered, like a bottle of glitter spilled everywhere, always pieces left behind for what seems forever. I have had to admit that no matter how much work I do alone, I can't heal my broken heart on my own. 

I have tried to fool myself into thinking I was better but councling this week was rough. No fake smile on my face, no amount of fake it till you make it, no holding it together or being strong, can make this pain disappear. I can’t do it alone.

It has become less then a year ago when I was a nothing in my marriage. The memories show up like stabbing pain. Pain that actually sucks the air from you, pain that squeezes your heart and you wonder if it will finally stop beating. I have prayed to be free from this, the pain that keeps me longing for that love story that beautiful lie, I created in my head. The love story that’s dead. Killed by the one person I gave my everything too. No attention, no approvals, no new hair cut or color. NO not even time can change this. I have a whole other post on that dreaded time word. 

The funny thing is people say that time can heal all wounds...I not sure that’s true. Some wounds can never be healed.  I have felt impatient with myself, wishing this process along, judging how I handle even the smallest things. I find I don’t trust myself. 

That still small voice that said when asked in the quite moments between tears this morning,  you can do it a bit longer! 

WHAT? 

NO!

STOP!

You want me to be shattered? You want me to be shattered a bit longer?

 I know there will be beauty out of my shattered piece. I can’t see it or feel it at this moment. 

There is a purpose. 

It makes no sense. 

I don’t even want to do it. 

I fight it daily, nobody understands it. 

It’s overwhelming. 

It’s debilitating.

Its agonizing. 

I am sure people think I just want to stay in this pain forever. 

That I don’t and choose not to heal. 

I put in the work everyday even when it scares the hell out of me. 

If it were not for all my shattered pieces,

 I would not be reaching out to others in this same trial of life. 

 He sometimes asks us to trust his timing. I have faith sometimes it falters but it’s there, that I won’t be shattered forever. He continues to push me beyond what I want to do. I know he won’t leave me. He will stay right by my side and that gives me a small sense of relief. I AM NOT ALONE.  He is there,  he asks for me to stay shattered for a bit longer. I know it will be his way, in his time no matter how hard that is for me to deal with and accept.

The stubborn in me wants to throw a fit, she wants to give up, she wants to stop doing the work because it feels so painful it feels unfair. It feels cruel, it is utterly heart shattering at times, especially today.

I miss that person who promised me everything and then abandoned me when I needed someone the most. He left me in shattered pieces. That bottle of glitter tossed aside and spread all over the floor. 

I know this won’t be the last day of tears, that as I move forward in this journey that nobody really quite understands.

There is this saying that has been repeated to me over and over, more times then I can actually keep track of, the one my bishop repeats to me every time I talk to him. BETTER DAYS ARE TO COME! 

Living in Limbo

Funny thing about this post I have written it 3 times. I accidentally deleted it twice because the clear button and the done button are so close together.

This morning after I erased it at 1am, I rolled over turned my light off and I gave up.

The nightmears that continue night after night are so difficult and I awoke this morning and have felt off all day. As I knelt to say my morning prayer I prayed that if I was to write this then let the words flow. They have flown all day over and over in my head the words come easy.

In my heart the pain also comes easy. 

Limbo that’s what I lived for weeks after discovery.  I was willing to do the work whatever it took to save my eternal family. The lord had asked me and I was going to listen. I started to feel as if maybe I was actually the only one who did. His words didn’t  match his actions he could say all the right things. They were void of truth and love and actions spoke louder than his words. 

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I decided to make him make a decision. Hoping that if he had to choose he would choose us. 

I packed up the kids a looked for some place fun and up beat to go.

This secret I was keeping from most,  I had told 2 of my closest friends and my mom. I loaded our bags and planned to go to a cousins house to find that they were out of town for the weekend. I did not want to be found I wanted him to be stuck with the note I had left on the bed. 

I actually found the exact note, not even sure why he kept it but it was in a envelope of things that came out of his work truck. I snapped a photo.

I typed this up July 22, 2011.

My oldest was old enough to understand but the younger 2 had no clue. 

I had been praying with all my might that Satan would back off... leave my family alone. 

I cleaned the house (OCD) made sure everything was in its place and I left the note on the bed and I walked out that door.

That was the hardest thing I had done, I felt dread an awful feeling that settled in my heart. That note I left could possible change my life forever, I was still holding on to that tiny sliver of hope that the feeling I had was just me being CRAZY, because let's face it I had been walking around in my own crazy mind for weeks, creating and thinking and over thinking what was happening. 

I knew I had no other choice the day my sweet daughters spoke these words. Mom, Dad is mean to you. I realized I could and would not allow her to think that was ever okay in any kind of relationship.

We went shopping a little and found a location. I parked my car around the back so it would not be visible from the road and tried to act normal, watching the hours, minutes, seconds tick by knowing the note had been read.

What I expected was a phone call. Instead there he was asking me to go for a ride. That glimmer of hope was still there for me. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want the same. 

 I said a silent prayer that I would be guided to the words I needed to say. 

That hope would soon be shattered and quickly. 

How can someone that hours before said they loved you and that you love be so cold and closed off? 

The words that were spoken were mean, cold and full of hate, could he not see how much he was hurting me, did he not even care? WHY? Why? Why? Is all I could ask, how is it so easy to just walk away with no feeling of loss at all? I am sure at the time he gave me an answer but all I could see and feel was my life as I knew it before was gone, done, just like that. 

As I told him in that note that I had left, and now regretted. 

Could I just take it back and live in limbo again? At least it would not just be over, finished, done, without even an explanation beside because. 

By the time we had arrived back only one was still awake. She took a ride with us and we talked.

 I can remember the words plain as day. I am not sure why but they seem to penetrate my soul! I told her how much I loved her dad and that I would do anything to make it work, he turned to her and said the words that would not only shatter my heart but also hers.

 His words "and I DONT!" 

That was it she shut down, as I watched tears roll down my little girls face I not only sobbed for me but I sobbed for my child.

 He dropped us off and I can remember the sobbs that filled the room, I was hurting but knew I had to try and be strong by my child. When the sobbing became uncontrollable I knew it was late but I called a friend and asked her if her husband would please give her a blessing. I was desperate to stop the hurt that was inside of her. 

At this point I can feel the anger seeping into me the anger keeping the pain away. I was angry that he was just able to walk away with this mess he just left with me. 

I picked up my phone not exactly sure of the message I sent, but I wanted him to know what hurt he had just caused, the damage he had done and don’t have to watch. I at this point don’t think it would even phase him.

She finally feel asleep but I could not seem to shut my mind off... 

This was the day I actually allowed Satan in.

This was the day we became friends. 

This was the day that I would act and do things I would not be proud of later.

I was going to grab Satan’s hand and let him lead the way, WHY? Because this was the day I turned all my anger towards the lord. 

The day I let Satan put that question mark where God had put the period.

The day I was going to allow Satan in and help me take the pain away.

The day I would give him power over me. 

My living in limbo ended and the decision hurt way worse than limbo. 

HANGING ON

I wasn’t aware at the time but I was barely hanging on. I did the only thing I knew would take me out of my own head, and out of a world where Satan was working very hard on me. 

Attending the temple with a dear friend, I was searching for answers on what the Lord expected me to do. 

 I was no way in any state of mind to make a decision on my own.

My head and my heart were saying two different things. I was hurt, angry, confused, frustrated and I was going to the only place I could not feel any influences from the outside world.

As I sat there and I felt peace, peace that the decision I was making was the right one.

I knew without a single doubt that I was to do everything in my power to keep my eternal family in tact. 

Sitting inside I just let it all go, I gave it all to the lord, all the hurt and pain and focused on what I was suppose to do next, wanting to never leave that peace.

 I knew exactly what was waiting for me in the outside world.

 I would walk out, that beautiful peace of the day not realizing I was about to let Satan put a QUSTION MARK where God had just put the PERIOD!

The hard part was walking out and returning to a destructive environment. I felt like a nothing, a nothing in my own marriage since D-day.

 I was struggling with my own self esteem, I wanted to feel loved and was being clingy and paranoid. 

I was waiting on a decision. He kept telling me he didn’t know what he wanted?

 I am sure it would have been an easier decision if he would have severed all ties with this individual and her with him but the sneaking was still occurring the hiding just got better, with the world of technology you can purchase apps and text from numbers that won't show on your phone records. 

The amount of work, lies,deceit that we’re being wasted when the truth would have been so much easier.  Truth that I would never get. 

I just wanted him to pick us, the life we had built together. 

Limbo that’s what I lived from that day I walked out of the temple, God telling me to do everything in my power but Satan working just as hard to take it all away.

 I wasn’t sure why the Lord had asked me to stay in that torment, but I knew he had.

He was asking me to be still when everything around me and Inside me was spinning a million miles and hour. 

I knew the lord was there.  I wasn’t aware of just how much influence Satan had on me. 

As the days went by I deteriorated inside and out.

The lord had asked me to fight and I was fighting with everything I had until I had nothing left.

 Satan was also right there to hold my hand, was I was no longer strong enough to resist?

We will all be tempted, we will all be tested in this life, what decision will we make?

Will we let Satan put a question mark, where God has already put the Period?