This morning after I erased it at 1am, I rolled over turned my light off and I gave up.
The nightmears that continue night after night are so difficult and I awoke this morning and have felt off all day. As I knelt to say my morning prayer I prayed that if I was to write this then let the words flow. They have flown all day over and over in my head the words come easy.
In my heart the pain also comes easy.
Limbo that’s what I lived for weeks after discovery. I was willing to do the work whatever it took to save my eternal family. The lord had asked me and I was going to listen. I started to feel as if maybe I was actually the only one who did. His words didn’t match his actions he could say all the right things. They were void of truth and love and actions spoke louder than his words.
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I decided to make him make a decision. Hoping that if he had to choose he would choose us.
I packed up the kids a looked for some place fun and up beat to go.
This secret I was keeping from most, I had told 2 of my closest friends and my mom. I loaded our bags and planned to go to a cousins house to find that they were out of town for the weekend. I did not want to be found I wanted him to be stuck with the note I had left on the bed.
I actually found the exact note, not even sure why he kept it but it was in a envelope of things that came out of his work truck. I snapped a photo.
I typed this up July 22, 2011.
My oldest was old enough to understand but the younger 2 had no clue.
I had been praying with all my might that Satan would back off... leave my family alone.
I cleaned the house (OCD) made sure everything was in its place and I left the note on the bed and I walked out that door.
That was the hardest thing I had done, I felt dread an awful feeling that settled in my heart. That note I left could possible change my life forever, I was still holding on to that tiny sliver of hope that the feeling I had was just me being CRAZY, because let's face it I had been walking around in my own crazy mind for weeks, creating and thinking and over thinking what was happening.
I knew I had no other choice the day my sweet daughters spoke these words. Mom, Dad is mean to you. I realized I could and would not allow her to think that was ever okay in any kind of relationship.
We went shopping a little and found a location. I parked my car around the back so it would not be visible from the road and tried to act normal, watching the hours, minutes, seconds tick by knowing the note had been read.
What I expected was a phone call. Instead there he was asking me to go for a ride. That glimmer of hope was still there for me. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want the same.
I said a silent prayer that I would be guided to the words I needed to say.
That hope would soon be shattered and quickly.
How can someone that hours before said they loved you and that you love be so cold and closed off?
The words that were spoken were mean, cold and full of hate, could he not see how much he was hurting me, did he not even care? WHY? Why? Why? Is all I could ask, how is it so easy to just walk away with no feeling of loss at all? I am sure at the time he gave me an answer but all I could see and feel was my life as I knew it before was gone, done, just like that.
As I told him in that note that I had left, and now regretted.
Could I just take it back and live in limbo again? At least it would not just be over, finished, done, without even an explanation beside because.
By the time we had arrived back only one was still awake. She took a ride with us and we talked.
I can remember the words plain as day. I am not sure why but they seem to penetrate my soul! I told her how much I loved her dad and that I would do anything to make it work, he turned to her and said the words that would not only shatter my heart but also hers.
His words "and I DONT!"
That was it she shut down, as I watched tears roll down my little girls face I not only sobbed for me but I sobbed for my child.
He dropped us off and I can remember the sobbs that filled the room, I was hurting but knew I had to try and be strong by my child. When the sobbing became uncontrollable I knew it was late but I called a friend and asked her if her husband would please give her a blessing. I was desperate to stop the hurt that was inside of her.
At this point I can feel the anger seeping into me the anger keeping the pain away. I was angry that he was just able to walk away with this mess he just left with me.
I picked up my phone not exactly sure of the message I sent, but I wanted him to know what hurt he had just caused, the damage he had done and don’t have to watch. I at this point don’t think it would even phase him.
She finally feel asleep but I could not seem to shut my mind off...
This was the day I actually allowed Satan in.
This was the day we became friends.
This was the day that I would act and do things I would not be proud of later.
I was going to grab Satan’s hand and let him lead the way, WHY? Because this was the day I turned all my anger towards the lord.
The day I let Satan put that question mark where God had put the period.
The day I was going to allow Satan in and help me take the pain away.
The day I would give him power over me.
My living in limbo ended and the decision hurt way worse than limbo.
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