HANGING ON

I wasn’t aware at the time but I was barely hanging on. I did the only thing I knew would take me out of my own head, and out of a world where Satan was working very hard on me. 

Attending the temple with a dear friend, I was searching for answers on what the Lord expected me to do. 

 I was no way in any state of mind to make a decision on my own.

My head and my heart were saying two different things. I was hurt, angry, confused, frustrated and I was going to the only place I could not feel any influences from the outside world.

As I sat there and I felt peace, peace that the decision I was making was the right one.

I knew without a single doubt that I was to do everything in my power to keep my eternal family in tact. 

Sitting inside I just let it all go, I gave it all to the lord, all the hurt and pain and focused on what I was suppose to do next, wanting to never leave that peace.

 I knew exactly what was waiting for me in the outside world.

 I would walk out, that beautiful peace of the day not realizing I was about to let Satan put a QUSTION MARK where God had just put the PERIOD!

The hard part was walking out and returning to a destructive environment. I felt like a nothing, a nothing in my own marriage since D-day.

 I was struggling with my own self esteem, I wanted to feel loved and was being clingy and paranoid. 

I was waiting on a decision. He kept telling me he didn’t know what he wanted?

 I am sure it would have been an easier decision if he would have severed all ties with this individual and her with him but the sneaking was still occurring the hiding just got better, with the world of technology you can purchase apps and text from numbers that won't show on your phone records. 

The amount of work, lies,deceit that we’re being wasted when the truth would have been so much easier.  Truth that I would never get. 

I just wanted him to pick us, the life we had built together. 

Limbo that’s what I lived from that day I walked out of the temple, God telling me to do everything in my power but Satan working just as hard to take it all away.

 I wasn’t sure why the Lord had asked me to stay in that torment, but I knew he had.

He was asking me to be still when everything around me and Inside me was spinning a million miles and hour. 

I knew the lord was there.  I wasn’t aware of just how much influence Satan had on me. 

As the days went by I deteriorated inside and out.

The lord had asked me to fight and I was fighting with everything I had until I had nothing left.

 Satan was also right there to hold my hand, was I was no longer strong enough to resist?

We will all be tempted, we will all be tested in this life, what decision will we make?

Will we let Satan put a question mark, where God has already put the Period?