I had been on my knees begging with the lord
for the truth.
I had enough, I couldn’t take it anymore, the lying, the secrets and treating me like I was nothing.
So I climbed onto his lap facing him, I looked into his eye. He looked back at me and placed his hand on my leg.
I asked to see his phone, you know the locked password one.
I asked him if he would open it and let me see.
He Immediately said NO, and withdrew his hand from off my leg and his whole demeanor changed.
His words...
“I am not giving you my phone.”
I placed my trembling hands on both sides of his face, I looked him in the eyes trying to find the courage to ask the question my heart already knew the answer, the truth that I begged the lord to give me.
Are you having an Affair?
He replied “NO!”
I said then who is A from Carbon County in your phone?
Yes because I had online access and I could see his contact list.
He couldn’t even put her under her real name he was hiding her.
He said just some girl that works for them!
I said really just some girl? Then I said it, I said her name out loud to him and to myself and I knew from that look in his eyes it was all I needed for my heart to feel the pain.
Looking into thoes eyes, I said open your phone. Let me see.
The reply “I am not letting you see shit on my phone.”
I again asked are you having an affair with her?
His eyes darted and he said no, the lie my heart felt first before my mind could realize what he had just done, he looked me in the eye in my most venerable moment and he LIED!
His words would slice open that wound that I though had healed from years before. It was now fresh as if it had just happened. All the work I had done for years just vanished and I was crushed by thoes words that lie. All of it came flooding back in, the pain the trauma of having to pick through my wedding album to throw away photos because she was in my line, my maid of honor. I was now flooded with all the old memories and now these new ones, and the broken promises. The mistake that wasn’t a mistake it was a choice.
Then he said the the words that would twist that knife deeper in my soul.
The only thing that are priorities to me are my job and the kids.
Just like that I felt like garbage, used thrown out. TRASH!
Any self esteem I had left, gone. That wound that had healed the scar left on my heart, sliced open bleeding fresh.
Words were being said and the room was spinning and I felt as if I couldn’t breath, the truth that wasn’t said but that I felt with my whole heart.
I could see his mouth moving and I could hear the words but it was like slow motion bits and pieces I couldn’t quite fit altogether. I knew words were spewing from my lips.
Thoes eyes looking at me dead and cold like I actually meant nothing, and I ran to the bathroom sobbing and emptied the contents of my stomach.
The truth had made me sick.
I wanted that truth so bad that I hadn’t even thought to pray that I would actually be prepared for the truth that I do desperetly wanted.
He could’nt say it with his own mouth he couldn’t respect me enough to give me the truth. He didn’t admit it, he actually didn’t have to because I felt it... every piece of me felt it!
I walked out of that bathroom and watched him frantically deleting everything from his phone.
I turned and walked to the bedroom while the reality sank in. There I stood just stared out the window in the dark, the room still spinning and tears flowing down my cheeks.
There sat my husband in the living room deleting his cheating and lying the proof of the truth. Like It mattered because his eyes and my heart already confirmed it.
The next thing I remember is lying on the bedroom floor him kneeling over me asking if I were okay.
The pain was too much the room spinning too fast and I had passed out.
I could see his lips moving but I couldn’t understand a word he said my mind could’nt keep up?
I was not okay and I was not prepared for that truth that would trickle out day after day week after week.
I remember lying in bed that night asking the lord to take back the truth.
I didn’t want the truth anymore.
I remember begging for him to let me fall asleep and wake up and it all be a very bad dream.
The lord had answered my prayer, I had been praying for and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to know that again my husband was being unfaithful.
My friend and my husband had damaged me and I spent years working that all out. I spent years forgiving him I had moved on and we were doing so great. We had been attending the temple together every month, for the first time he had stood up and bore his testimony and I had never been so proud and now this!
How could it be?
What little I did sleep that night was awful, the next days I still couldn’t think straight and all I could do was go through the motions. I was a zombie, I would leave work early and go home to morn that truth.
I remember not wanting to talk about it, I wanted to hide that truth from the world and I wanted to hide it from my heart.
I did, I tried to forget it even happened and then he refused to cut contact with the A from Carbon County, that very same day I could see on the phone record he had called her so I blocked her number, then I called her and asked her truth.
You guessed it she also lied to me, we are just friends, and I wanted to see how his day was?
I wasn’t polite to her and I wasn’t kind and I asked her to stay away from my husband. She was also married and I am sure her husband wouldn’t appreciate it either.
I had been praying to know the truth and now that I did, I wanted to lord to help me forget. I regretted asking the lord to help me find the truth so I wouldn’t feel crazy and now I was asking the lord to just let me be crazy to take it all back!
The lord was giving me what I had asked for and now I wanted him to take it all back so I could go back to pretending, it was easier than lying to everyone around me. The one person who I had always relied on, that I always took all my troubles and worries was the one person That had just done the damage and he just kept lying.
The battle began. I was just hoping the lord would help me.
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