Password Protected

Look at me the stupid wife who believes everything her husband says, wanting to give him the benefits of the doubt when everything in me was screaming something is wrong.

I would continue to ignore what my heart felt that prompting from the spirit that was telling me something was wrong. I would believe all his lies, his gaslighting, his manipulation. I would ask over and over why he was acting this way, what was going on? Asking him to stop working so many hours of the day and night to spend some time with us. He was missing everything, work was all that was important to him.  He blamed me told me I was depressed, so I would go on medication because if he said it had to be true right? He knew me better than anyone. He convinced me something was wrong with me and I believed it. He would convince me I was crazy, over reacting, that I needed to relax. I actually believed something was wrong with me and I was this awful mom and awful wife and I tried my very best to do it all because he was never around to do any of it, help out at all! I flipped out one day about never getting help. I would find out years later he pulled my kids out of school that day.
Lectured them on what they needed to help. 
I wasn’t asking for the kids help I was asking for him to notice. 

We had booked that trip with our friends and I couldn’t wait because no phones, no competing with work. I could not wait for the day in May to come. 

Finally he had to look at me, talk to me, be with me, no outside world pulling us in a million different directions. 

It was going to be just what we needed to get back to us. 

After that trip things were good for a few week then it went right back to never seeing him. Work work work that’s all he cared about and hanging with the guys. Didn’t want to go anywhere with me our weekly date night gone had been for weeks. 

Let me just say if your husband puts a pass code on his phone and is not willing to share it with you then start asking more questions. I don’t care what he had on his phone I didn’t even want to look till he started treating it like it was his prized possession. What an idiot I was for believing his reasoning, at this time he had his personal phone and his work phone.  

The excuse was that he walked out of his office and upon returning someone was at his desk looking at his phone so he put a pass code on it so that people at work would not try and look at it.

Yep I bought it hook, line and sinker...

Why you ask?
Because I loved and trusted him. 

Earlier in our marriage after 1st D-day I would have called him on it. I wouldn’t have believed and trusted so easily it had been 7 years since that once friend and him stole my trust from me. 
7 years of working on trusting again. 

Looking back I can see the red flags.
I have re-lived them over and over in my head. All the times doubting if I wasn’t just crazy, wondering if I had said something earlier, noticed something sooner, told him how it made me feel. Would it had mattered? 
 Would things have been different?
What if I didn’t shut down and go into protection mode. 
Ultimately we are all faced with temptations, none of us get to go through life not having Satan waiting and watching, placing enticing things in our way. Wanting us to follow him and laughing when we finally do. 
Will we step over them?
 Turn and run the other way?
Pick it up and hold it for awhile?  
We can't control someone free agency.
Free to choose!
Right from wrong.
Good from evil!
Try it and hope we won’t get caught? 
The choice is yours to make when faced with the temptation. 

You see the choice to password protect the phone that day and the story told was because there was a girl(temptation) chatting and the conversation wasn’t something he wanted discovered, things started getting more serious beyond a friendship so the password went up to protect this new relationship from being discovered, not by that office worker but from me! 
Me the wife the person who loved him and wanted nothing more then for him to pick me. 
This would be the 2nd time I would perform this dance, the pathetic pick me dance. Maybe I had been doing the dance my whole marriage, maybe I never stopped doing the dance hoping and praying that my husband loved me enough to actually pick me!