Distance

 I had been noticing the distance since April, I had been fighting with myself as to why, I blamed myself mostly.

I was over reacting.

I was struggling.

I was doing what I did best, I was shutting down because of FEAR.

I thought of everything I could to make things better and they seemed to get worse. 

After the cruise things seemed great for a week, a little bit of balance between work and home. Because at this point I still thought it was work. 

I started despising, work and every time that cell phone would ring, pulling him away again and I also started to despise the person on the other end.

Memorial weekend and again he had to go  for work, the friendship cruise. No service, No contact with me for days. I would question why others had returned home and he hadn’t. 

I bought the excuse hook, line and sinker. He was left to put it all away. I would find out later that it was actually because he had made time to meet someone. After returning from the memorial weekend, He went right back to the same old routine working all day and all night seeing him maybe an hour a day and never talking... Neither is good or healthy for any relationship. 

Then came the weekend spent on a trip, with the guys. A weekend in LA.

The wives would all go to the spa for a day and I would hear about the trip from all of them.

I guess the his phone didn’t work or was it because he was choosing to not find any time for me.

I have this tendency to shut down and pull away when I let fear of a situation take hold of me. 

FEAR that something else was going on, the distance I felt wasn’t just work. 

FEAR of what if?

They would return a day early because he decided once again work was more important. 

I remember praying really hard that what ever was going on I would be lead to the truth, I was going crazy, I felt crazy and I started acting crazy, trying to figure out why I had all these feeling and what was going on. 

I not sure how to explain this crazy to someone who hasn’t been there. It’s like you obsess, you over analyze every move, every conversation, searching for clues, anything that may lead you to answer all the unexplained behavior. 

Early Monday morning I remember wondering why I wasn’t told they were on there way home and I was woken up surprised and excited  to hear him come in. 

I cuddled up next to him as he laid in bed and I prayed.

I placed my hand on his chest and I remember asking the lord to help me soften his heart, to help me reach him, I remember begging to protect him from the grasp of Satan. 

I slept with my hand on his chest, and a prayer in my heart. 

The prayer that I would be able to figure out what was going on and for a way to help him with whatever it was he was struggling with. The prayer for him to guide me to what I needed, to best help him and whatever was going on with him that he would let me in, not to close me off and talk to me... 

I WAS ABOUT TO GET WHAT I HAD PRAYED FOR!