Father’s Day

Father’s Day, my heart sank as I sat gazing through the windshield at that dark shadow of my dads headstone.  I couldn’t help wipe away the warm tears trickling down my cheeks as I walked towards it at 3 am. I sat resting my back against it and stared up at the stars. That moment how grateful I was that my father wasn’t alive to see the nightmare-ish sight of me.  

As I sat and reflected on the utter shattering of my heart, why I couldn’t keep it together and I began hiding again  the loss that lay before me.  I had my life’s journey with big, fairytale plans.  I had pictured my own “white picket fence”, and my perfect little family, complete with a “happily ever after”.  Unfortunately, that is not what lies before me. I had dreamed, built, worked hard, planned, and cared for that life. 

I wondered how many other people dread this day, or the whole month of June like me? 

Felt disappointment as their dreams shattered around them.  I wondered how many others like me; shattered, broken, abandoned, and left to piece things back together, when there life was ripped away. 

Life seemed to move forward without me the wee hours of this morning as I sat at the final resting place of the body of my dad. I knew he was there and I knew he was watching the tears. 

Transparency of my shattered pieces, he asked that I stopped trying to hide the pain of my past and all its difficulties. 

I have found that it is those shattered pieces of my heart is where God’s love and light shine for my unique purpose. I don’t understand why he wants me to share my humanness, my fragile pieces I want to keep hidden. 

Life is full of shattered pieces, illness, death, depression, addiction, loss of jobs, loss of insurance, divorce. These things in life that crack and damage our spirits. 

I may hate June but I know the lord won’t keep me here. In His own loving way, in his  own time God will renew these shattered pieces. He isn’t going to fix me the same as I was. I not sure she even exists anymore or that he will ever find the whole her. 

I sat in the cool morning breeze of this day and softly spoke to my dad. Letting the tears fall with every word. Knowing he could hear them all and that he was close by. Just wanting to hear his voice one more time, wanting to touch his hand, wanting nothing more than to cry in his arms. Knowing that wanting all those things will never bring him back. Knowing that I will see him again one day when my journey and mission in this life is fulfilled. 

This is why I write. 

I don’t know why it has happened this way. I not even sure why he wants me to live this. 

I do know this, as I have prayed this week and asked if it was okay if I went back into hiding all the shattered pieces of me and my story, if I had done enough. I really don’t want to write the next part as I am not wanting to share the pain of it. 

I took my prayers to the one place I knew I could listen without the world influencing that answer. I sat in that celestial room and I prayed. Asked and listened waiting  until I knew my answer, I didn’t like the answer but I knew. I attended twice that day and because I couldn’t just trust it the first time, I asked again and again it was the same. As I sat with my dad this morning I asked that he help his little girl heal from the wounds of this. 

I know the lord has a unique purpose for all of us. I know I am not alone in this journey, I know that like me there are so many others wishing this wasn’t what lies ahead of them. That they too feel the loss of the life and future which was taken.

Let us all allow the love of the savior to shine through our shattered pieces.