A sense of despair and broke trust that’s what followed me for months and I hated that about myself. Forgiving that was difficult because I remember that he was self-centered, dishonest, entitled, irresponsible, impulsive, and aggressive through all of it. The comments that would haunt me remembering how cruel and cold he was.
The day he grabbed my leg and said if I didn’t know better I would think this was all fat.
The night we laid out on the tramp with the kids looking at stars and I said why would you give any of this up.
His reply “we can always be friends with benefits.”
How he told me I was crazy.
I had forgotten this until therapy brought it up a few weeks ago. A few month after moving back in he was sexting a co-worker at his office. She had just split from her husband and had gallbladder surgery. When I read the messages between the two of them I tried to convince myself he is just being nice, but I knew that it was more then I wanted to give credit to. I shut down, went silent. That’s what I did when I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t crazy and that I wasn’t over reacting. He asked me what was wrong and I called him out on it, I repeated the whole text conversation to him. He said I was just trying to be nice. Funny I don’t every remember texting any of my coworkers about how I would love to come over and make them feel better. Her asking him how much more weight she should lose.
I sent her a message and asked her to please stop sexting with my husband.
I got no reply.
I regret not seeing the signs of addiction then. Should I have pushed therapy then. I was angry at the lord so I wasn’t about to ask for his help I didn’t need his kind of help if he was going to allow me to continue living this trial in life. No thank you lord I will figure this out myself and for probably a good 6 months I didn’t pray, I attended church when I felt like it but that wasn’t often. I stopped paying my tithing you know because I was going to show him just how angry he had made me. Yep I wasn’t about to ask the lord for a thing.
Too bad he couldn’t smack me upside the head. What I have learned is that he can’t and won’t take our free agency away.
Good things for kids because I know I went back because I had a 8 year old boy wanting to be baptized like all his sisters cousins and friends.
The lord gave me those little blessing to keep me Christ centered and that’s what softened my heart.
I had decided that at this moment I had done what the lord had asked and that my marriage was worth saving. I was committed for time and all eternity. He was my person, he had made mistakes but I loved him all of him. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I didn’t want to actually.
After this sexting incident, I felt like he did the work. He helped restore the sense of safety and rebuilt trust and I believe every word of it.
At times I suffered from sadness, disappointment and anger. I knew that no marriage was perfect and that everyone else also felt this way from time to time. The first year was plagued with fear, suspicion and some jealousy. My my mind was working on protecting my heart and was on full alert. I worked hard at keeping those feeling at bay and focused on forgiveness.
I set some boundaries and we worked together to build. It took time but we did it I felt that we had come back and we were stronger then ever. I worked on building that self esteem that had been severely damaged.
I had no idea what was in store for me.
I got the the point of trusting him fully I didn’t suspect, I didn’t question, I still had triggers that would pop up like when he left town for work because of that LA trip that would reveal his affair. I didn’t doubt I felt he loved me just as much. We went on the live what I would describe our happy amazing lives with our 3 beautiful amazing kids. I honestly thought this made us better people that it brought us closer together, that it made us have a better marriage.
Fast forward to 2017, 20 years together and we had this amazing love story.
Many family vacations, weekend get aways. We had booked our anniversary cruise for July/Aug.
I couldn’t have been more happy with my life. I had everything I ever wanted my Prince Charming and a wonderful love story that had survived what would have ruined other marriages. Nope we had conquered the ugly and were planning for the future, kids graduating and retirement right around the corner. We talked about traveling the world. What kind of grandparents we were going to be. I was so excited about this amazing future.
I had no idea the storm that had been brewing, the storm I knew nothing about. The storm that would destroy it all!
I had no idea it was all a lie. I had no idea about the double life that was just about to surface.
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