How to, WHAT?

I not sure whether to laugh at me or cry for me.

As I have struggled with writing the last few weeks, I just haven’t been in the right mindset to read any of it. People can be nasty, I knew going in I needed to prepare for the good and the bad of this. I know what it was going to do for me, and that was and will continue to be my main focus. HEALING 

The last post must have been a lot for a few people who decided to use mean words. The kind that cut you to the core, words like you know people don’t believe your lies. As if I hadn’t lived it and wished more than once that I could close my eyes and have none of it be true. If I could make it go away, I would do just that. Still, I did live this; it wasn’t something I choose, it's not something I wanted and if I could take it all back I would because the pain from living these moments have been hard to handle and even harder to explain and understand even with therapy. So guess what KAREN, don’t read, just keep right on scrolling.

Tonight I was feeling extra crappy about myself, extra crappy about the world, and so I picked up that journal. I held it for a very long moment convincing myself that the pages told my story the one I am ashamed of the one that haunts me and the one that ripped a gaping hole in my heart that I seriously doubt will ever be filled.

By as I slowly opened to that first page, my fingers slowly turned the page my hand smoothed the papers as if they could take the pain, erase the pain from the pages. I haven’t opened that book to the beginning for 2 long years, which seems like forever but still feels like yesterday. The hell that I lived, the lies, I believed, I read the words written by that girl, and I actually want to hit her. I want to smack the living crap out of her and say REALLY you believed that! The words I could hear my mouth speaking weren’t kind. (So don’t worry KAREN I got it covered) Like I said, I am not sure if I should laugh or cry or both at that me who fought so hard for what? Could someone tell me for what? KAREN care to chime in? Lies that hurt me beyond anything life has thrown at me thus far. The page I wanted to rip from the spine on that black journal the page I would have taken an eraser to if it hadn’t been written in ink. The page I wish maybe I could have skipped right over. But there it was, and I started laughing at me through the tears.

How to save your marriage Alone! 

Haha, oh honestly what a joke, how embarrassing did you seriously buy a book on how to save your marriage? The book I waisted $15 for the audio version.

How did that turn out for you, no not trying to trash the book but really? Why did I buy this why oh why did I think it was the magic key, I mean I have to give that girl some credit as she faithfully listened and took notes. Yes, notes as she listened in the journal. At one point, it said you can use this phrase. I mean, I not going to give the secret away just in case you want to read the book and give it a try. Oh, wait, I will spare you from spending the $.

This phrase was going to change it all. Are you ready? 

Remember how amazing this ______was and the love we shared?  We will always regret it if we don’t at least try to build that incredible connection before we throw it all away...

Yep, you guessed it. I used it, you know, I wrote it down in my little journal, and at the time I must have had a load of hope that it would work. It was going to be my saving grace, you know because the book said so, so I waited for the perfect day, and I sent it. I bet you can’t guess what day it was. You guessed it today. Why had I picked up that journal, and why had I read that page. Why because we had the year prior gone on an incredible 20-year trip. It was amazing. It was exceptional, and the time of my life, I wasn’t sure anything could top it. Now it won’t because I had no idea what secrets were already being kept the lies being told, and now it all just seems like that! The giant lie of a life I lived. That’s where I get stuck the fabrication of an experience I lived, and I didn’t even know it, but this girl the one writing on these pages that I now read she believed with all of her she could save it and you know she fought like HELL to do just that, and in the end, it broke her. It broke almost everything she ever believed in. Love, trust, always, and forever, it broke how she views herself and how she views the world and others. I wish I could go back and smack her hard and say it won’t make one damn bit of difference. You are wasting your time. In the end, you will be heartbroken. You will have to make hard choices that will make you cry every day you will do all the things you think are right. In the end, none of them will be enough let me punch you in the gut now so that the blow that’s coming can not hurt so much let me slap some sense into you so that the devastation won’t last so dang long let me punch you hard so maybe the tears won’t sting as they roll down your face when you lose all hope. When hope is lost, and your world goes dark because that’s what will happen if you keep trying to save something that you didn’t break. Oh, darling if only you could see the HELL that's coming because I promise you that you would run far away so that you won’t have to feel it.

But hear I sit reading her words and admiring the faith, she had to follow the promptings. I mean, I think maybe I deserve a refund from that audiobook. 

The truth I can’t save her as I read these words from a version of me that I can’t save, I can’t prevent her from wondering what she did so wrong that deserved this. I can’t keep her from the truth that she is soon to find out, I can’t save her from the lies. I can’t save her from then infidelity that's bigger than she could ever imagine. I can’t save her, so I stopped reading because I know how this will end her hope dies her heartbreaks and a wound is left that will never heal. I know how it ends and damn it if I don’t want to save her from it all if I don’t wake every day wishing it was different if I don’t cry more often then I want if my heart still hurts more than it should if I could just rip that page and make it all go away. But it won’t change a thing it happened; it’s real, and it sucks. I can’t pretend it away. I can’t close my eye and make it feel better. I can’t even live my life without something in my life every day, reminding me that it happened, and this is, in fact, my life the one I live after the trama that would change that girl on that page forever. 

She is different; she is guarded and dull and sad. She isn’t the same; she is missing pieces of her, and no matter how hard she tries, she can’t be her—a shell of her former self working hard to be something different than the girl on that page. 

Trying hard to find a piece of her that’s not shattered. 

She misses her old her but knows she will never return she died in the pages that are to follow, and I closed the book because I can’t stomach reading anymore as I see the sorrow that fills the next pages and the how to save your marriage alone was enough for one night. I might still be laughing through my tears on that brilliant idea, and I want my money back!