I Understand

I started writing tonight when I received a message asking me how did you feel when you discovered the truth. My heart broke for this woman. I knew exactly how she felt. Her world had just come crashing down.
I said these words.
I want you to know that Heavenly Father has been listening and watching. He is mindful of all that was going on around you. He has seen the truth; he has heard and understood what you were then only suspicious of, I am praying for angels to surround you, the Lord is going to send you people to love and support you. He will not leave you alone. I am praying for you also to feel the love of the savior. He will help carry you through this time.
With that being said, this is what I felt when I discovered the truth saw the truth with my own eyes, and this is what I am going to share with you. I am also not as good at following my own advice. So my survivers out there that have lived this awful nightmare you are not alone.
I have been judged by many for writing, and I have felt shame for someone else choices and tonight as I read that pleading from me for answers I said to the Lord, I get it now. The Lord sends people, and tonight he sent me. He sent me because, like her, my heart feels the same; my words are his.
Cheating on someone is the worst I will say it again the WORST thing you can do to someone. When you do this, it's not just hurting them; for a person who has been cheated on, there will always be a reminder to them. It will haunt them, break them, anger, regret, anxiety, shame, depression, loss, and your choice caused that. You cheated and told them that they were not good enough for you. That you never loved them.
Why would you put someone you love in this position?
They now doubt there self-worth. Questioning it all, and everything they knew about you.
You did not do anything wrong. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING you did or didn't do could have stopped this, and I know you tried.
Why did it happen?
Am I enough?
Why did they do it?

I know you are going to ask these questions over and over again as I have done the same.
You are going to feel emotionally scarred, and you're going to build this wall around your heart, so it won't ever be hurt again.  It's going to hurt because your world has stopped while the rest of the world continues. You're going to feel paranoid, the hurt, you will carry it for a long time. Do not judge yourself for anything you do because you are not yourself. Trust was broken, and you want to trust again, but the fear prevents you from ever wanting to feel like this again.
Be patient, and kind to yourself, all things I am not awful at. I have been told to have compassion for me who wanted to believe.
You will feel like an emotional wreck, a mess inside, a shell.
When you're cheated on, you feel like you were never loved, respected, or cared about. They didn't think about you or how it would affect you only themselves. It was selfish, and it was unfair. It damaged you.
My thinking was you picked the one person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, the one you would stick by through thick and thin the good and the bad and the ugly the one you created a life with.  I was shattered, I picked them, and they never picked me. There was always someone else.
To love someone is to respect them, now all of that has been betrayed. Loyalty is what you gave, and now instead of receiving what you gave you were cheated on, and that is the absolute most damaging thing you can do to a person that loves you.
I am here, I hear you, I have felt what you feel, and my heart is breaking for you.
I testify of the truthfulness of his love, and he has a plan much bigger than what you have for yourself. He will hear the silent pleading of your heart. He may not give you the miracle you want, he may not answer all your prayers, but if I did anything right in the mess of this,  it was trusting that he would never leave my side even when I challenged him, screamed and cursed. He sent me the most amazing people to walk this storm that I still battle. Not everyone will get you, or what you have been through. I have been broke down enough to not care much anymore. Find the people who will listen, the ones who can see past your fake smile and will see your pain. The ones that will hold your hand and reach out to take yours. The ones that will stay by your side and not judge you. They are his gift, they will be your light and shine when you don't. His words flow from me effortlessly. He will guide you, he loves you, and he is there.

Words

These three words can still bring tears.

Here is what I have found for the most part people mean well.
What some may not realize is that words can do so much more damage to your already fragile soul.
You don’t get to choose how someone heals after you broke them, or how long it takes to recover from something so traumatic. You didn’t have to live it. I have found it way longer then I want, than I wish, I have prayed and hoped for the pain to go away to wake up and be okay but the truth, how do you just forget 25 years of your life and be okay? I have learned to sit in the pain if I am ever going to be okay, and it sucks! There are scars you can’t see and a truth you don’t know, some too painful to share!
So My words that Suck:
How are you?
You need to move on (yes if only it were this simple)
Get over it( because getting over infidelity is just something that happens by saying this.)
You're okay! Am I alright because inside me feels like a ticking time bomb!
You're so much better off? Yes, single parent, one income, losing you past, present and fearing the future, losing my best friend and eternal companion feels like I am so much better off.    

                                       


You're going to be okay; even so, would you be okay had this been done to you or someone you love?
You don’t have to live it, and you don’t have to wake up every day and battle all the self-doubt and failure that surrounds you. You don’t battle the thoughts Satan would have you believe.
The words that follow me around like a thought bubble 💭 above my head. The ones I hope nobody will see.
Your not enough ( have someone go back on their covenants to be your eternal partner makes you feel you're never enough for anyone)
You failed
The reason I have a hard time making eye contact with most people. The shame, humiliation, the truth that is now my reality.

                                   

I realized there is one who sees all, one who knows all, one that heard and saw the truth that I didn’t know. Heavenly Father was there when my world shattered to pieces; my reality changed. He saw as I broke into a million pieces, and he loved me through it all. His words aren’t you're okay, be fine, he hasn’t said your so much better off, he knows and sees all my broken, I can’t hide it from him. He isn’t whispering you get over it, and it’s been too long. He knows the work I do daily. He knows my heart; he knows it’s been ripped from my chest stomped on and shoved back only to beat and keep me alive. But that’s all it’s doing keeping me alive and killing me at the same time. One step I take forward to have it thrown in my face, and I slide back to start the work all over again. The savior stands there, reaching out his hand, preventing me from drowning. He knows the struggles I have allowed Satan to fill my head with thoughts, thoughts that I think are my own thoughts that scare me. Then I realize they are not my own, and I work to control them.

 I had a conversation June 28, 2018, and sent this photo when he said to me all I do is drown me and everyone else, he was sorry for making me suffer and that I was stronger than him, and why we all got punished because he failed. I told him he had not failed, and the Lord places people in our lives to love, help, and support us through them. I was begging him to let me. telling him the lord was there to help him.
Learning to sit in pain has been the most challenging thing. The day in therapy and he said I want you to sit in that pain, and I said this is what I am trying not to feel and you want me to sit in it? Nope, I don’t want to. I am sick of the pain. He said, stop running from it. Stop hiding it. Stop trying to feel anything else. I said the last part is natural I don’t feel anything but numb. The pain never leaves.
I want to pretend I was fine, and I would like for once not to hold back the tears. I want the tears to go away altogether. I know this shell of a person I am today. Numb I prefer that over sitting in the pain.

                                 

I miss that girl that was full of hope and promise back on June 28th. I lost her, I have tried to find her, but she is gone. Maybe she ran away? Never to come back. She can’t see the good; she can’t fix what has happened; she can’t un-see un-hear any of it. She is done sitting in the pain. She is physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted, and the one person she cared the most about she could not save. She was wrong, so very wrong about what she thought her life was? She lived a fake lie, and she didn’t even know it. She could not see it; she was Naïve, stupid some would say.
WORDS & TRUTH have shattered her.
I don’t think she is ever coming back.
That person was willing to forgive it all. She fought & loved fiercely; she did what the Lord asked.
So yes for those that have called me stupid, fool, blind, crazy. Don’t worry, and you don’t have to use your words because if you look closely that thought 💭 bubble follows me and all those words are there. I feel them about myself also. That girl that ran and left me an empty shell. I don’t want her back anymore. She fought to be lied to, used, manipulated, gaslighted. She fought for love, and love is what shattered her.
The shell that’s left will keep doing what God has asked. She will keep doing it and sitting in the pain because the only thing I have left is the faith that he will lead me through, that he can turn something shattered into something not.
I keep going. When it’s hard when it hurts when I get frustrated with myself and when people question me. When I have no idea and doubt it all, he knows, and he pushes me to keep going because he knows what he is doing.
Recycling the pain into something that can help others. That is the promise I have that he will always be there reaching out his hand to me, to you and to that girl who’s innocents was stolen because she loved without fear, without limits, without hesitation, unconditionally.

I am so glad that I have a heavenly father that loves me, that I have a savior that died for me. That when I doubt he is waiting from me to take his hand.

SAFETY OF A BLANKET

It’s in the wee quite hours of the morning that I ask for help, I pray for guidance, I listen for the answers. Sleep never comes easy. Rest my body may get, but my soul doesn’t feel. 

This morning was no different and as I laid in bed talking to the lord. I asked him to give me the words to write next. Usually after that 3 am sudden wake and then prayer,  I can doze back off. 

It’s the unwelcome dreams that startle me. The power of a prayer, I had prayed nightly for my dreams to stop and Heavenly Father gave me just what I asked for.  For a solid month no dreams at all. I soon realized I needed to change that prayer, it may have taken the nightmares away, but it also took the good dreams. I still wanted the inspiration I received from my dreams so I started praying to deal with the nightmares associated with this trauma.  I didn’t only want but need those inspirational dreams, I had realized I missed them.

That day the lord guided me to the people that would be my angels here on earth. I know he had a hand in that phone call made June 3, 2018. He directed me and my kids to that Christ like love of these amazing people. 

Two short days later as I was out walking, I got a message asking if my kids could go on a trip. She said I don’t want to take them away if you need them but I would love for them to join us. I knew the kids needed that. I knew I would have to return to work the next day or file for a medical leave. The mess of all of it was too much and I wanted them to go have some relief and joy.  

 The people Heavenly Father guided me to were sent in that awful day to be out beacon of hope, our shining light, the ones that would and did help us survive. 

This sweet amazing lady walks on water I can promise that. 

The day she picked up the kids, I knew they had left and I was on survival mode I got a text as my kids left that said mom she left us a present it on the table when you get home.

I arrived home from work to find 5 amazing gifts.

Blankets, these were not just any blankets.

These blankets are the softest, warmest, most amazing gift we received early on.  I have slept with it every single night since that day. I call it my Jesus blanket it keeps me safe and protected and I would be lost without it. Yes I am a grown woman and it’s been a security thing for me. It was a gift of love that I needed and I knew when I wrapped in it, it was her love and the saviors love wrapped around me. 

It’s in that safety of my bed I never want to leave. It’s there I can stay wrapped in that love.

There are days I can’t even leave the safety of that bed, days it’s hard to get up and put one foot in front of another. Days I go through the motion and long to be back in the comfort and peace of that blanket. The days it’s hard, and difficult to even want to breath. Days I wake up from the nightmare with the pain in my chest from the dreams. It’s also where I wake up with the words to write next, the answers to my prayers. The days that I drag myself from the security and love of that blanket.  Most days with not much more than a shower, a pony tail, and no makeup. The days all I can do is pray that Heavenly Father will help me survive. 

I know it’s in that safety of that blanket when the 3 am nightmares occur I can reach for that blanket and talk to my savior telling him all. The quiet whispers, pleading, and all the tears. I know he hears, he is mindful, he is always there waiting, listening and holding me up when the weight of the world keeps dragging me down, I can stay wrapped in that blanket for far too long. Like that blanket he is waiting for us to reach out and wrap ourselves in his love. That blanket is my connection to him it’s a reminder when I go to bed and it’s a reminder when I wake up to share my fears of leaving that safety. I could stay there forever hiding away from the world. It’s that blanket that I stay wrapped in while praying for help and guidance. I plead for understanding and I continue to ask for a glimpse every morning while wrapped in that blanket of my saviors love. 

I know how special this blanket has been for me and I have ordered one that I want to share with some else the needs the saviors love.