Words

These three words can still bring tears.

Here is what I have found for the most part people mean well.
What some may not realize is that words can do so much more damage to your already fragile soul.
You don’t get to choose how someone heals after you broke them, or how long it takes to recover from something so traumatic. You didn’t have to live it. I have found it way longer then I want, than I wish, I have prayed and hoped for the pain to go away to wake up and be okay but the truth, how do you just forget 25 years of your life and be okay? I have learned to sit in the pain if I am ever going to be okay, and it sucks! There are scars you can’t see and a truth you don’t know, some too painful to share!
So My words that Suck:
How are you?
You need to move on (yes if only it were this simple)
Get over it( because getting over infidelity is just something that happens by saying this.)
You're okay! Am I alright because inside me feels like a ticking time bomb!
You're so much better off? Yes, single parent, one income, losing you past, present and fearing the future, losing my best friend and eternal companion feels like I am so much better off.    

                                       


You're going to be okay; even so, would you be okay had this been done to you or someone you love?
You don’t have to live it, and you don’t have to wake up every day and battle all the self-doubt and failure that surrounds you. You don’t battle the thoughts Satan would have you believe.
The words that follow me around like a thought bubble 💭 above my head. The ones I hope nobody will see.
Your not enough ( have someone go back on their covenants to be your eternal partner makes you feel you're never enough for anyone)
You failed
The reason I have a hard time making eye contact with most people. The shame, humiliation, the truth that is now my reality.

                                   

I realized there is one who sees all, one who knows all, one that heard and saw the truth that I didn’t know. Heavenly Father was there when my world shattered to pieces; my reality changed. He saw as I broke into a million pieces, and he loved me through it all. His words aren’t you're okay, be fine, he hasn’t said your so much better off, he knows and sees all my broken, I can’t hide it from him. He isn’t whispering you get over it, and it’s been too long. He knows the work I do daily. He knows my heart; he knows it’s been ripped from my chest stomped on and shoved back only to beat and keep me alive. But that’s all it’s doing keeping me alive and killing me at the same time. One step I take forward to have it thrown in my face, and I slide back to start the work all over again. The savior stands there, reaching out his hand, preventing me from drowning. He knows the struggles I have allowed Satan to fill my head with thoughts, thoughts that I think are my own thoughts that scare me. Then I realize they are not my own, and I work to control them.

 I had a conversation June 28, 2018, and sent this photo when he said to me all I do is drown me and everyone else, he was sorry for making me suffer and that I was stronger than him, and why we all got punished because he failed. I told him he had not failed, and the Lord places people in our lives to love, help, and support us through them. I was begging him to let me. telling him the lord was there to help him.
Learning to sit in pain has been the most challenging thing. The day in therapy and he said I want you to sit in that pain, and I said this is what I am trying not to feel and you want me to sit in it? Nope, I don’t want to. I am sick of the pain. He said, stop running from it. Stop hiding it. Stop trying to feel anything else. I said the last part is natural I don’t feel anything but numb. The pain never leaves.
I want to pretend I was fine, and I would like for once not to hold back the tears. I want the tears to go away altogether. I know this shell of a person I am today. Numb I prefer that over sitting in the pain.

                                 

I miss that girl that was full of hope and promise back on June 28th. I lost her, I have tried to find her, but she is gone. Maybe she ran away? Never to come back. She can’t see the good; she can’t fix what has happened; she can’t un-see un-hear any of it. She is done sitting in the pain. She is physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted, and the one person she cared the most about she could not save. She was wrong, so very wrong about what she thought her life was? She lived a fake lie, and she didn’t even know it. She could not see it; she was Naïve, stupid some would say.
WORDS & TRUTH have shattered her.
I don’t think she is ever coming back.
That person was willing to forgive it all. She fought & loved fiercely; she did what the Lord asked.
So yes for those that have called me stupid, fool, blind, crazy. Don’t worry, and you don’t have to use your words because if you look closely that thought 💭 bubble follows me and all those words are there. I feel them about myself also. That girl that ran and left me an empty shell. I don’t want her back anymore. She fought to be lied to, used, manipulated, gaslighted. She fought for love, and love is what shattered her.
The shell that’s left will keep doing what God has asked. She will keep doing it and sitting in the pain because the only thing I have left is the faith that he will lead me through, that he can turn something shattered into something not.
I keep going. When it’s hard when it hurts when I get frustrated with myself and when people question me. When I have no idea and doubt it all, he knows, and he pushes me to keep going because he knows what he is doing.
Recycling the pain into something that can help others. That is the promise I have that he will always be there reaching out his hand to me, to you and to that girl who’s innocents was stolen because she loved without fear, without limits, without hesitation, unconditionally.

I am so glad that I have a heavenly father that loves me, that I have a savior that died for me. That when I doubt he is waiting from me to take his hand.