NATIONAL NOTHING DAY

When I woke up, 3:00 am, and I knew what day it was I knew this date, it will forever be ingrained into my Shattered pieces. Today was the day I knew that something was off something big. We had argued, and I thought that would be the end of it we would both say what we felt and then we would find a way to solve the issue like we had so many times before. This time it was different. Me inside of me, screaming and kicking and trying to get out. She sensed what was coming. She had been trying to convince me it was coming long before this day, January 16th. I felt uneasy. I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't pinpoint anything because I didn't want to have to listen to her because if she was right, I knew it would destroy me. I knew what it would do and the damage it would cause, or so I thought because it was much bigger than I could have ever imagined.

Today I tried to avoid it. I wrote a whole other post after that 3 am wake up. I tried to step away from the memory of this day I decided to live in the reality that none of it happened that I could make it all go away if I ignored it.
I had not realized what was going to come. I went about my day trying not to write the date because I felt as if it would trigger me the me I fight to keep hidden the one that will cry. Then it happened an innocent moment that would suck the breath out of me and would leave me speechless.
As I sat working at my desk trying to accomplish all that was stacked in my pile a woman walked up, I looked up from the computer and said hello, then the words I didn't want to hear escaped her lips.
 "How is your husband?"
 I am sure the shock on my face said it all. I had been asked this question many times and the reason I didn't venture out very much in the beginning because it would be, I haven't seen your husband. I would smile and nod and then escape to cry. I haven't had this moment happen for quite a while, and I wasn't expecting, and I sure as heck wasn't prepared for it. There it was a reminder of what today was. I could not escape it.
I looked around to make sure she wasn't talking to someone I couldn't see even though I knew I was the only one she was speaking to her.
I politely said, "I don't have one."
her reply, " yes you do" with a smile on her face as if I was lying.
The inside me wanted to shout at her and say no I am pretty sure I don't he left me nearly two years ago for a 23-year-old. I knew this lady didn't need to hear the reason I dint have a husband, so I just replied. "I am pretty positive I don't have a husband.
She looked embarrassed now and said, oh I thought he was sick, and that's why you stopped teaching. All the ladies in the pool were talking about it. I said no, sorry, I don't have a husband.
This sweet lady apologized and walked away.
I know she had no idea what she had just done; she attempted to show kindness to my sick husband left me in a mess. And the effect that statement would have on me this day. The tears started to trickle down my face like they had many times in the past when the comment would stop me in my tracks and leave me feeling defeated.
I stood from my desk, hoping to escape before anyone could see them. I walked to my car, started it, and drove away from that moment, away from that comment. What I couldn't escape was me and the tears flowing and the feeling that dark feeling where my lungs feel constricted. I thought I had worked on this and that I would ignore it today. Now I couldn't. That comment had stirred up a lot of stuff, stuff I wasn't prepared for today. I wanted answers to that one question that nobody can give.
WHY DID MY HUSBAND DO THIS?
Dammit, I want that answer. I have to live in the reality of this, another choice that did so much damage. I at least deserved that answer to why he did all of this. Created this reality, the one I have to accept.
Yes, this is work from therapy here trying to accept the reality I live in, This is where I am at, and this is what I need.
I need to acknowledge the day and face it. This is where I am and the fear of change at what it can affect. I don't have to be healthy or courageous today, I can wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it's okay to grieve. I thought I had become a good griever over the last two years, but today as I share pieces of me, I can break down and ask to step away from the moment, and ask what do I need? I not going to pretend today isn't a sense of sadness and the loss of my husband.
I have learned I am going to have good days, and I am going to have bad days like last Thursday, and all I wanted to was shut down and give way to the darkness. I will accept that it's not going to go away even if I pretend it not there or that day isn't the one that is the beginning of the change of it all.
Life will never be the same, and all I can do is to continue to be authentic.
So today sucks, I will continue to do the work on the days that suck, and I will continue to rely on the lord that he has me. That this is precisely what he wants me to continue to do.