Today I woke up that 3 am hour still plagues me that nightmare, and my heart hurt that squeezing pain in my chest that makes me want to throw up. This day two years ago, If this is what ’40s looks like I want a do-over, I wanted the same thing last year. Time has carried on 2018 I don’t know what to say about it. In 2011 I vowed never to have a year that shattered again, but here it was 2018 in all her glory. January 3rd isn’t just a birthday; it’s the day I am reminded that my voice didn’t matter that my one request for that day was forgotten. 2018 was the year the Grande pin was pulled and left at my feet. Humiliating, shattering, painful, humbling, haunting year of my life. That 2018 40th Birthday memories are what brings that pain in my chest on this 3 am sudden wake-up.
New Year and Birthday so close the time to reflect upon one's life. The memories of the betrayal, which were buried but not gone, have again resurfaced. It's hard to believe that after two years, the pain is still fresh. The memories that won’t fade the ones that stick with you even when you run from them the one you try to get so far away from, but that 3 am nightmare just won’t let you. 2020 and I still want a redo. Because this isn’t what I thought ’40s would be.
I have learned a lot of things in the last two years a lot of hard truth about life none more shattering than the previous 2 years, truths I didn’t want to know, secrets that were being kept for years, facts that kept me frozen with fear. Dreams and trust shattered.
It all lays at my feet. I can see the shattered pieces moments of my life that I can’t look at. They don’t fit; I can’t find all the pieces because I deal with all the lies. I can see the good memories mixed in with the bad, but even they have been tainted with the words it was all fake, I faked it all.
That phrase let go. Yes, let's take the past 25 years of pieces lying at my feet, sweep them up and toss them away. Try it see how easy it is to take the life you lived, loved, and sweep it all up and throw it. I dare you to see how easy it is because when you toss it, you will also lose a lot of people along with it. Twenty-five years of relationships vanish right along with it people you loved.
Yes, the shattered pieces of me lying at my feet, what do I do with them step over and forget they ever existed? That may be easy for some. Maybe it’s easy for you to walk forward and never look back, pretend it never happened. If I have learned anything in therapy is that it’s not in my makeup, it’s not who I am. I don’t just toss away what I loved and cherished I try to fit all the pieces back together, and I am working on finding the pieces of me scattered around put them back together. There is no such thing as a whole anymore because I gave pieces of myself away to others, and all I can do is learn to find the pieces of me that aren’t shattered and to love them. It’s a work in progress.
I learned in the last two years, and the lord gives you some of the most amazing people to help love the pieces lying at your feet. The pieces that are sharp and cut, the pieces that aren’t lovable, the dark pieces, the empty pieces, the ones that look and feel flawed, the little ones that can only be seen for a small moment. He has given me people that helped me find them and helped me take a step forward even if I am going to turn around and take ten steps back they have helped me with that one step forward anyway. Held my hand, been a source of relief a shoulder or lap to cry in a hug that means more than any other gift in the world. He hasn’t left me alone, and if you are standing in your shattered pieces, he won’t leave you alone either. He is there, and he sends you people. Some love me even when I can’t love myself. I can assure you that he is always there proud of the one step forward the inch or the one shattered piece you pick up and glue back together. He knows the path he knows the future even when you're frozen in fear. He can lead you, and he will send you people.
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