LOADED GUN

Every day we will face triggers, reminders of trauma from the past, that try to take us to our weakest points. Times when we are entirely ready for them, other times they will shatter us so profoundly we may never be whole.

This day, the day that my world changed in a blink of an eye. June 3rd, the day I can feel in every shattered piece around me. A day I am unable to forget, a day that triggers the worst and the dream I talk about the one I can not escape. A day that holds so much trauma, the secret that’s keeping me sick. I begged and pleaded with him to find another way when his cold words, dark eyes that are etched into my heart forever.

 I can’t feel this way anymore, I can only assume the guilt of his lying, I will never know as the words he uttered let me leave and tell the kids, or I am going, and none of you will ever seem me again. What kind of options are these neither I would willingly choose without a fight? To this day, I wish I would have chosen differently.  Because of the trauma that would unfold when I told him you win after this incident, I will regret for everyone involved in this ugly situation. 

I looked at him pleading tears in my eyes and said if you do this, you might as well put a bullet in me because that’s what it’s going to feel like anyway. I didn’t understand, I couldn’t see the truth from the lies, I thought he was broken and going to kill himself like he had threatened many times the last month. The secret that’s was keeping me sick the truth I hadn’t admitted to many, the secret I was keeping that my therapist was trying to reach with the EMDR was this. The secret that left me in pieces in her office and I believed shocked her. She said I am not sure I know how to help you as I am not qualified for this kind of trauma.

The secret that came spilling out of me while everything inside me was protesting it stay put, I had fought for healing and this day this wasn’t it.

 The truth I fought so hard to keep inside, and it had just broken me in that office. 

Do you know what it’s like to have a loaded gun held to your head?

What it feels like for the one person you thought would always protect you did the unthinkable? 

 It feels like slow motion I watched as he picked that gun, his duty weapon. I heard the sound of the metal clip, I turned around as I couldn’t look into his eyes as he raised it, I could feel it near my head, my heart was pounding, then came the words “now what tough girl.”

Shaking the words that flowed out of my mouth next were... “pull the trigger.”

That’s what my heart wanted at that moment, and a sense of calm surrounded me. Waiting! 

I heard the metal clip again, and I watched as he tossed the gun back into the box and walked away from me.

I was scared of him in that moment, but my heart also ached, I thought he was broken, and I wanted to understand why he would actually do that to me his wife, the mother of his children was he trying to hurt me or scare me either way it worked. 

I am now terrified of that man. Terrified of what he is capable of. The nightmares associated with this moment In life haunt me. I can’t get it out of my head or the cells of my body.  This week they have kept me awake; that nightmare I dread has returned. Sleep I fear as I know I will live this in my dream, but unlike reality, in my dreams, he always pulls the trigger, and I am jerked awake in the dark in a full-blown panic attack. Sweating and wiling my lungs to breathe and the tears. Is this really my life? 

The truth of the secret told in EMDR is the shame of the many nights I wished, he had done just that pulled that trigger and spared me having live any of this trauma he created.

Learning all the truths of life, I knew nothing about it. I wished on this day, and so many occasions, he could have had the guts to end it that day with the squeezing of that trigger.  I want to not feel the fear in every fiber of me when I see his face or have to be near him. The sound of a gun that creates bile to rise in my throat and the sound of that cocking loading the bullet in the chamber,  gunmetal sending a chill down my spine. It’s what I see when I have to see him that face that gun and I tailspin, emotional turmoil for days.  My soul is connected to him, and I can feel the instant he is near me, my hair stands up. I sit up a little straighter, and I exam my surrounding a little more. I sit in a car longer or walk faster to avoid this trigger. Trauma Bonding.

This moment In time has left me hating myself for wanting what he didn’t do that day, and I can’t bear to be near him as I can see a version of the man I loved, but the light is gone. The man before me isn’t the same, and I am mad that he didn’t pull the trigger. The secret that keeps me sick is I wish he would have pulled that trigger. 

Do you know what it’s like to have the person you love do this and then walk away and try to deny to you it happened? Try to convince you that he left because you got physical with him, which yes I sat on top of him, placed his head in my hands, shook his face, and said. “Why can’t you see what’s right in front of your face” a moment he asked me to get off, and the fear of him shooting himself stopped me from complying, and I was left with bruises on my arms as he removed me. 

I was angry with the man who didn’t have the guts to pull the trigger, and if I tried to talk about it after he left, he would say the words to me. “I don’t know what you are talking about like I was just crazy and imagined it or made it all up. As if it wasn’t real.  

If you can relate to this for any reason and I honestly hope that you can’t and never will. I’m so sorry. No one should know the pain of betrayal. It shatters you to your core. The pain is indescribable. You may never be the same. Life changes all of us in many ways – good and evil. I’m different now. More guarded, less trusting, and I cry all the flipping time, which annoys me to no end. I am trying hard even on this day with this trigger, trying to not let fear creep back in, a daily battle that I mostly lose. 

I was given this gift of writing to help me heal from the abuse, infidelity, that D-word I won’t use. 
I found this poem and loved it. 

Secrets
Incapacitate me.
I question
My identity.
Reoccurring dream
Paralyzes me.
Covers pulled off
Anonymously.
Goosebumps.
What could that be?
Shame.
Denigrates me.
Shh….It’s a secret.
Threats.
Gag my liberty.
Years.
Spent in therapy.
Truth.
Parades for all to see.
No longer
Is it a secret

author unknown

Don’t let your secrets keep you stuck, I mean who am I to talk as I still try and stuff this secret down, wishing this wasn’t my life, hoping for the life back the happy me, she is gone I have yet to find her I am hopeful as I stay close to the lord he will help me find her or at least help me live. 

STAGE 1 DENIAL

Before I thought I knew what grief was. I had experienced grief at age 13 when both my grandparents passed in a matter of 2 months diabetes and a heart attack. Then at 24 when my dad passed away from cancer. I had heard many talk about it at 14. I didn’t understand much; at 24, it was difficult to understand. At 40, I got a better understanding of what grief really is. I am no way an expert on this; I have muddled my way through many different emotions. I've learned and can recognize what creates my depression, anxiety, sorrow.  

I have learned a lot about the five stages of grief. 

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression 
• acceptance 

But what you learn is that at any moment, you can experience one or several of these. Not everyone experiences them all. But these are the most common, according to experts. 

 Clearly, I was in denial from the moment I got that 1st message about the affair. I lived in that denial for months, and I believed every lie he continued to tell. I was in denial that day he would choose to hold that gun to my head, the day he walked away. I was numb and in shock. Looking back, I honestly couldn't grasp the concept that my husband would do any of the things people were telling me he had done. 

What I would learn was that denial and shock helpd me to cope and made survival possible. It was nature’s way of only letting in bits and pieces, only small pieces that I could handle until it all was dumped in my lap. I lived in that denial and also was full of a ton of hope that this wasn’t the end of it all. 

I still remember the feeling I had the morning I woke up to mediation, and that day would be a fight with so many emotions. 

Just remember you never have and will never stop climbing, and God will never and has never left you alone.  There will definitely be times when you can't do it alone, but he has a rope waiting to throw down to you.  That rope will come in many different ways and through many different people, but it will come.  

https://thebrainypoetcorner.blogspot.com/2008/06/after-all-we-can-do_10.html

I remember receiving this message that morning and sitting on my stairs sobbing. Sobbing and feeling fear. I didn’t have the strength that day, but others were cheering me on. 

My denial period was over. 

I couldn’t pretend my husband hadn’t had an affair, that he hadn’t left, that he wasn’t living with the “rumor” that lost him his career. 

Because today I was going to walk into a building and it was all going to be talked about divided up no more denial. 
My name was going to be attached to documents that were public records and I can promise you this grief would do a number on me. Strangers weren’t going to know the love I had for this man or everything we knew about each other and shared and they weren’t going to care; they get paid to end what you hold sacred. They would only know that all that died. It was an excruciating thing to come to terms with. This day is the reason I can’t and won’t use the D-word. No, not the swear word the one that ends a marriage. Over the last 2 years since this day finalized it with an email informing me, it was submitted and signed by the judge. I have heard many people talking about my denial, my grief; everyone who hasn’t lived this situation is an expert. I heard the when will she realize, or does she realize, let go, move on! 

What a journey and battle this has been since that denial phase of grief. I can see the many blessings of the denial stage now, because when it was really over when the pain hit.

 The pain was INDESCRIBABLE and DEBILITATING. If you recognize someone in this stage just HUG them. 

March 2018 Discovery

March 2019 it’s Final

March 2020 Covid

March 2021???

The rollercoaster of emotions suddenly, unexpectedly hitting you smack dab in the heart. It leaves you feeling exhausted and downright confused—that reminder of the cruel words of the past. Just when you think you are pretty stable, all it takes is a message to slam you back into the wall frozen with fear. 

What if that pain I have come to know that familiar gut-wrenching pain I have come to know so well over the last 36 months. It started with a social media message.  I received one the other day that rush of pain the words from the past hurt. I was in an okay space, and now... I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to move. My eating habits crap! Last night my pillowcase soaked with tears. My head hurts from thinking and overthinking. That familiar panicked feeling I have learned to control, threatening to take control. Yep, it still hurts; the wound isn’t healed, and it didn’t take much to rip the scab off and have it bleed again. The trigger of an Instagram message!  How stupid, right? The deception of other actions and the timing all slamming me back into that heartbreak.

These are the questions my mind will ask, and my heart will feel more often than I want, more often than I can control, I do the work, I fight the fight, but on the days I lose, I lose big! 

Why was this an option?How could he?I don’t understand?Why wasn’t I ENOUGH?I can’t do this anymore...It’s never going to feel okay...I don’t want to do this work anymore... This is now my life...I hate it...
There it is, the truth after 36 months, betrayal is painful, no matter the details of it. The words and thoughts ripping through like a razor blade cutting you from the inside. You wake to wish you could go back and freeze a moment in time, wishing this damage had never been done, the damage you are now left with and responsible for healing. The pain and sadness make you want to run, but I have been told the pain will follow me; the only choice is to heal it. 
I think to myself, it official the day you have all been watching and waiting for the day I lose it... I keep repeating breath, just breath, but it seems too torturous to even do that. 

I mean, how attractive is grief? One step forward, 10 steps back... (sigh) am I going to fall back into that darkness and be lost forever? Will I step into the light and finally leave it all behind me? When the devil knocks... yep, I listen, I listen to the words it’s too hard I am done, I listen to the words it exhausting just give up. I listen to you wasn’t enough. You will never be enough. What the heck is happening? Why are these feelings I have felt with the darkest days surfacing again? What you are not prepared for is how utterly exhausting it is. I have so many tools I have been given in therapy, bug moments where I am taken back to a place where I forget it all, I forget all the work I have done and all the steps forward I have made. This is where I am a ball bouncing back and forth from dark to light. It sucks, and it’s work, and it’s exhausting. Trauma, post infidelity trauma. The work to getting unstuck, no point in wishing it didn’t happen because the reality it did, wishing only brings the pain, and then I prefer to run from that pain, I don’t want to sit in it, I am not ready to at the moment. Because I can’t do one darn thing about that wound that I have learned will stay with me, the one that won’t heal. That’s what it is an inner wound nobody can see, but it’s there, and that’s what it is; nothing can be done about it. This is my reality! 

Say it out loud, yep, therapy tool. The joys of therapy! 

He cheatedHe did it You can’t wish it away.There is nothing you can do to change it.It hurts

Every toxic bit of it was real.The fall out of the trauma is this, every day is a battle nobody sees, nobody feels it, and dang sure nobody but you can fix it. Truth statements, it was abuse.  I remember that moment I had to repeat these words; I couldn’t say them because no was I someone who would ever stand for abuse, but what happened to me was abuse. Pain from that abuse has caused trauma that knows no age; it’s like it was yesterday in your brain like it's happening now. Pain and its superpower Here I stand or rather lay in my bed trying to find a positive ending for this post, and guess what happened? It was sent to me by a friend, the perfect ending to a messed up life.Yesterday, my inner child spoke to me because all I wanted to do was pack a bag and take off, you know like you did as a kid when you threatened to run away. I said to a friend, you think anyone will notice if I pack a bag, and I start walking down the road dragging a bag and a blanket. Will anyone come after me? So I guess I crawl... and keep moving forward!

Thank you, you know who you are. 

BEFORE YOU CHEAT

Before you cheat, know this:

You will break her. You will not just break her heart. You will break her trust. You will break her spirit. You will break her joy. You will break her belief in love. You will break her sense of self.

Before you cheat, know this: 

She will not sleep—not through the night, as she wakes from a nightmare at 3 am, seeking answers from God. She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t stomach her reality or the thoughts of texts and images that haunt the corners of her mind. She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore.

Before you cheat, know this: 

It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough to keep me faithful.” It will teach her to hear “You are smart,” as “but not smart enough.” It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough to be with just you.” It will teach her to hear “You are enough,” as “but you are still not good enough to satisfy me.”

Before you cheat, know this: 

She will cry. She will curl into a ball on her bedroom floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—and not be able to stand up. She will sob in the shower thinking nobody can here her tears in there. She will get a lump in her throat anytime she drives past places that used to be yours until she decides to avoid these places entirely. She will rage. She will get irritated at friends and family for no apparent reason at all. She will curse at her reflection as she’s brushing her teeth, and think if only she were prettier, funnier, smarter, sexier—if only she were more, it would have made a difference. She will throw a picture frame at the wall and be too dumbfounded to pick up the pieces. She will scream by herself in her car, wondering what she did to deserve this, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—anyone—who can tell her. She will not feel. She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful heart had not known to be possible. And then she will feel everything at once. She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disillusioned, distraught, unimportant, insignificant—she will feel confused and betrayed. She will feel foolish and full of fear. She will feel hate—toward you, toward the other women, toward herself. She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, yet wants and tries to let go.

Before you cheat, know this: 

She believed in you. Oh, how she believed in you. She believed in romance. She believed in honesty—and being honest with the one you love so much! She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being lied to, cheated on, nor played a fool. She believed in goodness—and that being good meant working on being good together, even when it was not easy to do. She believed you would protect her—and that being protected did not mean hiding the truth. She believed in you—and that believing in you, believing in each other, meant the mutual support of a two-person team through the ups, downs and everything in between.

Before you cheat, know this: 

These are all avoidable. You have a choice. You can choose to walk away. You can choose to let her leave, on her own. You can give her a choice.

But if you cheat, know this:

 You will break her, but she will grow back eventually stronger. You will dim her light, but she will shine more brightly. You will lower her expectations, but she will raise her standards. You will cause her to hate, but she will find relief, calm, her inner beauty, she will begin to see SHE IS ENOUGH. You will make her question her sanity, but she will learn to trust her own intuition and her heart better than before. You will crush her ideas of love, but she will never settle again. You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her. 

1000 Days

If I could find that one thing to stop time to prevent this pain from happing, I would search the end of the earth, I would spend all my time doing so.

The truth is that it’s been 1,000 days, 24,000 hours, 1,440,000 minutes, 86,400,000 seconds since the events that blew up my happy, content life. The joys of therapy homework. The therapist asked me to think long and hard about what scares me; I wrote this. If I could find that one thing I did, you know, that thing that “pushed him to cheat more like 20 times,” yes, his words in the end! I am not sure if he said it to be cruel or just another of his lies? Either way, 1 or 20, what differences should it make? The sting from the lies, disrespect, cheating, all damage that may never fully heal.  Maybe it’s the comment “you are a terrible mother,” or “I was always the better parent.” These are the things that I am scared of, you know, the ones that made this happen!  I am scared, I don’t trust, this action, this choice has made my world small, I don’t feel safe. I think that if I knew what it was, what I did to make my husband cheat on me over and over again, maybe just maybe I could live life again and not fear it. 

The reply I got was, you have got to stop trying to rush your healing. This traumatic event in your life happened; it was devastating because you thought you had a loving, happy marriage. I want you to put that down, I want you to remember this... 

Because of your husband's betrayal and choices, you are experiencing a roller coaster of emotions that no wife should ever have to experience in her lifetime, and this has impacted you significantly.

You need to have feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and grief requires a compassionate response from someone who will not blame you for your husband's behaviors. Oh yes, they are out there, the ones that say “there are two sides to every story.” 

This isn’t you. You won’t find that thing no matter how hard and how long you search. You neither asked nor deserved what was done to you. That thing you are scared of? Is him. He could have protected you, and he chose not to. 

I have been sifting through the rubble, trying to find all the memories, the beauty of my life I lived, and I struggle because I can’t find it among the ashes. I keep returning to that ash pile, trying to find that one piece that explains it all. I don’t find is the person I used to be; she is burned among the ashes. It’s hard to look at the pile of ashes, the ones that I never would burn, the ones I didn’t burn to the ground, even harder sifting through them. 

I DID feel when something was wrong; I felt it in my heart 1,000 days ago. I knew something was wrong, but I had the softest kindest voice reassuring me nothing was wrong. Telling me, he knew he was one of if not the only reason I felt that way. That he loved me so much and would never hurt me like that again. 

Looking at those ashes, how does one look you in the face and lie so easily? I search for the answers as to why my loving marriage is now a pile of ashes. The truth is I can’t find that answer either.

You know what people don’t tell you? What others don’t talk about the pain associated with cheating and the words that haunt you after they were spoken, the ones that creep up, the ones that scare you into looking for that one thing that caused all this pain so that you never do it again, it rips your sense of self away. You are left trying to figure out what was real and what was fake. It destroys your trust, your perception, you doubt your own judgment because, how just HOW could I have been so blind not to see the affair with the neighbor. How did I not know? 

Maybe love is blind.

I mean, I am a smart girl, or so I thought, now I doubt every thought that comes, I second guess every decision, I doubt the truth, and I doubt the lie. Because I lived the biggest lie of them all. The life that was full of life and love. 

Don’t rush the healing, they say; well, have you spent 1,000 days feeling so broken, looking for yourself in a pile of ashes?

Maybe she has blown away with the wind, maybe she lays at the bottom of that rubble that someone deliberately lit the match, tossed it, and then walked away because they cared so little, that they didn’t look back but started a new life because they knew they had just torched the old one? 

Except they didn’t tell you that they even lit the match so that you could run, they left you standing in that fire in a fog, and when the smoke cleared, it was too late to save yourself.

What I didn’t realize was Although I couldn’t save myself, the lord was about to place some of the most amazing people in my life, the ones that would save me from myself, the ones that would bring light in all the darkness. These people loved me when I wasn’t very lovable when I was, in fact, a pile of rubble. I am not sure why? I also questioned why he would send me so many wonderful people to hold it together while I was. The best I can come up with is a 23-19 (monster inc). I was that 23-19 that object that everyone was whispering about that everyone was looking at the one that some, including many that I loved, were ignoring. Through this writing gift, I have found others with similar stories. I have met so many that are searching the ashes for themselves also. In the last 1,000 days, I have been forced to put down that perfect perfection and just be real and honest and live in my truth. This is my hard truth. My life isn’t where I thought it would be, this isn’t the story I want to be told, this isn’t how I envisioned it would be; letting go of that dream has been hard; no, it’s been excruciating because it was the life I wanted. This experience changed me, and letting go of that nieve me is hard also. 1,000 days, and I still want to wake up from this nightmare. I have made it 1,000 days because of the amazing people surrounding me and living in my truth. 

With These Rings

I still remember this date. August 18, 2018! I had just witnessed days prior, the nightmare of my own life. I couldn’t deny it, I tried, but it was burned into my heart and my head—no going back. I remember praying to give up. I had already tried 6 days before this. I had full intentions.

I prayed for days Lord stop pushing me. I am pretty sure I had a complete and utter nervous breakdown. It's the only way I can describe my life. 

I grabbed a photo of us and our rings, and into the temple, I went because I would get a different answer; I was sure of it.  I mean, how could the lord make me endure what I had seen days prior. I was going to pray to give up on you. I was going to ask the lord if it was okay to quit. I was tired of enduring, and I was tired of feeling so shattered.

I begged, and I pleaded. I wore our rings around my neck and placed a picture of us in my pocket, and I was there to ask the lord if it was okay to Quit on all of it. 

As I sat in that celestial room for hours, I couldn’t force the answer; it's the reason I was there; I was sure of it.  I wanted it; it wouldn’t come. The only answers that were there were my child don’t you give up on yourself, he knew what was in my heart and what I had done. Then the tears fell, and the guilt came. The next words, don’t give up on him! I always tried to find a corner so that I could be less noticed. I had my pocket full of tissues. I was utterly exhausted, and I came to bargain with the lord to quit. Endure was always the answer. ENDURE what?  that was the question.

Maybe if I had known then what was in store for the next few years, I would have not listened to the spirit that day, and I would have made my own choice. 

I learned that sometimes the Lord keeps pushing you because he isn’t ready to give up yet, so he won’t allow you to. I learned that no matter what, everyone has their free agency. At times I knew the lord had the power to fix it, but he will always give you your free agency. I knew I had loved ones that had crossed over close by. I knew they were helping me, holding me, and encouraging me. I was a mess, and he sent people to help me, to love me, and to hold me in all my mess. Because let’s face it, I was an utter walking disaster most day. I think I spent hours sitting in the celestial room. I remember praying when I walked out, for my world would be different. That my life could go back to the way, it was. How would I describe my life before I suspected before the truth started trickling out?

Happy, Healthy, Full of Joy laughter, and LOVE. That is a truth I can speak on. That is the only truth I can remember. That life went from Light to Darkness. Like the game of Jenga, you remove one piece, and you still have a stable foundation, but as you continue to remove another and another, pretty soon it’s tipsy, and then one day because you didn’t push when you felt it or speak up sooner the whole thing toppled down. 

I wish I could say to all of you who continue to read that piece by piece, I have put it all back together. I have tried repeatedly, then something comes along, and yanks just the right piece out, and it comes toppling over again. What’s at the base, you ask? The Lord. He is at the bottoms pushing me to stand back out and pushing me through another day. Then it’s the faces of the 3 amazing spirits the Lord entrusted me with that make me fight a little harder to be better do better to survive, not for myself but for them! I wish I could say that when the Devil knocks that I never listen. But there are days. Early on, when I was Spiraling out of control, my therapist gave me an exercise that I could do to help remind me. I would either grab my arm and squeeze it very tightly or place a hand over my heart to remind me of reality. The last few weeks have been rough, and I have started to do it again.  I looked down and kinda chuckled to myself because it had been a while since I noticed that I was doing it.  I do it when words trigger me or when actions do. I use to do it to stop my heart from falling out of my chest because that’s what it felt like now; it reminds me of how far I have come, and it helps calm the storm. The one raging inside me, spinning me out of control, The Grounding Technique I learned in therapy. I remeber when I thought there is no way I can do this alone I cant, I am not strong enought i dont have that kind of power and I was sent this quote. 

Its still something I whole heartldy belive in. 

Abandoned

Marriage is a lifetime commitment; it’s the giving yourself to another. 

Maybe the world knows this about infidelity. I, however, was so clueless as to how it felt to be abandoned, to be traded in. I often wished for death after this moment because, at least in death, there was no choice; it wasn’t a choice to leave.

In this abandonment, a choice was made.

Guess what I gained from that choice.  

Trust issues, self-esteem issues, sleep problems. 

The words you were never sensitive to that now when said, you place your hand on your chest to prevent the shattered pieces of your heart from spilling all over the floor. 

I became a case number for a lawyer, a date on the calendar for a mediator. The petitioner, in that case, filed in the system. A judge you have no say in, it’s like Russian Rullett, my fate was now in the hands of a stranger. No risk, no big deal; it’s just the rest of your life, and the judge won’t care about adultery. 

Without being unkind about attorney’s but do they have your best interest, it’s a business, and it makes them a lot of $$$, it’s common practice for them to end something that You hold very sacred. This was about to affect every area of my life for the rest of my life, and I was going to have to fight for it.

I remember the day I was given the number and that he was expecting my call. It took me 3 days to work up the courage to do so. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I did need some advice on what I could do going forward about finances. So I dialed the number, and I pressed send my heart was pounding, the hello came, and I said my name and said I was told to contact you for some legal advice. The words that came next surprised me. “I have a conflict of interest.” My shocked voice said OH. He explained why and I knew he knew the other half’s side to the story as he had defended the other party involved. I said well, I guess you know me and also some of my story. He said as long as you understand that I know this, we can go forward if you choose. 

I agreed. I explained that I was in serious trouble with finances as I had not received much up to this point, and I was worried about how I was going to pay my bills; he told me to just not to pay them if I couldn’t. I knew at the end of this my credit needed to be okay also, so I told him that wasn’t an option I was willing to take, and what were my other choices; he gave me some information, and I thanked him, and he said can I give you some additional advice? I said, sure. He said "protect yourself and file" matter of factly he said that’s where I see this going. A lump in my throat and tears started to stream down my face; I said, right now, I don’t feel like that the direction, I am supposed to go at this time.  He said okay, let me know when you are ready.

I hung up, and I said under my breath, NEVER.

But he was right; it’s precisely where it headed. That D words that ends it all. I remembered the day I had my 1st consult, and by consult, I mean not the free phone call but an actual come sit in my office, but you will need to bring a hearty retainer to do so. 

I prayed all day that if this wasn’t what the Lord wanted to, please allow something to happen so that I couldn’t make the meeting, and then you know what I did. 

I waited for something to happen, so I wouldn’t have to actually go meet with a lawyer to pay him to end what I never wanted to end. 

Guess what? As the clock ticked by and as it got closer, nothing happened, and so I refused to park at the office. I parked down the street and walked a slow, painful, dreaded walk. 

Have you ever had to make one of those walks the one you have to make because your husband is now living with his girlfriend, and everyone knows it walks? Let me tell you about the walk of shame.

It’s rejection

It’s abandonment 

It is walking into a stranger's office forced to tell what happened and pay him for it. I never wanted this, I say to him and his words, let me tell you they are paid to say all sorts of amazing things you don’t want to hear, and it’s your money. He came highly recommended, and so there I sat with this stranger giving him my debt the details of my life I didn’t share, but he required me to give it all.

Then he said do you have any proof for adultery because Utah is a fault state. I said I do, the office has a tape. What came out of his mouth next was, “good, I am glad you know about the tape.” That was the moment I realized my attorney knew a lot more about my situation. I said, wait, you heard the tape. He said I have, as you remember me telling you about defending the other party in a matter. I had forgotten entirely as this conversation happened almost a month prior, and heck at this point, I couldn’t remember my name most days. 

He asked me what I wanted, and I said, you want an honest answer?

I said I don’t believe God is okay with this divorce, I said I have battled this all day, and I want to just be fair. He said my job is to make it suitable for you. I signed the papers, and I walked out, defeated. I now sat with paperwork to end my marriage, but let’s be honest for him, it was over the moment he walked out of our home and again the day he able to moved in with someone else while married to me. No weight had been lifted, I didn’t feel better, my heart was in pieces, and you know what I thought? Maybe this will be the slap in the face he said he needed. This will make him realize he is losing me. How sick and twisted is that? My husband is living with his girlfriend, and I still want to fight for him. 

The following week I had just walked into my therapist's office, and my phone rang. I looked at her and said I am answering on speaker. I knew I couldn’t tell her this info without sobbing, but I could him. I said I agree with your council’s, and after realizing he is living with her, I want it to be Suitable for me. He said okay, I will make the adjustments I see fit and hung up.  She looked at me and said, oh my! That was it for me. I crumbled, I placed my hands on my chest, and I knew I couldn’t prevent the shattered pieces from spilling all over her floor. I sat there sobbing and hyperventilating, snot and tears running down my face. She said this is a new development. I said yes, I spoke with the lawyer and I didn’t want to, but what choice do I have? He lives with her; my husband is living with his girlfriend, you know, the one he denied having an affair with for the last 7 months. Oh ya, she’s real, and he is living with her. She said, what do you want? I said, not this, but how do I show my kids the mother that allowed her husband to live with his girlfriend and does nothing about it? How do I let this be okay? She said this isn’t okay; there isn’t a thing about it that’s okay? She said, do the kids know? I said yes they saw the cars there as we went to clean. 

I said I can’t understand? Help me understand. I said, now what? I told her God Hates divorce? 

Her words, God isn’t going to ask you if your husband loved you; he is going to ask you if you loved him?  I know your answer. I see it every time you come In. So what do I do? I asked? She said, you wait? Hell on Earth!

 This is when all the flashbacks, all the trauma indeed came to the surface; this is when I lost me, this is when the trauma stated to the surface, and this is where I compete lost it; this is where I knew God was real, this is where I pleaded with him to be wrong to let me wake up from this nightmare. to not abandon me too

I felt alone, angry because nothing was working out, and the madness just kept coming. That road wasn’t paved, and others have walked it; some have run it, but it not the same for any of us. What this looks like for the one living it is not going to be the same for you or me. It’s not just the D-word or just this simple. It every waking moment, it every decision that has to be made, and the aftermath of that choice it’s what you suffer after the dust settles from that unpaved road with small pieces oh hearts you know you can’t pick up because they belong to the many that have had to walk the path before you. It the pieces you leave as you know, there will be ones to follow, and I can promise you this and maybe plead with you. If you are reading this and you are thinking about cheating, think of the aftermath, the part you won't have to hear or see when you walk away. The struggle with betrayal trauma, motherhood, trust, vulnerability. If you are considering it or doing it, I ask you to remember this. One simple action can and will completely alter someone's life. Think of the pieces of their heart-shattering on the floor. How they will feel totally abandoned.