Curve Balls

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Curve Balls

You can see the softball coming out in me even back then. after working for 8 months on the latest infidelity.

What was now in the past but was still having an affect on me. I wish I could go back and tell this girl to get some help. I wish I could tell her what was waiting for her in the future. I wish I could protect her from the next curve ball. 

I keep looking in that past wondering if there was something I missed, something I didn’t see.

 Was I that out of touch at what my life was?

 Was I just that blinded by love and trusted the person I no doubt wanted to spend eternity with? 

Could I have stoped what was coming? 

As I read back my heart breaks all over again for the love that I freely gave and forgiveness that I worked so hard to find.

2012 me moving on, forgiving and building what I thought was such an amazing life. Posting on my family blog. 

So it's been awhile since I have even been on this thing. I found 2 posts I started and never finished so I posted them anyway. How time slips away.

 My excuse of not blogging stems from my,  if you don't have anything good to talk about.  Life is not all about the good! Sometimes life throws you curve balls. I can choose to foul it off and wait for a better pitch or I can watch it go by and hope it’s not called a strike. What I learned form 2011 I hated most of it. life threw me a curve ball and I had to make a choice to foul it off or stand there and strike out. I was determined to get a better pitch and realized just what was important to me and that was my eternal family. I would do anything for any of them and I would keep fouling off the curve balls to ensure that better pitch. They were the one and only thing that mattered to the lord and to me. I learned that in life things indeed happen for a reason and people come into your life and bless it! That curve balls are thrown to people everyday and it's how you choose to move forward! I am moving forward and forgetting the past forgiving because it takes a lot more energy to hate! I just hope I never have another 2011.

I guess if need be, I will just not let it define me as a half empty kind of person. So for posting its going to happen more often because my life is not perfect and it has it's ups and downs and when my grandchildren read this maybe they will see the good and the bad and realize that you are able to carry on despite the curve balls!

 Let's just hope I can keep this attitude the next time I receive a curve ball. There is no curve ball that the two of us with the lords help can’t overcome. He will deliver that better pitch. 

Cracked Pot

 I had been praying for the words to write next. Judging myself like so many others. 

I had asked the lord if he wants me to share he was going to have to give me the words to write.

I fasted this morning, because I could use some extra help with the next coming weeks. Let me just say therapy is rough and healing actually hurts and I want to quite, give up because living the past hurts. 

As I sat in sacrament today, The speaker started talking about the past him and there it was my answer. The still small voice saying you have already written the words.

I have hundreds of words written, journals, notes saved in my phone.

I thought great I guess I will be doing some reading when I get home. 

Some of these words I still can’t even make myself re-read because they are so painful. This was written by me back in March 2013.

I started questioning if I am healthy?

 Body, mind, and spirit! The answer to that question in my life has had so many ups and downs. There has been a time when physically I have been in the best shape of my life, I could not keep up with working out twice a day for an hour so I have slacked on that! 2 years ago I think spiritually I was at an all-time high until that curve ball hit ( me speaking of the affair with A from Carbon County) I am not sure that I have ever fully recovered.  my mind,  that who knows, I have never been top of my class I got good grades and graduated with honors but I had to work my butt off for that and I think the older I get the worse I am. I am not sure that I will ever be smart! 

The mind that is a funny thing I have some serious insomnia and the things that my mind can conjure up, its not always good.  Let just say I am getting older and my priorities have changed, things have been really annoy me lately so I have been doing a lot of reading and searching and I have come up with a few things. 

First I may or may not have been upset with the lord ( I will be more honest then 2013 me, I was furious with the lord.)  Sounds so stupid I know but it’s that grudge holding I do that I am not proud of. 

I know you can’t get help without asking but you know what there was a point that I asked, I prayed for the lord to protect me from this happening again and probably may have even begged... alright I did! 

 The anger for not getting the result I wanted, Instead of the results that were best for me. The ones that would help me learn and grow! I have been stuck because of this. I did come up with all of this in my insomnia so I have to be grateful for insomnia even just a little.

This is what I have found in my search for answers it really gave me a new perspective.
There’s an old story about two pots. One was perfect in every way. The other had cracks and broken places. Each day a woman filled the pots with rainwater she collected and then carried them down the path to her home. The first pot felt proud that it never spilled a single drop. The other felt ashamed because no matter how hard she tried, she lost a lot along the way. One day the two pots overheard the woman talking with someone who lived nearby. The neighbor exclaimed, “The flowers along your path are so beautiful! What’s your secret?” The woman answered, “One of my pots is broken and the water that spills out helps the flowers grow every day.”
He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our sins, the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. As I pause and considere a new perspective on how my hurt begain. I realized that through Christ’s wounds we are healed and because He lives in us, our wounds can bring healing to others too.
We think that we have to take what’s broken and make it perfect in order to be used by God and bless others. But God thinks in a completely different way. He took what was perfect, His Son, and made Him broken in order to bring us healing. So if you’re sitting there wondering if God can use you because your life is not as it should be, and your heart is aching know that your greatest hurt will probably be your greatest blessing.

Some people in your life need to see your broken places more than your victories. We’re all like the second pot in the story. Our “April showers” can truly lead to “May flowers” because God sees purpose in our brokenness even when we don’t, and He can use it to bring forth beauty that blesses those around us. 

I bare testimony that this is true. I have seen it with my own eyes I am just sometimes too stubborn to admit it. I hope that I can continue with my forward progress and I will no longer be stuck. I hope I will be able to enjoy my own "April showers and "May flowers in life.

 My favorite flowers!

That is what I did I healed and I forgave and I believe every word when he said how sorry he was and that he believed it made us better happier people with a better marriage. 

The next few posts will be from my private family blog what I wrote about healing and loving and moving forward in my happy life that I had no idea was a lie. 

  

            Through the broken cracks.  

             God heals broken pieces.  

     Let His Light shine to comfort others.

God wanted me to share then and because of shame and fear I was scared.

Now I hope to comfort others with the comfort god has give me. 

Listen

Have you ever had one of those out of body experiences? I am talking about saying and doing things you never in you life have before? That moment when something else takes over and your cant and don't think clear and all logic goes completely out the window?  something else takes over entirely?

I am not sure if that something else is shock, trama, adrenalin PTSD. Your mind has shuts down from lack of sleep, lack of food and water, lack of safety. 

Yes this has happened to me, I am blunt, say what and how I feel. This far exceeded that! 

Truly that is how I felt for months like I had completely and totally lost it! I could not control anything around me. I had lost the ability to think or function in daily life. 

I hadn’t been making any wise choices I was just trying to make it through the day and trying to find anything to numb that pain. 

This night I was at home reading and the feeling, unsettled feeling. The first time I heard it go, I brushed it aside,  the lord wanted to help me I questioned after all the bad choices I was making. There it was the still small voice speaking to me and I ignored it. Granted this is 11:00 at night. Then again get up, GO! This time the hair stood on the back of my neck and I knew I couldn’t ignore it. 

I got up and left I didn’t say a word to anyone. I can even still remember what I was wearing cut off teal sweats with paint on them and a black youth volleyball shirt. I got in my car and headed in the direction I know the lord wanted me to go without knowing the reason. Something is wrong and every part of me can sense it. The lord is helping me even after I have made a mess of myself and all my stupid choices trying to numb the pain of my husband abandoning me.  

I drive down the lane and discover a car parked below still running and someone inside. I at first don't think of this as odd until I turn my car around and I can tell it’s a female sitting in the drivers seat the house is dark not a light on. I park get out and head for the door of the house. This is when it happens the car comes speeding past almost hitting my car in the process.  Standing on the poarch stunned for a moment I turn around run to my car and I follow. I know in my gut this is the girl, you know the one he isn’t talking to. He has been gone for 3 weeks and has been living in his grandparents house for 4 days. 

I call him and no answer,  I then call that stupid password protected phone, yep no answer either. 

I am losing it with ever passing second, and every call I make that is being ignored. I can’t even think straight. 

I then call the girl, she won’t answer either. The next phone call would be to someone I think knows what she drives. The only thing I remember from the conversation is this.   “Don’t do anything that you will go to jail for.”

I planed to follow that car and I didn’t  care how long it took or where it stoped.   I was going to have a face to face conversation with A from Carbon County! 

10 minutes later my phone rings and I say to my husband,  I am following a car that just left your grandparents house. I have tried calling you multiply times, thanks for ignoring me. He said oh I was asleep and didn’t hear my phone ring. 

This angers me because I know it’s a lie, I tell him, put me on speaker and you use your other phone on speaker call the office and run the plate for me. I already know who it’s going to come back to.  I wasn’t about to let him lie his way out of this one. 

Well what do you know... Sure enough I was indeed nagged for a reason to get up and go! He says I had no idea, stupid must be written on my forehead. You have lived there for 4 days and she knows where it is? Yep not stupid enough to buy that lie. I tell him he might as well contact her and let her know I will be following her. I am angry at him for yet again lying to me, when I am following the proof. 

Finally after following for 30 mins driver finally pulls over! 

I jump out and the voice in the back of my head repeats,  don't do anything that is going to land you in jail it's not worth it.  I won't say that I don't wish even years later that I would have. 

That voice kept me from doing so, but my mouth would not stop it just kept opening and the stuff that was coming out shock even me, not enough to stop. It was as time slowed down, like I was standing there watching this incident not actually participating. 

 I won't repeat anything that was said, most of it wasn’t kind or Christ like at all. 

She lied, because that’s what cheaters do they lie. I told her I knew where she lived and was prepared to tell her husband she begged me not to and I got in my car and drove away. 

His game was up whatever lies he was telling her she now knew the truth. I knew the truth and all he could do was lie. 

I met with him in the wee hours of August 6th, 2011

He promised nothing had happened and was glad the lord had sent me, that the girl was crazy and must be stalking him. How bad I wanted to believe his words, but I knew they were not true she had told me he told her were he lived. I told him this and he said are we going to keep fighting about the past or move forward. I had to make a choice that night what I wanted, I had to also set boundaries. I would say a silent pray to the lord to help me and knew he had sent me here for a reason. He would spend weeks telling and proving that this is exactly what he wanted and how sorry he was. 

This post was so hard for me to even re-read knowing what if I hadn’t listen to that still small voice that night. Looking back I know the lord sent me. He warned me of danger and had placed me in that path for a reason.  I know I could have just ignored that still small voice. I am still trying to piece it all together now.  Reading the past I know I loved a man unconditionally!  I was never returned that love. I forgave him and gave him my heart again and again, I trusted his words that this would never happen again. He made promises that stupid me actually believed with all of me that he would never break. 

My trust and unconditional love handed him that bullet to shatter my soul. 

 

        

Take his hand

Here is the ugly truth the vulnerable moments of truth. I have put off converting this because this last few weeks have been rough. I didn’t want to live the words I wrote after this night and share another of my failures. 

Share that’s the message I have been sent multiply times this last week and again today. There it was black and white for me to read the page full of words and these ones jumping off the paper. 

SHARE!

I was as angry, so very angry that here I was again after, forgiving, creating a happy joyful life and moving forward, being happy, HAVING PEACE.

 I was angry and guess who I was going to take it out on?  The lord!  I was going to show him just how angry I was at him, because I knew he had the power to prevent it. Why would he let this happen again? Why would I have to live this nightmare again? This time it wasn’t my friend, this time it was a stranger, some random person who wasn’t part of our lives. That knife in my back, pushed so deep it was stabbing me in the heart.

That anger was all Satan needed, he would reach out his hand and  I would make the choice to take it. That choice would lead me down a path of destruction, a path of seeking, a path of danger. 

My anger at the lord was because I thought we were doing good, that we had moved on and were great.  He had just stood the month before and bore his testimony in sacrament and we had been attending the temple every month and now this?  Why did I have to live this again? The damage that was done last time. He knew what I had to overcome, the demons that I fought, self esteem issues, insecurity, anxiety fear. 

I was angry for the lord letting me be happy if he were just going to take it all away.

The night he left, that was the night I would lose a pieces of me, the shatter pieces that would change me and not for the better.

I let all my rage out at the lord.

I didn’t realize how hard Satan was working on me and I actually didn’t care. 

I just wanted this pain to go away and I was about to do anything to make it.

I stared abusing my anti depressants and my sleeping pills because they would make me numb, I could use them to numb the pain, I could not feel and that’s what I wanted to be

numb to not feel any of it. 

This would only last so long, I had changed medication a few times and I had a good supply. 

 I just wanted to feel nothing and I took enough to get that feeling. Then I came to realize that I couldn’t get a refill. I was going to have to find something else. One night I turned to the next best thing that I thought would numb the pain.  I decided the next best option would be alcohol, that I could get easily. Stupid me decide that was the next best option to numb the pain. 

If the lord wasn’t going to take the pain and fix it, I was going to find a way to do it myself. That is with the help of my new friend Satan. You know that great friend that swooped in to help me.  He was going to show me the way to all the options of numbing the pain. 

I went to a friends knowing they would have what I needed and I asked for them to mix me whatever would get me drunk. 

This process wouldn’t take long, I would end up passed out on the living room floor. 

I awoke to the room dark and spinning along with my stomach. I had to crawl myself to the bathroom. I knew what was going to come next. 

I can say this wasn’t the outcome I had expected it might have numbed the pain but all my numbing was about to surface. 

I was now face first in a toilet emptying my stomach content which was purely toxic liquid. 

After what seems like hours of resting my head on the toilet seat wondering if this would ever stop.

I knew I had to get home so I stumbled out that door in the wee hours of the morning not even thinking that I was probably way to intoxicated to drive. My keys were in my ignition. I started my car and drove myself home. I still wonder to this day how I ever made it home without killing myself or someone else, or at least wrecking my car and landing myself in all sorts of hot water for a DUI. Satan watching out for me that night? He had long gone off to grab the next shattered hand. He wasn’t making sure I made it home safely.

There I was spiraling out of control not even thinking of the consequences of my choices. 

A total backfire, instead of the pain feeling numb, I felt sick I would do most of my sleeping and most of the next day close to the bathroom. Nobody seemed to mind or think twice since I hadn’t left my bed much in the weeks leading up to this unless I absolutely had to.

The following day I would feel awful not only physically but mentally also.

I would receive a text from my friend asking how I was and lecturing me for driving they had no idea my keys were in my car. I remember asking why did you let me do that? They said who were we to stop you and I knew you were at least safe that you were going to find a way to do it anyway. The next question came with a snicker and made me even more angry. “How do you feel” my simple reply, awful.  I didn’t expect the next comment, GOOD I hope you do, and that you learned a lesson and will never do that again.

Why would I? The pain was still there and Now my body felt like crap. I would stick with abusing my antidepressants and stay away from the alcohol. 

I know our enemy doesn’t know all, he can’t read our minds, he can’t possess the power to have the full knowledge that God has. He observes our behavior, decisions, and knows our weaknesses. He was waiting for me to take his hand again to let him help me find a way to take the pain away and I was going to take it again. He knew how worthless I felt.  That one person that promised me the world just told me that I was worthless and not worth the fight. 

I should have stayed very aware that he had been studying me, that he could predict my responses based on my worthless sense of self . He knew what I needed and because I had taken his hand, he was going to lead me to that false numbing.

I will promise you this the enemy will use any of our shortcomings to his advantage against us, but he still does not know what God knows.

He is all knowing.

He sees all 

He knows all. 

He knows everything about us.

Every word before we say it and every thought before we think it. And He still loves us more than we could ever imagine. 

Even when we are numbing our pain with medication and alcohol.

He is the One we live for. We trust in his truth, not the hand, or the lies of the enemy.

I would live weeks in this state letting Satan convince me that he was my friend. 

That spiritual battle around me, It was hard to let go of Satans hand, he would continue to show me things that would help numb the pain. I was exhausted and wasn’t sure I had the strength to stop. 

I felt all alone then one day the messages started and I though this was my answer someone to pay attention. I was sucked in then one day I decided the numbing just wasn’t working because the attacks keep coming.

God longing for me to know His love. He is kind and merciful. 

The savior had died on the cross for all our sins and I knew that if I continued down this path that darkness I felt would consume me. I knew I had to let go of his hand he had lured me away from that light of Christ. He was fighting for my hand also but wasn’t doing it with temptations, fear, lies or manipulation but with love. 

So I did, I let go of some of my anger that had been building up for months and I let go of Satans hand. Then I asked the lord to forgive me and to help me know that He is with me. I knew he was fighting for me too, I had just turned my back in anger. 

I needed his protection from myself and from Satan. I asked him to help me stand strong. I knelt down and cried for the choice I made in my anger.

 Let his light shine from you!

Don’t let the lies of the enemy dim that light from you, because I promise you the lord will never let go of you hand but Satan will!

My Beautiful daughter drew this and it fits perfect.