Take his hand

Here is the ugly truth the vulnerable moments of truth. I have put off converting this because this last few weeks have been rough. I didn’t want to live the words I wrote after this night and share another of my failures. 

Share that’s the message I have been sent multiply times this last week and again today. There it was black and white for me to read the page full of words and these ones jumping off the paper. 

SHARE!

I was as angry, so very angry that here I was again after, forgiving, creating a happy joyful life and moving forward, being happy, HAVING PEACE.

 I was angry and guess who I was going to take it out on?  The lord!  I was going to show him just how angry I was at him, because I knew he had the power to prevent it. Why would he let this happen again? Why would I have to live this nightmare again? This time it wasn’t my friend, this time it was a stranger, some random person who wasn’t part of our lives. That knife in my back, pushed so deep it was stabbing me in the heart.

That anger was all Satan needed, he would reach out his hand and  I would make the choice to take it. That choice would lead me down a path of destruction, a path of seeking, a path of danger. 

My anger at the lord was because I thought we were doing good, that we had moved on and were great.  He had just stood the month before and bore his testimony in sacrament and we had been attending the temple every month and now this?  Why did I have to live this again? The damage that was done last time. He knew what I had to overcome, the demons that I fought, self esteem issues, insecurity, anxiety fear. 

I was angry for the lord letting me be happy if he were just going to take it all away.

The night he left, that was the night I would lose a pieces of me, the shatter pieces that would change me and not for the better.

I let all my rage out at the lord.

I didn’t realize how hard Satan was working on me and I actually didn’t care. 

I just wanted this pain to go away and I was about to do anything to make it.

I stared abusing my anti depressants and my sleeping pills because they would make me numb, I could use them to numb the pain, I could not feel and that’s what I wanted to be

numb to not feel any of it. 

This would only last so long, I had changed medication a few times and I had a good supply. 

 I just wanted to feel nothing and I took enough to get that feeling. Then I came to realize that I couldn’t get a refill. I was going to have to find something else. One night I turned to the next best thing that I thought would numb the pain.  I decided the next best option would be alcohol, that I could get easily. Stupid me decide that was the next best option to numb the pain. 

If the lord wasn’t going to take the pain and fix it, I was going to find a way to do it myself. That is with the help of my new friend Satan. You know that great friend that swooped in to help me.  He was going to show me the way to all the options of numbing the pain. 

I went to a friends knowing they would have what I needed and I asked for them to mix me whatever would get me drunk. 

This process wouldn’t take long, I would end up passed out on the living room floor. 

I awoke to the room dark and spinning along with my stomach. I had to crawl myself to the bathroom. I knew what was going to come next. 

I can say this wasn’t the outcome I had expected it might have numbed the pain but all my numbing was about to surface. 

I was now face first in a toilet emptying my stomach content which was purely toxic liquid. 

After what seems like hours of resting my head on the toilet seat wondering if this would ever stop.

I knew I had to get home so I stumbled out that door in the wee hours of the morning not even thinking that I was probably way to intoxicated to drive. My keys were in my ignition. I started my car and drove myself home. I still wonder to this day how I ever made it home without killing myself or someone else, or at least wrecking my car and landing myself in all sorts of hot water for a DUI. Satan watching out for me that night? He had long gone off to grab the next shattered hand. He wasn’t making sure I made it home safely.

There I was spiraling out of control not even thinking of the consequences of my choices. 

A total backfire, instead of the pain feeling numb, I felt sick I would do most of my sleeping and most of the next day close to the bathroom. Nobody seemed to mind or think twice since I hadn’t left my bed much in the weeks leading up to this unless I absolutely had to.

The following day I would feel awful not only physically but mentally also.

I would receive a text from my friend asking how I was and lecturing me for driving they had no idea my keys were in my car. I remember asking why did you let me do that? They said who were we to stop you and I knew you were at least safe that you were going to find a way to do it anyway. The next question came with a snicker and made me even more angry. “How do you feel” my simple reply, awful.  I didn’t expect the next comment, GOOD I hope you do, and that you learned a lesson and will never do that again.

Why would I? The pain was still there and Now my body felt like crap. I would stick with abusing my antidepressants and stay away from the alcohol. 

I know our enemy doesn’t know all, he can’t read our minds, he can’t possess the power to have the full knowledge that God has. He observes our behavior, decisions, and knows our weaknesses. He was waiting for me to take his hand again to let him help me find a way to take the pain away and I was going to take it again. He knew how worthless I felt.  That one person that promised me the world just told me that I was worthless and not worth the fight. 

I should have stayed very aware that he had been studying me, that he could predict my responses based on my worthless sense of self . He knew what I needed and because I had taken his hand, he was going to lead me to that false numbing.

I will promise you this the enemy will use any of our shortcomings to his advantage against us, but he still does not know what God knows.

He is all knowing.

He sees all 

He knows all. 

He knows everything about us.

Every word before we say it and every thought before we think it. And He still loves us more than we could ever imagine. 

Even when we are numbing our pain with medication and alcohol.

He is the One we live for. We trust in his truth, not the hand, or the lies of the enemy.

I would live weeks in this state letting Satan convince me that he was my friend. 

That spiritual battle around me, It was hard to let go of Satans hand, he would continue to show me things that would help numb the pain. I was exhausted and wasn’t sure I had the strength to stop. 

I felt all alone then one day the messages started and I though this was my answer someone to pay attention. I was sucked in then one day I decided the numbing just wasn’t working because the attacks keep coming.

God longing for me to know His love. He is kind and merciful. 

The savior had died on the cross for all our sins and I knew that if I continued down this path that darkness I felt would consume me. I knew I had to let go of his hand he had lured me away from that light of Christ. He was fighting for my hand also but wasn’t doing it with temptations, fear, lies or manipulation but with love. 

So I did, I let go of some of my anger that had been building up for months and I let go of Satans hand. Then I asked the lord to forgive me and to help me know that He is with me. I knew he was fighting for me too, I had just turned my back in anger. 

I needed his protection from myself and from Satan. I asked him to help me stand strong. I knelt down and cried for the choice I made in my anger.

 Let his light shine from you!

Don’t let the lies of the enemy dim that light from you, because I promise you the lord will never let go of you hand but Satan will!

My Beautiful daughter drew this and it fits perfect.