I am not sure if that something else is shock, trama, adrenalin PTSD. Your mind has shuts down from lack of sleep, lack of food and water, lack of safety.
Yes this has happened to me, I am blunt, say what and how I feel. This far exceeded that!
Truly that is how I felt for months like I had completely and totally lost it! I could not control anything around me. I had lost the ability to think or function in daily life.
I hadn’t been making any wise choices I was just trying to make it through the day and trying to find anything to numb that pain.
This night I was at home reading and the feeling, unsettled feeling. The first time I heard it go, I brushed it aside, the lord wanted to help me I questioned after all the bad choices I was making. There it was the still small voice speaking to me and I ignored it. Granted this is 11:00 at night. Then again get up, GO! This time the hair stood on the back of my neck and I knew I couldn’t ignore it.
I got up and left I didn’t say a word to anyone. I can even still remember what I was wearing cut off teal sweats with paint on them and a black youth volleyball shirt. I got in my car and headed in the direction I know the lord wanted me to go without knowing the reason. Something is wrong and every part of me can sense it. The lord is helping me even after I have made a mess of myself and all my stupid choices trying to numb the pain of my husband abandoning me.
I drive down the lane and discover a car parked below still running and someone inside. I at first don't think of this as odd until I turn my car around and I can tell it’s a female sitting in the drivers seat the house is dark not a light on. I park get out and head for the door of the house. This is when it happens the car comes speeding past almost hitting my car in the process. Standing on the poarch stunned for a moment I turn around run to my car and I follow. I know in my gut this is the girl, you know the one he isn’t talking to. He has been gone for 3 weeks and has been living in his grandparents house for 4 days.
I call him and no answer, I then call that stupid password protected phone, yep no answer either.
I am losing it with ever passing second, and every call I make that is being ignored. I can’t even think straight.
I then call the girl, she won’t answer either. The next phone call would be to someone I think knows what she drives. The only thing I remember from the conversation is this. “Don’t do anything that you will go to jail for.”
I planed to follow that car and I didn’t care how long it took or where it stoped. I was going to have a face to face conversation with A from Carbon County!
10 minutes later my phone rings and I say to my husband, I am following a car that just left your grandparents house. I have tried calling you multiply times, thanks for ignoring me. He said oh I was asleep and didn’t hear my phone ring.
This angers me because I know it’s a lie, I tell him, put me on speaker and you use your other phone on speaker call the office and run the plate for me. I already know who it’s going to come back to. I wasn’t about to let him lie his way out of this one.
Well what do you know... Sure enough I was indeed nagged for a reason to get up and go! He says I had no idea, stupid must be written on my forehead. You have lived there for 4 days and she knows where it is? Yep not stupid enough to buy that lie. I tell him he might as well contact her and let her know I will be following her. I am angry at him for yet again lying to me, when I am following the proof.
Finally after following for 30 mins driver finally pulls over!
I jump out and the voice in the back of my head repeats, don't do anything that is going to land you in jail it's not worth it. I won't say that I don't wish even years later that I would have.
That voice kept me from doing so, but my mouth would not stop it just kept opening and the stuff that was coming out shock even me, not enough to stop. It was as time slowed down, like I was standing there watching this incident not actually participating.
I won't repeat anything that was said, most of it wasn’t kind or Christ like at all.
She lied, because that’s what cheaters do they lie. I told her I knew where she lived and was prepared to tell her husband she begged me not to and I got in my car and drove away.
His game was up whatever lies he was telling her she now knew the truth. I knew the truth and all he could do was lie.
I met with him in the wee hours of August 6th, 2011
He promised nothing had happened and was glad the lord had sent me, that the girl was crazy and must be stalking him. How bad I wanted to believe his words, but I knew they were not true she had told me he told her were he lived. I told him this and he said are we going to keep fighting about the past or move forward. I had to make a choice that night what I wanted, I had to also set boundaries. I would say a silent pray to the lord to help me and knew he had sent me here for a reason. He would spend weeks telling and proving that this is exactly what he wanted and how sorry he was.
This post was so hard for me to even re-read knowing what if I hadn’t listen to that still small voice that night. Looking back I know the lord sent me. He warned me of danger and had placed me in that path for a reason. I know I could have just ignored that still small voice. I am still trying to piece it all together now. Reading the past I know I loved a man unconditionally! I was never returned that love. I forgave him and gave him my heart again and again, I trusted his words that this would never happen again. He made promises that stupid me actually believed with all of me that he would never break.
My trust and unconditional love handed him that bullet to shatter my soul.
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