Screw you size 2!!!

I hate the fact that my whole life I have always felt like the big girl. Why, honestly I am not really sure! Maybe it's because by telling myself this I have convinced my mind that my body is fat. At my heaviest I was 230 lbs, I can look back at the picture and think how in the hell did I ever let myself get to that point... But it's not like one day I was skinny the next day I was fat... Nope it gradually came on after returning to school with 3 small children and working graveyards and eating late at night to stay awake to study... But truth is I can't remember a time when I did not feel like a big girl... Because let's face it I do not have a petite bone structure, and I am not nore will I ever be a size 2!!! My weight has fluctuated since getting married then pregnant then losing it and getting pregnant twice more... The struggle for me is realizing that I not, can't, and will never be a size 2 unless I develop an eating disorder... 

I remember a few years ago walking into a fabric store to buy fabric and the sales clerk asking if I was going to sew. When I replied I was making bead spreads for my girls she said wow I would have never guessed you look like and athlete not a sewer... Yep so you can judge a book by its cover your just not aware of all its chapters:) 

In high school I always felt fat compared to my friends who mostly wore size 5's those skinny minis... I was and am still envious of the size 2 that can eat what, whenever they want, they want never work out and stay skinny... To you I say never comment about being fat because you honestly have no idea what it truly is to truly be fat, so please remember when you saying on my gosh I have gained 5 lbs that us less fortunate girls with the big genes would love to be In your shoes... 

So where did my journey begin? I think It has always been a battle my whole life just once I would love to not care and be comfortable in my own skin but I am not I am always finding the flaws with my fluffy areas... Because my big fat mouth has convinced my Brain that I am fluffy...

I long for the time when Marilyn Monroe was considered a sex symbols as a size 8-10. Maybe then I would not feel so bad about my size 12-14. 

So 2002-2003 I was at my heaviest I weighed in at a whopping 230 lbs I know this because this was the year I booked the first vacation ever for myself and husband and I was determined to not be the fat chick... So January I signed up for a weight loss competition at work and called the biggest meltdown. And I began my quest to lose weight waking up at 5:00 am daily to workout for an hour and again at night doing kick boxing, pump class, running, swimming, bike riding and counted my calories and portioned everything I ate... It became an obsession my goal was to lose 40 lbs by April... Because plain and simple I was tired of being fat... 

So it began first week my belly was growling all the time because it was use to eating way more the my allotted 1200-1500 calories a day. But I pushed through and every morning when my alarm went off I just though of myself in a swim suit and it motivated me to get out of bed... So the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and guess what the morning I left for my cruise I weighed in and all the hard work had payed off I was down a total of 36 lbs not quite my goal but pretty darn close. So daily I would wake up early and run on the ships track because I was still in the weight loss competition and I was consuming way more calories on vacation but I was still going to enjoy vacation... I was up a few lbs after the trip but got right back on course for the final weeks of the competition. The last two weeks I pushed my self running 5 miles a day and working out every morning swimming because I had a friend talk me into doing a triathlon because I was doing all the training anyway... So swimming a mile every morning and cutting back calories even more and guess what I lost a total of 56 lbs by the end of the competition I went from 230 lbs to 174 lbs my goal was 165 but I have never been able to hit that despite working hard... I had not seen that number since I graduated high school and got married... 

But let's face it who can keep up with that life style working out morning and night for 2 hours. As my kids grew older and became active in school activities I cut back to working out after doing the triathlon in June. I will say the easy part is getting it off the hard part is maintaining... Guess what even after all the work I was still a size 12 I quickly gained back 15 lbs due to not restricting myself on as many calories because I had won the competition and the last week stooped to stupid desperate measures to secure the win... But even with the 15 lbs my cloths still fit so I was no overly stressed over it continued to work out and portion food. 

I have since yo-yoed back and forth and have slacked off but I became a certified personal trainer and I have come to find out that I can relate to my clients because I have been in their shoes and they will open up to me because guess what there biggest fear is that I would be a size 2 trainer never having dealt with being the big girl... 

So yep screw you size two, I now know I will never fit into you no matter what I do... 

Crazy...

I often have Crazy moments where I want to pull my hair out, I want to scream and flop down on the ground and throw a tantrum like a toddler all because of issues of having things clean! I never seem to have enough time to get all I need or want accomplished and it's frustrating... 

I have this major problem I can't do anything else if I know my house is dirty I can't sit down and watch a movie or tv show and enjoy it. For some weird reason I can only function if I know that my house is clean... Yep crazy!!! I like things neat and tidy everything has a place and it throws me off when I know my house is not spotlessly clean when I leave it, my day goes by so much better because I can focus on something beside knowing I will be retuning to a mess, homework, dinner, or kids activity... See I told you CRAZY... 

But it does not only affect my physically but emotionally when my house is a mess I tend to be a much worse mother my mood is awful I snap at kids and I dislike myself after... I have a list a million miles long but can't start on any of it knowing that the house has to be clean first! I won't actually start any project if my house is not at least picked up first!!! 

I have obsessive compulsiveness with having things clean... Oh and don't worry it's not only the house it my car, the yard, to pretty much everything, I like things in the right spots... I often get after my kids and use to never let them leave the house if they did not make their beds... I have learned over the years to be a little more lax in that and learned to shut the door due to us being late many times because of it... If the doors closed it gives me that false sense of clean if I can't actually see it. For some it's keeping up with the jones perfect house, perfect yard, perfect perfect perfect, but for me don't keep it clean for that reason I keep it clean and tidy for my own sanity. 

In my perfect world my house would self clean itself like the oven... Wait not the oven you still have to wipe it out even after because it leaves a residue and all the burnt stuff in the bottom... I want it to self clean like the washer just turn a couple of dials before leaving the house and when you return after work it's sparkling clean you know like when they pull one of those glass dishes from the dishwasher commercials... Oh and don't forget having it smelling like clean I love the smell of clean...

Yep OCD WILL ALL THINGS CLEAN!!!

But reality is I need to realize that there are way more important things then clean things even if they do boost my mood and help me feel better I need to find that happy medium because soon I will have an empty, most likely clean house (because I don't see the OCD changing any time soon)... But I really need to enjoy lives messes more because I won't have smelly messy kids bedrooms to clean forever... I just can't help LOVING the feeling of clean!!! 

Even if it does make me that CRAZY clean FREAK... 

Enough

Admit it we have all thought it from time to time the we are never enough! I think often the world would have us believe we will never be enough.

Think about it technology has created this false sense of perfection...

I can list many examples for starters there is one reason I don't have a Pinterest... Because plain and simple it makes me feel like I am not good enough, funny enough, crafty enough, clean enough, I cant and won't cook enough or exercise enough because plain and simple I am not  pintresting enough to have Pinterest. I would never do half of any of that stuff I would pin for later and I would again feel like I am not enough!!! 

Lets take face book for example, how easy Is it to create a false life on that thing... literally you can create anyone you want to be a whole other person and screw with peoples lives...yep had this happen but that could be a whole other post with the nonsense this individual did, best told another time!  But honestly Think about it technology has created this! This is why I chose to have a 2nd blog so that I could have my perfect blog, perfect kids, perfect life(not) where nothing ever goes wrong and let's be honest no life is perfect and I refuse to fake that for even one second! I keep my other blog private because I post pictures of my family that I don't want to share with the world but this blog allows me to talk about the world and all its icky potential...

So yes technology has helped my never enough feelings surface...

My list of things I will never be enough of! 

Never a good enough mom.

Never skinny enough.

Never pretty enough. 

Never smart enough( especially when I have to pass this big exam for work) 

I never have enough time

Never make enough money to do what I want... 

I will never have a clean enough house ( yep cus I am a clean freak) 

I will never be a good enough friend.

Never a good enough wife. 

Never a good enough sister! 

But the truth the world does not want you to know is neither does anybody else... Everyone can find something they are never enough of, but we don't have to be as long as we are trying enough!

AND I AM ENOUGH! 

Seeking

Storm/Sunshine

So I stumbled apron this quote... "Stop seeking out the stoms of life and enjoy more fully the sunshine" for those who know me well know that I am kinda a glass half empty person... I have been doing a lot of work on this and I know that I have a long way to go to realize my glass is full a lot of the times but I focus on the times when it half empty or empty... So yes I notice more the storm cloud over my head more then the sunshine... I love the sun it makes me jump for joy... Rain is nice when I am sleeping but when I am awake I want the sun out shining... Why is it that I noticed more the days of gloom the I do the days of sunshine... Surly there is more sunshine days then there are rain days right? Yes I believe there is but for some reason I seem to focus more on the gloomy days and all I want to do is sit in my house curled on a blanket... Can't I just enjoy the rainy days too? So the next time there is rain I will find something good about the storm:) who am I kidding its been storming for days and all I see is gloom.  I got caught in the rain last night on a run around the lake... I kinda actually enjoyed it but only because it was a drizzle and not a hard rain... But you know what I am enjoying about this storm? That today during my lunch break the sun is shining on me... There are storm clouds all around but for that peaceful hour in my car the sun was shining... So I guess I do seek the sunshine and fully enjoy it... Indeed it, crave, it want it. But not just the sunshine but the warmth!!! 

Ugly Truth of Life

So I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about when your younger you believe in the fairy tale of marriage. Who does not want to be Cinderella who finds her Prince Charming, or Snow White who is awaken by True loves kiss. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe as a child I watched too many Disney movies where in every ending the princess ends up with the prince even after the outside world tries to interfere, they always come out winning in the end! 

I believed in happily ever after and true love as a child and then the movies in my teen helped reinforce this theory... Julia Roberts ends up with Richard Gere in Pretty woman, oh and how about Can't Buy me Love, it seems like the girl always finds her ONE...

So the statement my friend made yesterday was " I believed there was that one and only someone for everyone." I don't believe that anymore I thought I had found him and then it all fell apart, not for the lack of trying on her part but she was the only one willing to fight when the happily ever after came crashing down... 

So why is it that as children we are led to believe that life is a fairy tale? That when we find our Prince Charming we will live Happily Ever After? 

I can now say I no longer believe in this fair tale! Yes I will admit some people find it and live it but the percentage of that actually happening are slim to none in my opinion... 

The ugly truth about life is you may find your Prince Charming and you may actually live happily ever after but if you do, it will be because of the hard work and dedication you put into making it happen! 

It will not be a fairly tale, you will have problems and things will go wrong, you will fight about, Money, sex & time, because you will never have enough of any of it. So yes you might make it to happily ever after with your Prince Charming but it will indeed never be a fairly tale! 

Some of us will think we find our Prince Charming to discover he was only Charming to win us over and then treated us like one of the ugly step sisters when indeed the glass slipper perfectly fit. He however discovered  a new princess. That you Snow White after taking care of your 7 dwarfs (kids) all day go to sleep to never be woken up by True Loves Kiss... That Many can and do buy LOVE right off the Internet, and lets face it ladies if our profession has something to do with working the street corner we are never going to end up with Richard Gere. 

So again I ask why is it we are lead to believe in this fairy tale and why is it that I am judged for letting my children realize that there are UGLY truths in life, should I let them believe this fairy tale so that Prince Charming can come along and rip their heart out? Is it wrong that I prepare them for the bad and don't allow them to live in a bubble and discover it on there own? 

I do hope they are the slim percent that this actually happens for? I would want nothing more for all of them.

But the reality is I am the middle child of 5 girls and have watched as 2 of my sisters fairy tales ended in Divorce, I have had struggles in my own marriage and almost ended up the same. So 2.5 of us did not end up with that fairly tale that we thought was our Prince Charming! 

So yes the ugly truth of life is that fairy tale, Prince Charming, happily ever after is BULLSHIT! 

                                    

Robbed!!!

I was ROBBED... By what I consider the most awful thing ever... This thing has no compassion it takes takes takes and ruins life's and leave emptiness. Yes what was taken can not be fixed or replaced. This thing did not think of how I would feel after it took from me. It did not even stop to consider what I would be losing, or how important it was to me. Plain and simple it just did not care. 

Like many other I was ROBBER by CANCER... I wish I could say I was not one of the many who is affected by cancer! :( sadly the impact that had on my life changed it forever. 

May 2001 I had just discovered I was expecting my 2nd child after trying for almost a year. The excitement of that news was short lived because the news we received shortly after was that my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. We were very optimistic in the beginning, radiation and chemo therapy started shortly after diagnosis. I tried to spend all the time I could at my parents house. Grateful that I lived close enough to do so. Fighting my dad for the bathroom him being sick with chemo and me morning sickness... Lucky for me mine would subside, he was not as lucky. He would say this chemo is killing everything good and bad in my body. He was hooked up to a stomach port for feeding because nothing tasted good due to the radiation he said everything tasted like metal and could care less if he ate. So port went into his stomach that we could hook to a machine to feed him a can that would give him nourishment. He would get so annoyed because a soda can size would take 2 hours to pump in. While I was growing my dad was shrinking and eventually lost all his hair. 

January 2002 we were blessed with our 2nd daughter, looking back at all the photos I am saddened because my dad refused to be photographed because he did not want us to remember him looking like a cancer patient. So thank you Cancer for stealing that moment from me... 

Treatment continued but my dad seemed to get worse and worse by May (1 year after diagnosis) he was to the point of not being able to walk anymore and was In so much pain. My husband job required Him to leave for training for 12 weeks only coming home on weekends. Leaving me with 2 small children and a dad who was now no longer battling cancer but dying from it. 

After a new scan it was discovered that the cancer in the esophagus was no longer present but the cancer had spread to his bones. It was now everywhere. The could continues a more aggressive chemo but this would not save his life at this point nothing would. This chemo would only allow him more time. 

My dad chose to not do anymore treatments he chose quality over quantity of time.  

So what exactly did cancer rob from me you ask?  That awful no good disease referred to as CANCER took my dad at age 47, the memories that could have, would have, and should have been made between father and daughter, and grandpa and grandkids. Even if he would not allow us to take pictures of him during his cancer treatment and final days you can never erase from your memory what cancer does to the body, he may have saved that image for future generations but for those of us that watched that battle from May 2001-August 2002 I know exactly what cancer did to him. It humbled him took away his dignity, his hair, his body deteriorated from a 6'4 260 lb. man to maybe 110 lbs skin hanging from bone and muscle completely void from the big strong body that once existed. We sat back helpless and watch the color and life drain from him. Cancer left a void and sadness that can never be replaced. 

I HATE you cancer and will never forgive you for what you ROBBED from me!!! 

HalfemptE

I am starting a new blog, I stole this idea from my sister... Thanks Adaire:) 

Choosing a name was not easy but I decided on this! HalfemptE... Yep that's me! I have talked about this many time and have tried to fix my half empty self but not sure it will ever fully be fixed... 

So what does half empty mean? Here is the definition I found online. 

To believe that a situation is more bad than good. 

Usage notes: also used in the form the glass is half empty (the situation is seen as bad or not hopeful)

Yes this is how I often view things( who am I kidding? This is how I view most things)

I can't help it I have tried to fix it but its such hard work maybe I should just except that's it's what makes me ME...

So I will be posting a lot because I have found a love for writing recently and I want my private blog to be all happy and positive... So this is where I will post the good, the bad and the ugly truth of life...