LIES

                                   
How do you react when you realize that your life has been a lie?
That moment you realize you had not a clue what was going on in your marriage.
It was not realizing that so much was hidden and secret.
D-day life before and life after D-day.
This was it, the day that message came through; D-day (discovery day) where my gut feeling was confirmed.
The convincing lies from this date that so easily slipped from his lips the lips that said it’s not true none of it the blaming others. That promise that we would get through this. That he would never leave, maybe the biggest lies were the words I love you that also slipped from the same lips.

                                          


 I will never know if it was one of his many lies too? Here was this man that I respected, admire, and trusted, who was gaslighting me with his secret life that was secret and hidden. It was a direct lie, and it just got worse the psychological-emotional abuse. Because I guess after 25 years, I didn’t deserve the truth, but you know what I clung to the lies. Not a single part of me wanted it to be real. The man I loved would never hurt me like this, not again, he promised me. He watched what it had done before he knew the work I had put in, and he said I was his everything. How would someone do this to someone they proclaimed to love. There is this funny thing about the infidelity in my marriage; we had survived it. Twice! (his words exactly we are stronger and better because of it.) I trusted that. I was happy and thought we had moved forward. I didn’t realize then what I do now was that the lies just got better, and I was the complete and utter fool in what I thought was our incredible love story. I was the fool to love a man with every fiber of me, and I put the work in because I loved him no matter what, and you don’t walk away from the people you love.
What I would discover was that it was a lie too. That never again, that just meant never again get caught, but now he had. I remember the whole conversation I had with the girl denying it all.

                                                     
                       
Yes, because she would "for sure would never want that for us and hope all goes well.
 I wonder what she did want for us?

 The lies she quickly told also because he coached her. I made sure that I asked the question that I already had the truth too. She lied, he shared with her what I had said, and then he asked me not to speak to her again after I caught her in the biggest lie, the one I could prove. That’s when he said, stop communicating with her. I bet he gave her the same advice. I knew him I knew all of him, I forgot he knew me too, and he knew I would not stop looking for the truth and that’s what scared him. His truths were coming out and not this current truth, the facts he had been hiding for years.
Only they did come out, and they helped destroy what was left as I was fighting for him, he was struggling to continue his lying sneaking and his affairs. The destruction the lies would cause, the damage, and the emotions that came back from all the years, heart-wrenching. Terror, fear, a nightmare. That's what I was living. It was indeed the lying that hurt the very most.

                                        
I was asked in therapy if I could go back and tell my younger self something what would it be?
After a lot of harsh words about that younger me and criticizing myself.
 I said I would tell her its not your fault, and to any of you reading, its not your fault that you trusted and that it wasn't my fault that he struggled with his addictions, and acting out. That it wasn't my fault that he lied, manipulated. My only crime was that I loved and trusted him. I have beat myself up for believing the lies; others have criticized me for believing the lies. It was the question I had asked myself over and over again when others started asking it hurt. Did you not know? How did you not know? My reply most times was I guess love is blind, or I guess I was that stupid, and I trusted him.
What I have learned is words like co-dependent, abuse, addiction, recovery, boundaries. I have had to do a lot of work to not feel bad for loving someone. Real love doesn't walk away, it sticks around for good, bad and the ugly, and I had seen the good the bad and the ugly and I was willing to give my life and love and risk it all for that amazing person I loved. In the end, it shattered me.
When you have someone in your life that you want to love and take care of, there is nothing wrong with you; it just means you love deeply. I wanted simple answers simple solutions, and I know when someone you love fails, you grieve, and inside of grief is remorse. I know you already feel like you have done something wrong and know you have done the best way you know how to fix it. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a hero, a resilient survivor. You have given yourself, your energy to someone else. It is natural normal and healthy, to love your family and fight to give up yourself for the people you love, You held the light to who they use to be. The reason you stayed was that you saw the good in them, the things you loved. Understood all the problems, the person who might be worth holding out for despite the pain, hoping they will get well and become the person you saw the good.  You stayed because of LOVE, Your efforts were because of that love that good.  Find support find help, and know you have done nothing wrong all your attempts to heal your family and stay connected even if you looked crazy on the outside and felt even crazier on the inside for holding on.
So to my younger me, I will not ask questions of why? I will say I support your decision and know that the reason you stayed was not that you believed the lies but because you believed in the LOVE.

                                                                               

What if?

                

What if I am, trying, but then I close my eyes?

What if TIME doesn't do what it’s supposed to do?

What if I never get over?

What if I never get closer?

What if it never gets better?

I’m trying?

What if I gave everything I got?

What if your love was my only shot? 

What if I never get over you? 

The what if’s play with my head and my heart more often then I care to admit. 

When I started writing, I had no idea the flood of questions that would come in.

The what if’s? 

How do you?

Tell me it’s?

Why did you stay? 

The writing started back in 2011 for a few years, I wrote, I blogged it all, and I never hit publish. I stopped writing, and I lived, and I loved, and believe it or not, I forgave. I let that wall fall, and I gave my all. It wasn’t easy, and I finally accepted the words never again. I believe it made us stronger, better people. I 100% trusted. I loved him with every bit of me and thought he felt the same. Was love just a lie?

I have prayed from this nightmare and time to do what it’s supposed to do.

I remember praying that morning at 3am for this very thing.

It took me forever to even turn the radio on in my car as I couldn’t keep the tears away I think 3 months I would drive in silence  When the sound of the road and my own thoughts finally drove me insane I started listening to self-help books to and from work. Then I started listening to podcasts. The music finally came about 8 months later the radio would be switched at any song that I was familiar with, or that would cause the tears to flow.

Until that morning, when I turned it on, and the new Lady A Song started playing from the first line, I knew I should have switched off the radio, but it what I had just prayed that morning, so I let it play, and I let the tears fall. Then I found it on my Apple Music downloaded it, and I listened on repeat and knew this was my answer.

The What if’s will not go away because time hasn’t done what it’s supposed to do.

When I close my eyes, I know at 3am I will be woken up with a dream I don’t want.

The closure I longed for that I will never get.

Oh, time I have a post about that.

I thought I was only writing for me to help heal me if that’s even possible. I had no idea how many others there are just like me out there. This writing has taken on a much bigger purpose, and it scares me because I am not qualified, and I know it’s not all me because I can’t write, I can’t spell, and I am awful with punctuation. I said to the Lord, are you sure.

I wonder if he wants to hit me when I question if I have what it takes to write this?

Trust me, I got you. I know without a doubt that he does, and I know the words flow freely from me because of him. They have all come together. I sat in church Sunday, looking homeless and with an emptiness I haven't felt for a while and then. It happened a talk for me. Daniel 3 17,18 if it be so our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king, BUT IF NOT, be it known unto thee. O king that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up.
So what if's will be but if not.

I will trust his plan as mine hasn’t turned out the way I wanted or hoped or begged for.

I have no other options but to know he has me.

This plan is way bigger then I could have even imagined, and as it keeps falling into place, I will continue to write and chase my what If’s and but if not.

❤️-Day

I am going to avoid all the stores for the next 15 days. I remember doing the same thing last year. This is the time of year the aisles are stocked with red and pink and hearts and love! Cards promising forever. Always and forever, what a lie. That's the lie I bought into, the lie I believed with all my heart. The lie that left it shattered!

I know some of you will relate. The pain that accompanies a person when they have been betrayed by the love of their life.

                     

Those colors of love everywhere, but you don’t feel the love you just feel alone. You avoid looking people in the eye. That has been the hardest thing for me, actually looking people in the eye. I try and avoid it at all cost. 

I can’t even look in a mirror because all I see is an empty shell of who I once was. The many times spent dry heaving and throwing up over the truth of all of it. 

The ache in your heart in the morning and the fear at night.  The deep pain you don’t know how to describe to others who haven’t lived it. Opening the scriptures an the questions that fill your head. Sitting in church listening to talks on family and marriage is one of my deepest sorrows and pain. 

Don’t even get me started on all the love songs on the radio. I couldn’t listen to it for months just drove in silence, which I rare for me. I can’t stand the sound of the road.  You just feel numb. 

  The words that have been spoken, that shattering of your heart and the betrayal is not a reflection of you or how the Savior loves you. 

Rejection is painful, it’s Brutal. It makes you feel like you don’t matter. That your nothing.

God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son.
I know the Savior died on the cross for me, I know he has watched every tear and heard every sobbing prayer. He felt my hurting. He knows every emotion I feel.

                                                 

That love is better than any card, flower, or Chocolate, the colors of love. He will never discard you for someone else, he will never lie to you or betray you. Letting his love feel your heart when you feel like hiding. He knows you, he hears you, and he wants you to feel LOVE. 
WHY? 
BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU!!!

  

NATIONAL NOTHING DAY

When I woke up, 3:00 am, and I knew what day it was I knew this date, it will forever be ingrained into my Shattered pieces. Today was the day I knew that something was off something big. We had argued, and I thought that would be the end of it we would both say what we felt and then we would find a way to solve the issue like we had so many times before. This time it was different. Me inside of me, screaming and kicking and trying to get out. She sensed what was coming. She had been trying to convince me it was coming long before this day, January 16th. I felt uneasy. I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't pinpoint anything because I didn't want to have to listen to her because if she was right, I knew it would destroy me. I knew what it would do and the damage it would cause, or so I thought because it was much bigger than I could have ever imagined.

Today I tried to avoid it. I wrote a whole other post after that 3 am wake up. I tried to step away from the memory of this day I decided to live in the reality that none of it happened that I could make it all go away if I ignored it.
I had not realized what was going to come. I went about my day trying not to write the date because I felt as if it would trigger me the me I fight to keep hidden the one that will cry. Then it happened an innocent moment that would suck the breath out of me and would leave me speechless.
As I sat working at my desk trying to accomplish all that was stacked in my pile a woman walked up, I looked up from the computer and said hello, then the words I didn't want to hear escaped her lips.
 "How is your husband?"
 I am sure the shock on my face said it all. I had been asked this question many times and the reason I didn't venture out very much in the beginning because it would be, I haven't seen your husband. I would smile and nod and then escape to cry. I haven't had this moment happen for quite a while, and I wasn't expecting, and I sure as heck wasn't prepared for it. There it was a reminder of what today was. I could not escape it.
I looked around to make sure she wasn't talking to someone I couldn't see even though I knew I was the only one she was speaking to her.
I politely said, "I don't have one."
her reply, " yes you do" with a smile on her face as if I was lying.
The inside me wanted to shout at her and say no I am pretty sure I don't he left me nearly two years ago for a 23-year-old. I knew this lady didn't need to hear the reason I dint have a husband, so I just replied. "I am pretty positive I don't have a husband.
She looked embarrassed now and said, oh I thought he was sick, and that's why you stopped teaching. All the ladies in the pool were talking about it. I said no, sorry, I don't have a husband.
This sweet lady apologized and walked away.
I know she had no idea what she had just done; she attempted to show kindness to my sick husband left me in a mess. And the effect that statement would have on me this day. The tears started to trickle down my face like they had many times in the past when the comment would stop me in my tracks and leave me feeling defeated.
I stood from my desk, hoping to escape before anyone could see them. I walked to my car, started it, and drove away from that moment, away from that comment. What I couldn't escape was me and the tears flowing and the feeling that dark feeling where my lungs feel constricted. I thought I had worked on this and that I would ignore it today. Now I couldn't. That comment had stirred up a lot of stuff, stuff I wasn't prepared for today. I wanted answers to that one question that nobody can give.
WHY DID MY HUSBAND DO THIS?
Dammit, I want that answer. I have to live in the reality of this, another choice that did so much damage. I at least deserved that answer to why he did all of this. Created this reality, the one I have to accept.
Yes, this is work from therapy here trying to accept the reality I live in, This is where I am at, and this is what I need.
I need to acknowledge the day and face it. This is where I am and the fear of change at what it can affect. I don't have to be healthy or courageous today, I can wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it's okay to grieve. I thought I had become a good griever over the last two years, but today as I share pieces of me, I can break down and ask to step away from the moment, and ask what do I need? I not going to pretend today isn't a sense of sadness and the loss of my husband.
I have learned I am going to have good days, and I am going to have bad days like last Thursday, and all I wanted to was shut down and give way to the darkness. I will accept that it's not going to go away even if I pretend it not there or that day isn't the one that is the beginning of the change of it all.
Life will never be the same, and all I can do is to continue to be authentic.
So today sucks, I will continue to do the work on the days that suck, and I will continue to rely on the lord that he has me. That this is precisely what he wants me to continue to do.

This is 40?

Today I woke up that 3 am hour still plagues me that nightmare, and my heart hurt that squeezing pain in my chest that makes me want to throw up. This day two years ago, If this is what ’40s looks like I want a do-over, I wanted the same thing last year. Time has carried on 2018 I don’t know what to say about it. In 2011 I vowed never to have a year that shattered again, but here it was 2018 in all her glory. January 3rd isn’t just a birthday; it’s the day I am reminded that my voice didn’t matter that my one request for that day was forgotten. 2018 was the year the Grande pin was pulled and left at my feet. Humiliating, shattering, painful, humbling, haunting year of my life. That 2018 40th Birthday memories are what brings that pain in my chest on this 3 am sudden wake-up. 

New Year and Birthday so close the time to reflect upon one's life. The memories of the betrayal, which were buried but not gone, have again resurfaced. It's hard to believe that after two years, the pain is still fresh. The memories that won’t fade the ones that stick with you even when you run from them the one you try to get so far away from, but that 3 am nightmare just won’t let you. 2020 and I still want a redo. Because this isn’t what I thought ’40s would be. 

I have learned a lot of things in the last two years a lot of hard truth about life none more shattering than the previous 2 years, truths I didn’t want to know, secrets that were being kept for years, facts that kept me frozen with fear. Dreams and trust shattered.

It all lays at my feet. I can see the shattered pieces moments of my life that I can’t look at. They don’t fit; I can’t find all the pieces because I deal with all the lies. I can see the good memories mixed in with the bad, but even they have been tainted with the words it was all fake, I faked it all. 

That phrase let go. Yes, let's take the past 25 years of pieces lying at my feet, sweep them up and toss them away. Try it see how easy it is to take the life you lived, loved, and sweep it all up and throw it. I dare you to see how easy it is because when you toss it, you will also lose a lot of people along with it. Twenty-five years of relationships vanish right along with it people you loved.

Yes, the shattered pieces of me lying at my feet, what do I do with them step over and forget they ever existed? That may be easy for some. Maybe it’s easy for you to walk forward and never look back, pretend it never happened. If I have learned anything in therapy is that it’s not in my makeup, it’s not who I am. I don’t just toss away what I loved and cherished I try to fit all the pieces back together, and I am working on finding the pieces of me scattered around put them back together. There is no such thing as a whole anymore because I gave pieces of myself away to others, and all I can do is learn to find the pieces of me that aren’t shattered and to love them. It’s a work in progress.

I learned in the last two years, and the lord gives you some of the most amazing people to help love the pieces lying at your feet. The pieces that are sharp and cut, the pieces that aren’t lovable, the dark pieces, the empty pieces, the ones that look and feel flawed, the little ones that can only be seen for a small moment. He has given me people that helped me find them and helped me take a step forward even if I am going to turn around and take ten steps back they have helped me with that one step forward anyway. Held my hand, been a source of relief a shoulder or lap to cry in a hug that means more than any other gift in the world. He hasn’t left me alone, and if you are standing in your shattered pieces, he won’t leave you alone either. He is there, and he sends you people. Some love me even when I can’t love myself. I can assure you that he is always there proud of the one step forward the inch or the one shattered piece you pick up and glue back together. He knows the path he knows the future even when you're frozen in fear. He can lead you, and he will send you people. 

HOLIDAYS

The holidays are filled with joy. Except when that joy has been replaced with pain, physical loneliness, and emotional distress. All the befores have changed, you can’t do any of it the same as you feel that pain. Stockings, gifts, family! Your heart desperately trying to beat the same. They bring emotional distress, and I have had to let myself grieve. Like walking through a fog. That fog hasn’t lifted. I always just wanted to be together; that was the gift I wished it wasn’t hard, I wasn’t trying to be challenging what I wanted couldn’t be bought or wrapped. 

Some say I was hard to buy for or complicated, but it was really this simple gift I desired the most. As long as we were together! Things are different because of someone else’s choices, and now that gift I always wished for will never be the same. What was taken can never be returned? 

Giving yourself permission to grieve and not come off looking crazy. But recovering from such a devastating blow takes time. No matter how much I try and rush it. Maybe somethings you never bounce back from? I have learned to identify my triggers, and the holidays are one of them. Depression, isolation, and hopeless. I want to find an island come October and not come back till the end of February because every store, every commercial all of it feels heavy. So I run from the triggers I get far away from it. 

Christ’s love can help with the pain of it if you allow him to make you stronger and give you hope. I hold onto the hope my future holidays will be filled with joy and gratitude for what He has brought me through. This sweet little gift 

will always remind me of that. 

So many times I have wanted to end this story, I wanted to not just run from it. I have been told this isn’t the end of my story. Satan is powerful also, and I fight daily battles with how he wants me to end the story. 

I have been told that it’s not uncommon for intense feelings of sadness to last years, three, four, five, or six. 

Yes, the grieving process is different for everyone, but that there will be an end. 

I have had to remind myself that he knows the end, he sees the pain and the suffering. He paid the price for all of it. He wants the end to be so much better than what you imagined. He wants it to be all of that and more. He is there, I know he knows how you feel and wants to give you all the joy and comfort.

Remember he is the reason for the season his love is endless and he knows the end.

The Message

 I remember feeling completely numb, and I remember thinking this can't real; this isn’t happening to me. It didn’t make sense, we were happy, what happened? A question I asked myself every morning I had woken up since that argument. I felt like someone was holding onto my heart and squeezing it. Like I was living an awful moment from the past. I was in a bad dream. No, this was more than that; this was a nightmare that brought all the past trauma back! The body remembers, and it knew this feeling it had been here before. Our love story might not have been perfect after what I thought we had overcome, but it was ours, and it withstood an emotionally devastating storm that most might not come back from, but we had. We had just celebrated 20 years of marriage 25 years together in a big way ten-day vacation. It was perfect, magical, fabulous, and full of adventure. Scuba diving, beaches, cruising the ABC islands. Bliss, and full of hope and excitement for the future.
I had no idea the storm that was already occurring, the secrets that I didn't know. I was in no way prepared for it to all come crashing down. I was not ready for the truths I was going to learn about my life. I would have argued with anyone had they said we weren’t completely happy! Because I was perfectly happy about life and my future.
Then it happened the shift. The item removed. That was the moment I should have questioned more, and I didn’t. I will forever wonder, had I pushed harder than would it have made a difference? Then a few other moments that felt off than the big moment in December when everything inside me was screaming... YOU REMEMBER THIS FEELING.
I instead convinced myself I was depressed, and my hormones are off, I was gaining weight despite going to the gym daily and staying very active.
I blamed all my insecurities and issues. My instinct was screaming at me, and my mind was telling it to shut up, saying, it's you.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill, and so the internal battle had begun I had no idea the argument that was waiting for me that cold day in January.
I had been battling with myself for 41 long days at this point. I had said three days before this I need help I am going to get help. I need counseling, and when we get home, I am making arrangements because I can’t keep feeling crazy. It had all taken a toll on me the not eating the not sleeping the worrying I was exhausted. I had felt defeated. I was always the strong one, and I was so ashamed that I was struggling. Monday arrived, and I called the Ins and started looking for options. I had no idea that night, a Facebook message would come across with the words that would change it all. Words nobody would want to read, words that came from a stranger and had sat unopened for weeks.  I would have never seen this message had someone asking about a flag, not asked me to check my other folder.
There it was the message that would leave me speechless a word that would trigger what I now know to be my first panic attack. It all went black. I sat on the floor because it all went black. I remember lying there on my back alone on the floor, willing my lungs to breath. Scared of what was happening, I could not catch my breath. Had I just read this?

     

A message came through from a friend, and all I could do was a screenshot and sent it. My phone rang, and she said, where did you get that? Facebook was all I could reply; she said you want me to come to get you. Yes! I hung up, and I heard him come in the door with the kids. I walked into the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up. The text I am outside, and I knew I had to get out I had to go before my face showed every emotion I felt before whatever happened (panic attack) occurs again. I said, going for a ride be right back.
I sat in her car in shock, numb, disbelief, terror. She said, you okay; all I could answer was. No
In my head, I was thinking, is this real?
Can this be true?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE DONT LET THIS BE REAL.
I don’t remember much else that happened a text that said the accident occurred and that he was there. A Facebook stalk of her also posting the accident on her page. Who she was her age, and that’s when it hit me. My friend said 23 how do you compete with that!
I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said this couldn’t be true.
He wouldn’t!
He couldn’t!
Would he?
I knew the answer before the words left my mouth. He had before, but he promised never again.
I said, take me home.
She said, are you going to be okay?
No!
I knew I wouldn’t. I walked into the house 45 minutes after I left it. I was feeling worse. I knelt on the stairs, and by knelt I mean fell onto my knees, and I asked the Lord to undo it, I could not survive this again, I can’t I pleaded with him to make it go away, I asked him to let there be a better explanation then what I had already created in my mind. I said please, please, I beg of you don’t make me live this again. I don’t know how long I pleaded with the Lord on the stairs, but it was quite, and I knew I had to know!  I walked up the stairs to our bedroom, and the soft glow of the TV was on. I looked at him asleep in bed. I stood there for a long moment because fear had taken over, and I wasn’t sure I wanted the truth.
I sat on my side of the bed I opened that message I reread it, and I called his name, then I placed my hand on his back and repeated his name, he rolled over, I said we need to talk I handed him my phone.
That message open to him; he read it and tossed my phone on the bed in front of me. The coldness in his response still gives me chills and his reply. Of course, you think it’s true. I looked into his eyes and said, is it?
No, and now he was angry.
I said, hand me your phone, what? I said, give me your phone. He picked up the phone opened it, and I said open Facebook. He did, I said, your friends with her, why?
He said I’m not, I said, but yes, you are, pull up her profile and give me your phone. He did, and at that moment, I was looking at the girl my child’s age. I was scrolling through her page, and there it was her version of the accident. I said I already messaged, sending her this exact screenshot and asking what truth there was. Her side of the story. I said I also looked for this Jodi person; the profile is fake. Whoever it was didn’t want to be known, they created an account to message me.
I would receive a reply from both of these individuals via facebook.
This moment is time will haunt me as it started a chain reaction of a year of truths I would find out about my life that I knew nothing about.
2018,2019 have been the hardest years I have had to face.  I have no doubt the lord is closest to the brokenhearted. He has never left my side even when I have yelled, ignored, questioned his plan, and cursed his name. He has been the one constant. I know he is there in all my weakest moments. I have witnessed small miracles, I have seen his hand in so many things, I have felt him carry me when all I can do is breath, I know that he has given me so much and so many people. It was through those people that I have survived. It has been both a humiliating and humbling experience. Why write, you ask? Why tell your story? I don't know honestly. In the beginning, I thought It was for me to help me heal, I still believe that to an extent, but I know there is a bigger purpose, the Lord has made sure I am aware of that. If I have learned anything is that I can only trust his plan as my own was shattered into a million pieces, so I can't believe in it anymore.

I struggle every day with this. Because both is hard and the battle of listening to both. Because the devil knocks and I listen!