BEFORE YOU CHEAT

Before you cheat, know this:

You will break her. You will not just break her heart. You will break her trust. You will break her spirit. You will break her joy. You will break her belief in love. You will break her sense of self.

Before you cheat, know this: 

She will not sleep—not through the night, as she wakes from a nightmare at 3 am, seeking answers from God. She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t stomach her reality or the thoughts of texts and images that haunt the corners of her mind. She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore.

Before you cheat, know this: 

It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough to keep me faithful.” It will teach her to hear “You are smart,” as “but not smart enough.” It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough to be with just you.” It will teach her to hear “You are enough,” as “but you are still not good enough to satisfy me.”

Before you cheat, know this: 

She will cry. She will curl into a ball on her bedroom floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—and not be able to stand up. She will sob in the shower thinking nobody can here her tears in there. She will get a lump in her throat anytime she drives past places that used to be yours until she decides to avoid these places entirely. She will rage. She will get irritated at friends and family for no apparent reason at all. She will curse at her reflection as she’s brushing her teeth, and think if only she were prettier, funnier, smarter, sexier—if only she were more, it would have made a difference. She will throw a picture frame at the wall and be too dumbfounded to pick up the pieces. She will scream by herself in her car, wondering what she did to deserve this, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—anyone—who can tell her. She will not feel. She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful heart had not known to be possible. And then she will feel everything at once. She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disillusioned, distraught, unimportant, insignificant—she will feel confused and betrayed. She will feel foolish and full of fear. She will feel hate—toward you, toward the other women, toward herself. She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, yet wants and tries to let go.

Before you cheat, know this: 

She believed in you. Oh, how she believed in you. She believed in romance. She believed in honesty—and being honest with the one you love so much! She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being lied to, cheated on, nor played a fool. She believed in goodness—and that being good meant working on being good together, even when it was not easy to do. She believed you would protect her—and that being protected did not mean hiding the truth. She believed in you—and that believing in you, believing in each other, meant the mutual support of a two-person team through the ups, downs and everything in between.

Before you cheat, know this: 

These are all avoidable. You have a choice. You can choose to walk away. You can choose to let her leave, on her own. You can give her a choice.

But if you cheat, know this:

 You will break her, but she will grow back eventually stronger. You will dim her light, but she will shine more brightly. You will lower her expectations, but she will raise her standards. You will cause her to hate, but she will find relief, calm, her inner beauty, she will begin to see SHE IS ENOUGH. You will make her question her sanity, but she will learn to trust her own intuition and her heart better than before. You will crush her ideas of love, but she will never settle again. You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her. 

1000 Days

If I could find that one thing to stop time to prevent this pain from happing, I would search the end of the earth, I would spend all my time doing so.

The truth is that it’s been 1,000 days, 24,000 hours, 1,440,000 minutes, 86,400,000 seconds since the events that blew up my happy, content life. The joys of therapy homework. The therapist asked me to think long and hard about what scares me; I wrote this. If I could find that one thing I did, you know, that thing that “pushed him to cheat more like 20 times,” yes, his words in the end! I am not sure if he said it to be cruel or just another of his lies? Either way, 1 or 20, what differences should it make? The sting from the lies, disrespect, cheating, all damage that may never fully heal.  Maybe it’s the comment “you are a terrible mother,” or “I was always the better parent.” These are the things that I am scared of, you know, the ones that made this happen!  I am scared, I don’t trust, this action, this choice has made my world small, I don’t feel safe. I think that if I knew what it was, what I did to make my husband cheat on me over and over again, maybe just maybe I could live life again and not fear it. 

The reply I got was, you have got to stop trying to rush your healing. This traumatic event in your life happened; it was devastating because you thought you had a loving, happy marriage. I want you to put that down, I want you to remember this... 

Because of your husband's betrayal and choices, you are experiencing a roller coaster of emotions that no wife should ever have to experience in her lifetime, and this has impacted you significantly.

You need to have feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and grief requires a compassionate response from someone who will not blame you for your husband's behaviors. Oh yes, they are out there, the ones that say “there are two sides to every story.” 

This isn’t you. You won’t find that thing no matter how hard and how long you search. You neither asked nor deserved what was done to you. That thing you are scared of? Is him. He could have protected you, and he chose not to. 

I have been sifting through the rubble, trying to find all the memories, the beauty of my life I lived, and I struggle because I can’t find it among the ashes. I keep returning to that ash pile, trying to find that one piece that explains it all. I don’t find is the person I used to be; she is burned among the ashes. It’s hard to look at the pile of ashes, the ones that I never would burn, the ones I didn’t burn to the ground, even harder sifting through them. 

I DID feel when something was wrong; I felt it in my heart 1,000 days ago. I knew something was wrong, but I had the softest kindest voice reassuring me nothing was wrong. Telling me, he knew he was one of if not the only reason I felt that way. That he loved me so much and would never hurt me like that again. 

Looking at those ashes, how does one look you in the face and lie so easily? I search for the answers as to why my loving marriage is now a pile of ashes. The truth is I can’t find that answer either.

You know what people don’t tell you? What others don’t talk about the pain associated with cheating and the words that haunt you after they were spoken, the ones that creep up, the ones that scare you into looking for that one thing that caused all this pain so that you never do it again, it rips your sense of self away. You are left trying to figure out what was real and what was fake. It destroys your trust, your perception, you doubt your own judgment because, how just HOW could I have been so blind not to see the affair with the neighbor. How did I not know? 

Maybe love is blind.

I mean, I am a smart girl, or so I thought, now I doubt every thought that comes, I second guess every decision, I doubt the truth, and I doubt the lie. Because I lived the biggest lie of them all. The life that was full of life and love. 

Don’t rush the healing, they say; well, have you spent 1,000 days feeling so broken, looking for yourself in a pile of ashes?

Maybe she has blown away with the wind, maybe she lays at the bottom of that rubble that someone deliberately lit the match, tossed it, and then walked away because they cared so little, that they didn’t look back but started a new life because they knew they had just torched the old one? 

Except they didn’t tell you that they even lit the match so that you could run, they left you standing in that fire in a fog, and when the smoke cleared, it was too late to save yourself.

What I didn’t realize was Although I couldn’t save myself, the lord was about to place some of the most amazing people in my life, the ones that would save me from myself, the ones that would bring light in all the darkness. These people loved me when I wasn’t very lovable when I was, in fact, a pile of rubble. I am not sure why? I also questioned why he would send me so many wonderful people to hold it together while I was. The best I can come up with is a 23-19 (monster inc). I was that 23-19 that object that everyone was whispering about that everyone was looking at the one that some, including many that I loved, were ignoring. Through this writing gift, I have found others with similar stories. I have met so many that are searching the ashes for themselves also. In the last 1,000 days, I have been forced to put down that perfect perfection and just be real and honest and live in my truth. This is my hard truth. My life isn’t where I thought it would be, this isn’t the story I want to be told, this isn’t how I envisioned it would be; letting go of that dream has been hard; no, it’s been excruciating because it was the life I wanted. This experience changed me, and letting go of that nieve me is hard also. 1,000 days, and I still want to wake up from this nightmare. I have made it 1,000 days because of the amazing people surrounding me and living in my truth. 

With These Rings

I still remember this date. August 18, 2018! I had just witnessed days prior, the nightmare of my own life. I couldn’t deny it, I tried, but it was burned into my heart and my head—no going back. I remember praying to give up. I had already tried 6 days before this. I had full intentions.

I prayed for days Lord stop pushing me. I am pretty sure I had a complete and utter nervous breakdown. It's the only way I can describe my life. 

I grabbed a photo of us and our rings, and into the temple, I went because I would get a different answer; I was sure of it.  I mean, how could the lord make me endure what I had seen days prior. I was going to pray to give up on you. I was going to ask the lord if it was okay to quit. I was tired of enduring, and I was tired of feeling so shattered.

I begged, and I pleaded. I wore our rings around my neck and placed a picture of us in my pocket, and I was there to ask the lord if it was okay to Quit on all of it. 

As I sat in that celestial room for hours, I couldn’t force the answer; it's the reason I was there; I was sure of it.  I wanted it; it wouldn’t come. The only answers that were there were my child don’t you give up on yourself, he knew what was in my heart and what I had done. Then the tears fell, and the guilt came. The next words, don’t give up on him! I always tried to find a corner so that I could be less noticed. I had my pocket full of tissues. I was utterly exhausted, and I came to bargain with the lord to quit. Endure was always the answer. ENDURE what?  that was the question.

Maybe if I had known then what was in store for the next few years, I would have not listened to the spirit that day, and I would have made my own choice. 

I learned that sometimes the Lord keeps pushing you because he isn’t ready to give up yet, so he won’t allow you to. I learned that no matter what, everyone has their free agency. At times I knew the lord had the power to fix it, but he will always give you your free agency. I knew I had loved ones that had crossed over close by. I knew they were helping me, holding me, and encouraging me. I was a mess, and he sent people to help me, to love me, and to hold me in all my mess. Because let’s face it, I was an utter walking disaster most day. I think I spent hours sitting in the celestial room. I remember praying when I walked out, for my world would be different. That my life could go back to the way, it was. How would I describe my life before I suspected before the truth started trickling out?

Happy, Healthy, Full of Joy laughter, and LOVE. That is a truth I can speak on. That is the only truth I can remember. That life went from Light to Darkness. Like the game of Jenga, you remove one piece, and you still have a stable foundation, but as you continue to remove another and another, pretty soon it’s tipsy, and then one day because you didn’t push when you felt it or speak up sooner the whole thing toppled down. 

I wish I could say to all of you who continue to read that piece by piece, I have put it all back together. I have tried repeatedly, then something comes along, and yanks just the right piece out, and it comes toppling over again. What’s at the base, you ask? The Lord. He is at the bottoms pushing me to stand back out and pushing me through another day. Then it’s the faces of the 3 amazing spirits the Lord entrusted me with that make me fight a little harder to be better do better to survive, not for myself but for them! I wish I could say that when the Devil knocks that I never listen. But there are days. Early on, when I was Spiraling out of control, my therapist gave me an exercise that I could do to help remind me. I would either grab my arm and squeeze it very tightly or place a hand over my heart to remind me of reality. The last few weeks have been rough, and I have started to do it again.  I looked down and kinda chuckled to myself because it had been a while since I noticed that I was doing it.  I do it when words trigger me or when actions do. I use to do it to stop my heart from falling out of my chest because that’s what it felt like now; it reminds me of how far I have come, and it helps calm the storm. The one raging inside me, spinning me out of control, The Grounding Technique I learned in therapy. I remeber when I thought there is no way I can do this alone I cant, I am not strong enought i dont have that kind of power and I was sent this quote. 

Its still something I whole heartldy belive in. 

Abandoned

Marriage is a lifetime commitment; it’s the giving yourself to another. 

Maybe the world knows this about infidelity. I, however, was so clueless as to how it felt to be abandoned, to be traded in. I often wished for death after this moment because, at least in death, there was no choice; it wasn’t a choice to leave.

In this abandonment, a choice was made.

Guess what I gained from that choice.  

Trust issues, self-esteem issues, sleep problems. 

The words you were never sensitive to that now when said, you place your hand on your chest to prevent the shattered pieces of your heart from spilling all over the floor. 

I became a case number for a lawyer, a date on the calendar for a mediator. The petitioner, in that case, filed in the system. A judge you have no say in, it’s like Russian Rullett, my fate was now in the hands of a stranger. No risk, no big deal; it’s just the rest of your life, and the judge won’t care about adultery. 

Without being unkind about attorney’s but do they have your best interest, it’s a business, and it makes them a lot of $$$, it’s common practice for them to end something that You hold very sacred. This was about to affect every area of my life for the rest of my life, and I was going to have to fight for it.

I remember the day I was given the number and that he was expecting my call. It took me 3 days to work up the courage to do so. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I did need some advice on what I could do going forward about finances. So I dialed the number, and I pressed send my heart was pounding, the hello came, and I said my name and said I was told to contact you for some legal advice. The words that came next surprised me. “I have a conflict of interest.” My shocked voice said OH. He explained why and I knew he knew the other half’s side to the story as he had defended the other party involved. I said well, I guess you know me and also some of my story. He said as long as you understand that I know this, we can go forward if you choose. 

I agreed. I explained that I was in serious trouble with finances as I had not received much up to this point, and I was worried about how I was going to pay my bills; he told me to just not to pay them if I couldn’t. I knew at the end of this my credit needed to be okay also, so I told him that wasn’t an option I was willing to take, and what were my other choices; he gave me some information, and I thanked him, and he said can I give you some additional advice? I said, sure. He said "protect yourself and file" matter of factly he said that’s where I see this going. A lump in my throat and tears started to stream down my face; I said, right now, I don’t feel like that the direction, I am supposed to go at this time.  He said okay, let me know when you are ready.

I hung up, and I said under my breath, NEVER.

But he was right; it’s precisely where it headed. That D words that ends it all. I remembered the day I had my 1st consult, and by consult, I mean not the free phone call but an actual come sit in my office, but you will need to bring a hearty retainer to do so. 

I prayed all day that if this wasn’t what the Lord wanted to, please allow something to happen so that I couldn’t make the meeting, and then you know what I did. 

I waited for something to happen, so I wouldn’t have to actually go meet with a lawyer to pay him to end what I never wanted to end. 

Guess what? As the clock ticked by and as it got closer, nothing happened, and so I refused to park at the office. I parked down the street and walked a slow, painful, dreaded walk. 

Have you ever had to make one of those walks the one you have to make because your husband is now living with his girlfriend, and everyone knows it walks? Let me tell you about the walk of shame.

It’s rejection

It’s abandonment 

It is walking into a stranger's office forced to tell what happened and pay him for it. I never wanted this, I say to him and his words, let me tell you they are paid to say all sorts of amazing things you don’t want to hear, and it’s your money. He came highly recommended, and so there I sat with this stranger giving him my debt the details of my life I didn’t share, but he required me to give it all.

Then he said do you have any proof for adultery because Utah is a fault state. I said I do, the office has a tape. What came out of his mouth next was, “good, I am glad you know about the tape.” That was the moment I realized my attorney knew a lot more about my situation. I said, wait, you heard the tape. He said I have, as you remember me telling you about defending the other party in a matter. I had forgotten entirely as this conversation happened almost a month prior, and heck at this point, I couldn’t remember my name most days. 

He asked me what I wanted, and I said, you want an honest answer?

I said I don’t believe God is okay with this divorce, I said I have battled this all day, and I want to just be fair. He said my job is to make it suitable for you. I signed the papers, and I walked out, defeated. I now sat with paperwork to end my marriage, but let’s be honest for him, it was over the moment he walked out of our home and again the day he able to moved in with someone else while married to me. No weight had been lifted, I didn’t feel better, my heart was in pieces, and you know what I thought? Maybe this will be the slap in the face he said he needed. This will make him realize he is losing me. How sick and twisted is that? My husband is living with his girlfriend, and I still want to fight for him. 

The following week I had just walked into my therapist's office, and my phone rang. I looked at her and said I am answering on speaker. I knew I couldn’t tell her this info without sobbing, but I could him. I said I agree with your council’s, and after realizing he is living with her, I want it to be Suitable for me. He said okay, I will make the adjustments I see fit and hung up.  She looked at me and said, oh my! That was it for me. I crumbled, I placed my hands on my chest, and I knew I couldn’t prevent the shattered pieces from spilling all over her floor. I sat there sobbing and hyperventilating, snot and tears running down my face. She said this is a new development. I said yes, I spoke with the lawyer and I didn’t want to, but what choice do I have? He lives with her; my husband is living with his girlfriend, you know, the one he denied having an affair with for the last 7 months. Oh ya, she’s real, and he is living with her. She said, what do you want? I said, not this, but how do I show my kids the mother that allowed her husband to live with his girlfriend and does nothing about it? How do I let this be okay? She said this isn’t okay; there isn’t a thing about it that’s okay? She said, do the kids know? I said yes they saw the cars there as we went to clean. 

I said I can’t understand? Help me understand. I said, now what? I told her God Hates divorce? 

Her words, God isn’t going to ask you if your husband loved you; he is going to ask you if you loved him?  I know your answer. I see it every time you come In. So what do I do? I asked? She said, you wait? Hell on Earth!

 This is when all the flashbacks, all the trauma indeed came to the surface; this is when I lost me, this is when the trauma stated to the surface, and this is where I compete lost it; this is where I knew God was real, this is where I pleaded with him to be wrong to let me wake up from this nightmare. to not abandon me too

I felt alone, angry because nothing was working out, and the madness just kept coming. That road wasn’t paved, and others have walked it; some have run it, but it not the same for any of us. What this looks like for the one living it is not going to be the same for you or me. It’s not just the D-word or just this simple. It every waking moment, it every decision that has to be made, and the aftermath of that choice it’s what you suffer after the dust settles from that unpaved road with small pieces oh hearts you know you can’t pick up because they belong to the many that have had to walk the path before you. It the pieces you leave as you know, there will be ones to follow, and I can promise you this and maybe plead with you. If you are reading this and you are thinking about cheating, think of the aftermath, the part you won't have to hear or see when you walk away. The struggle with betrayal trauma, motherhood, trust, vulnerability. If you are considering it or doing it, I ask you to remember this. One simple action can and will completely alter someone's life. Think of the pieces of their heart-shattering on the floor. How they will feel totally abandoned. 

LOSSES

The day I was asked, “what was the hardest part.” I had to really think about it because there had been so much hard. So here goes the cold HARD truth of it!

Loss of sense of self-worth, loss of belief in self, and loss of hope in the future in general. 

It was all piling up now, the truths, the secrets the papers had been served, and the losses kept stacking up; I wasn’t just losing my husband, I was losing my best friend, my partner, my world, the future I was excited for. I had no idea at the time that I would lose people I thought loved me, the people I loved, it would be the friends that turned there back. I 

I would lose everything I thought I knew about my marriage, security, financial stability, jobs, I would Lose ME! 

What my husband had done had just blown up in my face and the reality that I lived a lie. 

The most shattering moment when I realized there, we so many more that I had no clue about. I was already devastated, and you know what I got to hear? Truths not from him but from the others. 

Trust shattered

Lives Shattered

Truth Shattered

 I SHATTERED

Oh, your husband was cheating on you . . . and now he is living with her . . . how does that feel?” 

Really?

 In a moment when all I wanted was to hide from the world, everyone was there watching me. Whispering, I hated going anywhere I could see the stares, I could hear the whispers and some not so wipers. I wanted to dig a hole and toss myself in. He had walked away. He didn’t have to see any of it. He left me to clean up the mess that was made by him, and deep down, I hated him for it.

 What was the hardest part? The discoveries, the rumors, I didn’t eat, I didn’t get out of bed unless it was forced to go to work because I knew I couldn’t lose my job. I didn’t do that well at this point, that’s for sure. 

Those truths just kept coming in text messages, Facebook messages, phone calls, the illicit email to her. The hard fact staring at me. They shattered everything I had left. Any piece of me that was left was now gone. So I stopped living; I was slowly dying. 

You ever wonder what sever depression looks like? I wouldn’t leave my bed for anything but to go to the bathroom for days at a time. I wasn’t eating or sleeping; everything hurt. I would carry on like this until one day, my mom said You have to get up, you have to live for your kids. She said they think they lost you too. Hard Truth is they have. I am not the same, I am not the mom they had; they have witnessed the trauma mom, I can’t fake it till I make it on this one. 

It was the neighbors.

The office manager that would lose us a cleaning job.

My Best friend, x2

A 

Bragging lady telling everyone she was actually his 1st affair.  

Now the girl he was living with while still married to me.

That depressed me couldn’t function, affair, attorney, divorce, loss loss loss. It’s all I could feel the shattering of the lady who’s husband was living with another girl. This was a real-life nightmare, and I really wanted to wake up. 

 The hardest part? You ask?

What could get harder?

The cruel words  

“You pushed me.”

 “you're a terrible mother, and I should have never left the kids with you.” That one is the one that I battle on a daily. Nothing can take that one away. Because honestly, I am scared I will never be that mom they once had before the trauma of all this. I can’t be her; she is gone and isn’t coming back. I am scared that what if this is what they get? What if I never get better despite all the therapy and the work. What if this is the best they have now. 

The hard reality I want a pause or reset button, a magic pill that would take away the pain. I have wished I could make it all better and fix all. Truth it all sucks 2 years of it the beliefs my kids now have. I want all the pain and sorrow they have to be gone taken away. 

I can't take away that I can’t heal them. Crap, I have a hard enough time trying to heal me.  I cannot protect them from the bad and ugly.

This is what I do know, I can testify that Heavenly Father has that power. That he is the reason, I have been given the words to say when they have asked questions for which I didn’t know and also needed the answer. He is the comforter in all my shattered hard moments and when fear keeps destroying me over and over with the hard. 

When I say the hard loss of the people, I loved. I have also been blessed with people that have helped me—the very best people guiding the hard dark path. 

He has guided me, carried me, heard my prayers, He loves me. The hardest moments, he always sent someone to hold my tears fall in laps, listening ears.  Hands to hold on the very hardest days. He can and will give us strength even when the hard truths shattered all your pieces. 

Death on August 12th

Tauma that all came rushing back on one of another traumatic days in my life. It’s the day that I will now forever remember as not only my dads death but the day I saw it with my own eyes my husband was in fact cheating on me. Betrayal trauma makes you feel like you are losing your mind. Complete and utterly crazy and unless you have lived this crazy and I hoping you haven’t you can never truly explain it to anyone. It puts you on an emotional tailspin and pulls you in opposite directions until you are begging for mercy. This night I did just that begged for mercy from the man who had taken something special and tossed it aside like garbage. It yanks your sense of security out from under you and puts you in a state of emotional free fall. Fall I did from this day on August 12th is a day I have a hard time talking about. Breathe knocked from me. Betrayal Trauma, It is severely emotionally destruction, and until you have experienced it, you really can’t imagine how truly life-altering the experience can be.

This day Life altering once in 2002 and again in 2018. Death it was the death of my dad and then the death of me. 

From this moment on let me describe my mental state when it wasn’t wishing for death, praying for death it was all of this. My brain couldn’t and wouldn’t operate the same.  Fear that was a constant every waking moment sleepless nights, zombie days. Restlessness, anxiety and in constant guard not to mention the sadness. I couldn’t regulate my moods it was shock, disbelief, anger, devastation, I had been given exercises in therapy to help calm me along with medication to help with sleep and make me a zombie and I prefered that, the zombie compared to the having to feel a single bit of it. My heart hurt like physically hurt inside my body. I couldn’t reason with myself or make any intelligent decisions.  FEAR was at the center hijacking any normal function I had left. Every single task felt like the most challenging thing and I cried non stop. I was completely out of control. I was stretched to the limits and this was it the moment I died as I watched him walk out of that house with someone else and get in the car I text him immediately after and he responded. “You need to stop.” As if I don’t deserve a single answer no closure just trash that’s what I was to him trash. CPTSD ALSO CALLED CDMD betrayal trauma. All fancy words I have learned from the hours and $ spend on many therapists. Some excellent and some well not a great fit for me. 

What’s it like to be betrayed by a significant other,one that you admired and loved?

I now share this August 12th date of death. This traumatic stressor that was now premeditated, planned, and caused by another. My husband. This isn’t just a call he went on, an accident he handled this was a thought out planned meeting at his brother and sister inlaws house a block from my house. A violation of my marriage detrimental to my soul.  

Complex trauma is applied to adults who have experienced chronic relational trauma (for instance, ongoing sexual and emotional betrayal) that destroys the foundational trust in their primary relationship. In such cases, complex trauma theory accurately summarizes the levels of stress, distress, and emotional fragmentation that betrayed partners experience. This article was given to my by my therapist when I said you know I just don’t understand. Yep still trying to understand it all. 

That night, the wee hours of August 12th.

 information that had been given to me in text, phone calls and a manila envelope left on my car that left me sobbing and dry heaving in the shower. His words written to her in a sexually explicit email. The information I had now just seen with my own eyes. I couldn’t defend the rumor or him any longer or it would be me that was lying. As I watched my body got hot I started internally shaking, my knees buckled under me, my heart was racing, the thoughts were coming so fast I couldn’t even process them but I could not deny what I had seen and I was devestated. I was devestated for me and also my child that witnessed the same thing hours earlier. The shower of lies pouring out. Then I was cold and shaking and the panick attack, the spinning of the room my lungs trying to breath and I was lying on the side of the road waiting for it to end so I could go home. Tears that I had no idea a person could cry that many. One of the things I have learned in therapy is that feelings and emotions you feel in the body before they ever register in the mind. The body and all the magical things it will do like gearing up for the threat with adrenaline and cortisol. Fight, flight or shut down. Lucky for me mine would choose the panick attack as it’s mechanisam and shut right down.  

From this night on I lived in a emotional mess. It was the repeated discovery of the life I knew little to nothing about the LIES that kept me in that min by min day by day and month upon month.

The emotional rollercoaster that I wish I could just get off of. 

Difficulty concentrating, remembering, staying present. That a rough one for me. 

The body keeps the score (therapy homework assignment) indeed! Body based pain and discomfort like my heart that felt like I was being crushed the pain deep in my chest. 

Survival how is it that one survives the unfavorable, unfair, unjust? 

I thought of this many times in the last 2 years and all unfairness of the world has amplified a million times since this day 18 years ago. The cancer that would steal my dad away the day I share with THIS NEW TRAUMA. You may hear it the gossip the rumors but when you see it with your own eyes it something entirely different so this day August 12th isn’t just the day I would lose my dad. It is also a trauma that is trapped deep inside me.  He hadn’t left to “fix himself” it had all been a lie. August 12th the day of death! The death of me, the death of love the death of life. 

  Never in my wildest dreams did I think you would be one of the things I would have to survive. The trauma you caused has impacted my life in ways some can’t understand half the time I can’t understand it. 

Fragments of this date that have hit my heart and my mind has trouble with this autopilot of survival. 

Words I wish I never heard, words I wish I could never know. Heartbreak, gaslighting, betrayal trauma, co-dependent, reactive abuse, affair, DSM5, EMDR, triangulation, triggers, manipulation, all the fancy therapy words. 

I feel emotionally, mentally and even spiritually exhausted . It is far more than simple heartbreak. Somewhere in there I still try and find understanding. This isn’t a simple heartbreak it so much worse because it’s always haunting. A scar that no matter what your heart can’t recover.  

What’s even more heartbreaking is that friends and family suspected what was going on, and while they were ready to defend me, I was always trying to defend you. Defend because I loved and defend because I thought there was an ounce of tenderness left. 

Unfortunately, I was horribly mistaken, and no it came with no guide to overcome the damage that was caused. The tall mountain left to climb, I keep climbing because eventually I have to arrive or so I think! August 12 I am just going to try and survive the horrible memory of you. 

How to, WHAT?

I not sure whether to laugh at me or cry for me.

As I have struggled with writing the last few weeks, I just haven’t been in the right mindset to read any of it. People can be nasty, I knew going in I needed to prepare for the good and the bad of this. I know what it was going to do for me, and that was and will continue to be my main focus. HEALING 

The last post must have been a lot for a few people who decided to use mean words. The kind that cut you to the core, words like you know people don’t believe your lies. As if I hadn’t lived it and wished more than once that I could close my eyes and have none of it be true. If I could make it go away, I would do just that. Still, I did live this; it wasn’t something I choose, it's not something I wanted and if I could take it all back I would because the pain from living these moments have been hard to handle and even harder to explain and understand even with therapy. So guess what KAREN, don’t read, just keep right on scrolling.

Tonight I was feeling extra crappy about myself, extra crappy about the world, and so I picked up that journal. I held it for a very long moment convincing myself that the pages told my story the one I am ashamed of the one that haunts me and the one that ripped a gaping hole in my heart that I seriously doubt will ever be filled.

By as I slowly opened to that first page, my fingers slowly turned the page my hand smoothed the papers as if they could take the pain, erase the pain from the pages. I haven’t opened that book to the beginning for 2 long years, which seems like forever but still feels like yesterday. The hell that I lived, the lies, I believed, I read the words written by that girl, and I actually want to hit her. I want to smack the living crap out of her and say REALLY you believed that! The words I could hear my mouth speaking weren’t kind. (So don’t worry KAREN I got it covered) Like I said, I am not sure if I should laugh or cry or both at that me who fought so hard for what? Could someone tell me for what? KAREN care to chime in? Lies that hurt me beyond anything life has thrown at me thus far. The page I wanted to rip from the spine on that black journal the page I would have taken an eraser to if it hadn’t been written in ink. The page I wish maybe I could have skipped right over. But there it was, and I started laughing at me through the tears.

How to save your marriage Alone! 

Haha, oh honestly what a joke, how embarrassing did you seriously buy a book on how to save your marriage? The book I waisted $15 for the audio version.

How did that turn out for you, no not trying to trash the book but really? Why did I buy this why oh why did I think it was the magic key, I mean I have to give that girl some credit as she faithfully listened and took notes. Yes, notes as she listened in the journal. At one point, it said you can use this phrase. I mean, I not going to give the secret away just in case you want to read the book and give it a try. Oh, wait, I will spare you from spending the $.

This phrase was going to change it all. Are you ready? 

Remember how amazing this ______was and the love we shared?  We will always regret it if we don’t at least try to build that incredible connection before we throw it all away...

Yep, you guessed it. I used it, you know, I wrote it down in my little journal, and at the time I must have had a load of hope that it would work. It was going to be my saving grace, you know because the book said so, so I waited for the perfect day, and I sent it. I bet you can’t guess what day it was. You guessed it today. Why had I picked up that journal, and why had I read that page. Why because we had the year prior gone on an incredible 20-year trip. It was amazing. It was exceptional, and the time of my life, I wasn’t sure anything could top it. Now it won’t because I had no idea what secrets were already being kept the lies being told, and now it all just seems like that! The giant lie of a life I lived. That’s where I get stuck the fabrication of an experience I lived, and I didn’t even know it, but this girl the one writing on these pages that I now read she believed with all of her she could save it and you know she fought like HELL to do just that, and in the end, it broke her. It broke almost everything she ever believed in. Love, trust, always, and forever, it broke how she views herself and how she views the world and others. I wish I could go back and smack her hard and say it won’t make one damn bit of difference. You are wasting your time. In the end, you will be heartbroken. You will have to make hard choices that will make you cry every day you will do all the things you think are right. In the end, none of them will be enough let me punch you in the gut now so that the blow that’s coming can not hurt so much let me slap some sense into you so that the devastation won’t last so dang long let me punch you hard so maybe the tears won’t sting as they roll down your face when you lose all hope. When hope is lost, and your world goes dark because that’s what will happen if you keep trying to save something that you didn’t break. Oh, darling if only you could see the HELL that's coming because I promise you that you would run far away so that you won’t have to feel it.

But hear I sit reading her words and admiring the faith, she had to follow the promptings. I mean, I think maybe I deserve a refund from that audiobook. 

The truth I can’t save her as I read these words from a version of me that I can’t save, I can’t prevent her from wondering what she did so wrong that deserved this. I can’t keep her from the truth that she is soon to find out, I can’t save her from the lies. I can’t save her from then infidelity that's bigger than she could ever imagine. I can’t save her, so I stopped reading because I know how this will end her hope dies her heartbreaks and a wound is left that will never heal. I know how it ends and damn it if I don’t want to save her from it all if I don’t wake every day wishing it was different if I don’t cry more often then I want if my heart still hurts more than it should if I could just rip that page and make it all go away. But it won’t change a thing it happened; it’s real, and it sucks. I can’t pretend it away. I can’t close my eye and make it feel better. I can’t even live my life without something in my life every day, reminding me that it happened, and this is, in fact, my life the one I live after the trama that would change that girl on that page forever. 

She is different; she is guarded and dull and sad. She isn’t the same; she is missing pieces of her, and no matter how hard she tries, she can’t be her—a shell of her former self working hard to be something different than the girl on that page. 

Trying hard to find a piece of her that’s not shattered. 

She misses her old her but knows she will never return she died in the pages that are to follow, and I closed the book because I can’t stomach reading anymore as I see the sorrow that fills the next pages and the how to save your marriage alone was enough for one night. I might still be laughing through my tears on that brilliant idea, and I want my money back!