Triggers

trig·ger   (trgr)

An event that precipitates other events.

I have had many triggers and I have written about the triggers before, one happened that I didn’t expect, one that I didn’t even realize was even a trigger.

What happend?

Where did that even come from? 

We all have things that create our brain to remember things.

I was traveling home from work and there it was something I wasn’t prepared to see something I haven’t seen in 9 months since April 2018.

Something so simple as a white truck and that’s all it took the tears stared to roll down my checks. I couldn’t see and then I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t catch my breath what just happened? 

I finally had to pull my car over because I felt like I was going to pass out I could not get the air to form in my lungs and my eyes were so clouded with tears I couldn’t even see the road in the storm and now the storm from outside was building inside me...

Here I was now sobbing on the side of the road trying to catch my breath, trying to will my lungs into breathing in air. 

The memories of a white truck, a white patrol veichal was all it took to suck the air right out of me. For me to be right back in that day of April the last day I saw that truck, the day my world changed, the day I was left questioning everything.

 Unexpected trigger, unwanted trigger, the trigger can be small and insignificant, or they can be huge and life altering. They can leave you on the side of the road trying to catch your breath. I didn’t have the will power from allowing that trigger to stop the tears to once again flow down my face. For the air to be sucked from my lungs the trigger that left me sitting on the side of the road a mess.

I knew it was ridiculous haven’t I cried enough why am I sobbing on the side of the road because of a truck?

How stupid... Why am I so weak? Why can’t I just let go? Move on? Heal? Find myself? 

I have actually had many people say these exact things.

It’s time to let go...

Move on...

Your going to be so much better off...

You deserve better...

Just give it Time...

Oh I have a whole post written about TIME!!!

I have actually heard the words...

Why is she still struggling?

Why is she so sad? 

Why won’t she make eye contact? 

I wonder a lot of these same things almost daily. What’s next? 

This I know the lord is mindful of me, we had stake conference and I have been praying for the answers to many of the above statements about me.

The moment I walked in Saturday night I knew the lord provided a way for me to be there that night because he needed me to hear and listen. YES I struggle at times to know his truth . 

As soon as the speakers started speaking I knew the lord was giving me my answers.  I am not sure anyone else in that room needed to hear any of it, but I know it’s was what I had been asking. Me small insignificant me, was being answered, getting the words I needed spoken by the opening speaker and again by the closing speaker last night.

The truth of this witnessed by the one who walks on water. My ministering angel leaned over to me as the tears rolled down my face and said the lord is speaking to you. This is for you. He knows you and this is just for you! I knew it and so did she. 

Remember the lord knows our struggles,  he knows our triggers.  He isn’t asking why are you crying? Why haven’t you moved on? Why are you struggling? He isn’t expecting me to just be okay, he isn’t asking why are you praying for this again. He isn’t saying just move on,  let go, he isn’t telling me to give it time. 

He is loving me when I am unlovable, he is carrying me when I can’t find the strength to get out of bed. He is crying right along with me as I sob on the side of the road because of a trigger I didn’t ask for. He is listening to all my same prayers yes even the ones I keep asking over and over again the ones that he knows have shattered me. I know he wants me to heal he wants me to be whole again and he has sent so many to minister unto me to help carry my heavy burdens in life. The pure love of Christ. 

HE IS ALWAYS LISTENING AND HE KNOWS!