It's hard talking about things that are so private, things that are humiliating, the things that make you vulnerable, the very things that have shattered you to your very core.
The things that have made you feel like a failure in every sense of the word. How do you open up all the darkest parts that your have spent your entire life protecting?
I had this overwhelming feeling in 2014 to write my story, I shared a little.
I wrote it all, blogged it all and never published it. I know with certainty I am to share my story, I don’t know why? I have tried to ignore that promoting from the spirit since July when the answer to my prayer was SHARE, tell others your story. I have gotten that answer many times since. I have written and written pages and pages, the writing was easy it’s the SHARING that is difficult.
I am putting all my faith in the lord, knowing that his plan for me is greater than my own.
My words from 2014
I was living my perfect life I had married the love of my life, we were building this amazing life, had a beautiful daughter. I was happy, blissfully happy thought I had it all, I was living my dream. Then it came this nagging feeling, something was wrong I knew it I felt it. I couldn't quite figure out what exactly.
The distance that was now forming in my marriage. I asked if everything was fine many times, getting the same answer YES, I am happy. I started to just feel crazy, act crazy, then told I was crazy. I actually believed I was crazy. If I was crazy why wouldn’t that nagging feeling just go away? I prayed about it, asked the lord to help me understand why I was feeling this way. That still small voice wasn’t small it was now yelling at me to listen trying to warn me that something was wrong and deep down I knew it!
I watched, I listened, looking for something anything to prove I actually was just crazy!
I would have taken crazy over what this nagging feeling was telling me.
Then a conversation with a friend about how touchy one of our other friends, my closest friends at the time was with my husband!
There it was the nagging feeling being witnessed by another.
I wasn’t clueless I had noticed this, I trusted my friend and trusted my husband. I knew if I asked I would be told the same thing by both of them it’s nothing and again I would be left feeling crazy.
Funny thing about small towns, we all knew eachother, we all hung out in the same circle of friends, not to mention that she had actually dated my husband in high school. That nagging feeling was now uncomfortable, I no longer wanted my friend alone with my husband.
Some of the last advice I would receive from my dad was this. “Elise nothing is wrong with stopping a friendship if it making you feel uncomfortable.” So I did just that, I kept my distance.
2 years later our kids would end up in the same carpool and lines of communication would open again.
At this point I had another baby she was 8 months old, and I had just watched my dad lose his year long battle fighting cancer.
I would come to regret that carpool decision. Allowing any kind of friendship again. Forgiving and forgetting! This time around when the nagging feeling began I kept it to myself, I watch and waited knowing exactly what the nagging feeling was and I wasn’t going to be called crazy. I had just found out we would be expecting our third child when the truth I had know deep down, the truth I had been dreading all along became real. My husband was having an affair with my friend.
The months that followed would be an emotional battle I wasn’t prepared for. My husband left for a training for work, the pregnancy and now I was carrying a secret his lies.
I knew my job was to protect this unborn child, now I was going to do it for the next 16 weeks alone while he was at training. ALONE taking care of a 6 year old and a 2 year old. I was a mess crying all the time, I finally had to close myself off to everything so I could cope with life, so I could function. I did what I had to just to get us through each and every day. I cut all ties with that so called friend. I was hurt by her, and I was shattered by my husband choice, for what they had now done twice. I knew the first time I actually wasn’t crazy like they said, and now no excuse either of them could give or lie about was ever going to make it better or make it all go away.
Life went on and I kept that secret from the world. I lost 25 lbs that pregnancy, I had just gotten a softball coaching job at the high school and I would coach pregnant and void of any and all emotion because if I let them out I would be letting people see a broken weak me. I had always been this tough strong girl, and I wasn’t about to let anyone see anything but that. I was living a lie. Because of this lie, I would cry alone at night or in the shower, because this secret was eating me alive and I was alone.
He sent me an earthly Angel, he did that with a friend who said one day to me Elise I know. The relief that washed over me knowing I wasn’t going have to try and heal alone.
He believes in me! I know he is the only one that can help heal this shattered heart and help me love the unshattered pieces of myself. Having faith that HIS plan is always going to be greater than MY own. Only He can direct you to the unshattered pieces!
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