The Choice

How much times would I spend, wishing,  praying that I wasn’t just a choice that could so easily be walked away from!  Choose me, love, me, want me!  Want the life we had built, the family and memories we had created. The good time and the bad time. The life I was willing and did fight for.

What was wrong with me?  

Why would I beg to be picked?

 Was I just a choice of many like what kind of soda your going to drink? 

Yes the sad truth is after 7 years of marriage I was just that, a choice. I would question it all. Did he choose me because I was pregnant with his baby? Did he pick me because he had been caught?  Was I just an option?  That hard reality was slapping me in the face.  Things were rough for a LONG  time after #1-2. I had a lot to deal with pregnancy, secrets, lies, death. I did the only thing I could do.  I lived! I went back to school. Got a job working graveyards in a nursing home and we sold our house and moved. The lord had guided us to one of the greatest choice we could have made in healing.  Moving out of the past and living in the present and loving every minute of it.

I was able to forgive.

Plan was to move in with mom and build a home.  My dad had asked when he was dying,  if my mom ever needed help, would we move in and take care of her? We didn’t move in because she needed help. After living there for a year we both felt so right about it that we stayed we knew this is where we were suppose to be.

 Yes I said Forgive I made a choice that I would forgive because we all make mistakes we all do things to hurt others and I know what forgiveness is and I had freely given it, loved unconditionally. I knew I could not be forgiven of my wrongs if I couldn’t forgive. The thing about Forgiving, you will find that it’s easy to forgive and love again, that is the simple part. The hard part is your mind allowing the forgetting. I learned your mind doesn’t allow that so easy. I battled with my mind in many ways.  Every now and then it would hit me the thoughts that!

ARE YOUR ENOUGH!

Promises were made!  A mistake and it would never happen again.

Life went on and we loved those 3 babies, living life to the fullest. Watched many around us struggle.  The lord showed us why he lead us to this move. We were able to help others through their struggle because of this choice to move. We where there for my sisters heartbreaking divorce. I remember watching that and thinking I am so glad that wasn’t us. That we had turned it around and had worked hard for this eternal family. We were living the gospel to the fullest. Attending the temple every month with our friends. They had lost their little 4 year old boy tragically.  Watching them endure that was so heart breaking. Us having a little boy the same age. It made me so thankful for the gospel and the plan of salvation. 

We would have the opportunity to sit in the temple with that family and watch them be sealed. Given the opportunity to have that little boy they lost sealed to them and there new baby girl. The spirit in that room had us all in tears. 

We knew we were meant to be right where we were. The lord had shown and testified it. 

I had been called as the  young women’s president in our ward and was loving the girls and learning so much from them. Life was great or so I thought. 

Year 14 it happened that familiar spirit. I tell my kids all the time it’s my super power. We all have them super powers that the lord give us. Mine? The lord has given me the amazing gift to recognize promptings, warning of dangers and problems. It had happened many times in my life and no denying where it had come from the spirit helping me know.  There it was back and it started nudging, something was wrong, somethings really wrong that old so familiar feeling I had recognize from the past and I was scared. 

Then the thoughts returned.

AM I ENOUGH? 

It all spinning In my mind.

Is this real...  Can this be happening??? Why am I not enough.... will I ever be??? What is happening??? Am I reall just crazy??? What? How? Why? When? Where? Who? Truth... lies...triangulation... gaslighting... manipulation... hurt... pain... doubt... loss... heartbreak... secrets... lies...broken... shattered... 

NO... NO...NO...

Trust... believe...love...eternal... marriage... kids... promises...amazing... happy...believe...

I again got on my knees and begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father that I was actually was ENOUGH!!!