DOUBT wondering if anything you ever knew for the last 25 years were actually real? I was told it was fake that some how someone faked it all! How does one say they faked all of the moments that were so real to me.
The moments that made up the last 25 years of my life? My happy times, my sad times, the life I spend so many hours creating and enjoying were fake to someone I shared all of them with? I have spent a lot of hours on my knees and in counsling trying to understand this comment. I was told by a good friend and at a later date by my councilor that all that matters are they were real to me.
I try very hard each and every day to remember that It indeed was real to me I didn’t fake any of it.
Doubt has made me question everything about myself, who I am, what I am, every decision and every emotion.
SADNESS I have spent so many days not being able to pull myself out of bed, not being able to eat, being able to focus, I want to blame it on the lack of sleep but it is the sadness that prevents my sleeping. I have lived in this sadness and watched the sadness of my own children wondering how I can help them when I struggle to even help myself.
Here I am the mother failing because I couldn’t help my own kids because my heart is shattered on a different level then their hearts. I am unable help them understand because for months I didn't have the answers to the never ending questions being asked because I didnt know the truth I didn’t UNDERSTAND!
FEAR is a constant, everyone watching me, I tried to not go out in public because of the fear of having to answer questions, fear of having people look at me, people staring, or anyone asking me questions I don’t know the answers. Fear of the phone ringing or a text coming through because I feared who it is or what the message would say, truths that were being told to me and lies I was living. The fear of actually hearing and knowing the whole truth of it all. The truth I wanted from the one person who refused to give it to me and let me hear it from so many others.
Fear because I was left to clean up the mess I was left with and I didn’t know how. Am I strong enough to do so? Fear that my kids would find out the truth of it all from someone else and that fear kept me from saying anything to them and in the end they did find out from others and again I had failed as a mother because of fear.
Fear on making any decision because would it be the right one?
Fear that I can not take the pain away from my kids. I can not take away the sadness or doubt.
I know that my Heavely father is very mindful of all of these my doubt, my sadness and my fear. I know that he alone has the power to help with all of these not just for myself but also my kids. He is the way we find peace. Many times this song was sent to me. I love it and it makes me cry everytime I hear it.
https://www.lds.org/youth/theme/2018?lang=eng
He is where I turned for the strength I needed for the questions I couldn’t answer. Where I turned when fear tired and almost destroyed me.
I have been blessed to be the mother even when I felt I was failing in every sense of the word. We are his sons and daughters and he wants us to feel that peace, even if it isn’t coming all at once and just in bits and pieces. Some days all I can feels is doubt, sadness and fear. I know he is always there and never leaves us.
You did the right thing by sharing. You have confirmed to my heart and my spirit bears witness that the Lord is speaking to me through you...God Bless you!
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