- 1.for what reason or purpose."why did he do it?"
- 1.(with reference to a reason) on account of which; for which."the reason why flu shots need repeating every year is that the virus changes"
- 1.expressing surprise or indignation."why, that's absurd!"
- 2.used to add emphasis to a response."“You think so?” “Why, yes.”"
- 1.a reason or explanation."the whys and wherefores of these procedures need to be explained to students"
This was the question I started asking myself 18 years ago when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The question I have asked again the last year.
That 23 year old me wanted to know the reason then and I want to know the reason now.
For the first time in life my faith and testimony were truly being tested.
I knew bad things happened and nobody was spared from bad things happening and trials. I watched them happen to other people. I guess at that young age I just felt secure, thought not me.
I remember just finding out I was expecting our middle child after trying for a year. when the news nobody’s wants to receive.
The phone call nobody wants.
My dad called and I said how did the Dr. go?
His reply they want me to go see an oncologist!
What?
I knew what an oncologist was and fear set in.
The words that shattered...
Stage 4 esophageal cancer?
What?
How?
WHY?
I thought the test came back Negative?
He said they made a mistake when they said negative result...
What?
Why?
Why?
In that moment I let hope outweigh fear. Light outweigh darkness.
Here I was pregnant, alone as my husband was gone to training at work and I just found out my dad has cancer.
I would spend days, weeks at my parents house watching my dad battle this ugly monster that was trying to kill him.
Chemo was nasty and I remember sharing that bathroom with him me throwing up because of morning sickness and him throwing up because of the chemo. We joked about fighting over the bathroom. That summer of 01 was long and I watched that cancer slowly eat away at that big strong man.
My dad, my Hero!
Faith, Hope & Patience and a lot of prayers. Its was the only things all of us had to hold onto...
In January I would give birth to a 9lb 11 oz beautiful baby girl...
My dad void of all the picture’s he came to a point he refused to be photographed at all he didn’t want to be remember in photos as the cancer patient.
The last ordinance he did was the blessing of my beautiful baby girl, giving her a name and blessing. To this day I wish I, or someone would have written down that blessing. So many missed opportunities. So much regret.
Just one year after diagnosis May 2002 the scans, they would say that after all the chemo and radiation the cancer had spread it was in his bones it was everywhere there wasn’t much more they could do. Options would be another round of chemo but it would just give him TIME...
The news was devastating!!!
My dad, my hero was going to die.
I lived in denial I prayed harder than I had in life up to this point. I begged, pleaded and bargained with the lord to save him.
My dad looked at me and said I choose quality over quantity and I won’t be doing any more chemo it makes me so sick.
I am done no more fighting.
Hope was gone fear set in and so did the darkness.
Hospice was called to arrange to make him comfortable for what would be his final months.
the lord sent angels during all of this the many people that helped finish my moms house, the meals, the money donated. The most special gift my dads aunt who stayed with him daily so my mom could continue to work. The many tender mercies on my family’s behalf, I watched them all, amazed by them all. Blessed by the light and kindness of others.
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday asking my dad, WHY?
I said I understand that it’s your time but why do we have to watch you suffer and deteriorate into nothing? WHY cancer? WHY?
His simple answer that I try to actually hear in his voice was this.
Elise never ask WHY? The lord has a plan and there is a reason maybe the reason is for me, maybe it’s for you or someone else but this is what had to happen to prepare, strengthen, to learn and to grow.
My dad was teaching me lessons while I was watching him die. He was humbled beyond anything I have ever experienced, and I learned a lot staying there the summer of 01.
I remember the phone call August 12, 2002 and the guilt I carry with me to this day for not taking him on that last wheelchair walk like I promised. I left that for a birthday party and told him I would go back. The regret I feel for not going over that morning because I was making a bouquet for a wedding. Things I put over spending every last minute with him...
That phone call that shattered. I though it was my dad asking why I wasn’t there yet. I answered and it was my mom and she said Elise dad died. Regret that none of his girlees where there when he went. He died with his aunt there, because we were all going about our daily lives.
Again WHY?
I remember him telling me a story when his mom passed away how he was in the room with her and he had put his head down on his arm and he saw two sets of feet walk into the room, he looked up and saw nobody, he put his head back down and watched 3 sets walk out. How close the veil is to us when we are so close to crossing over. He told me that he knew her parents had come to get her and she was gone!
I live with the belief that his parents came for him and escorted him to the other side. What a great reunion that must have been.
We will all experience death we will all have to grieve the loss of someone we love, someone who means the world to us.
How will we grieve?
How will we go on?
I testify that we will see our loved ones again, I know without a shadow of a doubt my dad has been there in some of my most recent darkest moments my moments of fear. Helping me loving me. We all have them they are waiting and watching us from the other side cheering us on. I knew my dad was free of pain free of this mortal body that was weak, holding him back. I know he fought with everything he had I know he had faith. He told me he had enough faith that if he was suppose to be cured they could put water in his IV and he would be cured.
He said his only regret was that he was leaving this world without his girlees... That’s what he called us, my mom and my 4 sisters his Girlees! I know he loved us.
I know he wanted to take us with him, but knew we all had a mission to fulfill on this earth.
I haven’t taken his advice to not ask WHY? I still find myself asking WHY from time to time. The lord sends moments in life to change us and this was one of those moments for me. The moment I watched the most amazing, strongest man I love die. He died and took a shattered piece of me with him.
Don’t let fear replace faith and don’t let the darkness take away your light in your moments of WHY?
WHATS YOUR WHY?
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