No Clear Path

What do you do when the path changes?

The path you were on was happy, full of joy and greatness. You don’t want to now leave that path to pick another.

You are forced to make a choice, the problem is there is no clear path? No matter what you do you can’t see what the path will bring in the end.

You want to pick the path of happiness, the path of love, laughter and joy. There are no guarantees, both paths before you have pain. You look back wanting that path but you can’t turn back or run back down it’s gone. Compromised, disintegration and nobody including you can bring it back or fix it. 

So you choose! 

 I knew with certainty I didn’t want to do any of it without the one person I knelt across the alter with. The person I covenanted and promised with the person I am sealed to for time and all eternity. I knew I wanted to do the good and the bad always & forever.

I didn’t want to grieve.

I didn’t want to do this pregnancy.

I didn’t want to have this baby.

I didn’t want to parent.

I didn’t want to do any of it alone.

It’s not what I promised or what was promised.

I fought with everything I had to forgive and than did my very best to forget.

I wanted what we had built, I wanted the life I imagined, the life I planed. I wanted our seemingly happy life. 

I had always been this strong tough girl and I could do this.  I believed in myself and I knew I could fix this. I wasn’t this weak sad girl. I was young and nieve enough to think I could do it alone. The lord sends us help, it comes in many forms but too often we insist on doing it ourselves.

We are capable of waking through life by ourselves but isn’t it better with people we love and who love you? 

I might have disliked him but I didn’t just stop loveing him.  I just wanted the whole story I wanted the truth I couldn’t change the past even if it was painful.

If You have ever grieved you know grief has many different stages. It’s a process and takes time. These stages come in no particular order. You may have one or all of them together. You might actually go through one and feel you dealt with it only to have it reappear. 

• Denial
• Anger/Guilt
• Bargaining
• Sadness/Depression 
• Acceptance

I was still grieving the death of my dad and now I was grieving something unfamiliar. I was grieving a piece of myself.

Denial that’s what I did when I first found out about my dad, now I tried it again.  I could pretend it wasn’t real and go right back to living that happy life.

This stage never lasts long because the truth has a way of smacking you in the face, death happened, infidelity happened it was real and my heart and my head knew it. 

I couldn’t hide the pregnancy for long with the weight I was losing my belly was growing. Sadness swirling with all the thoughts, all the lies, betrayal, secrets. I remember the phone conversation like it was yesterday. Her asking what I was going to tell people and if her family were going to find out. I remember telling both I would not lie for them. That was actually the first of many lies I would tell. The loss I felt and the pain was unimaginable, a pain that is only describable to those who have lived it. 

I was still in shock, and pregnant. Sadness was mixed with anger and I came to find the anger melts the sadness and depression away.

I was angry at him, at her , at myself, at my dad, and I was angry with God!

Then it happened I started blaming myself. I started to find all my flaws and comparing myself to her.

Could I have done this.

What if I would have done that.

If I were this or that. 

Why wasn’t I enough?

This was the first time I have felt like I wasn’t enough for the first time since the Elsie the cow stage. I hadn’t questioned if I were enough since meeting him when I was 15. 

Bargaining that’s what I was doing. 

I tried doing it with myself and the lord.

I think of grief like a Scab. 

The slice of the knife the truth nobody’s wants to know. The bleeding of the wound  that finally forms a scab. You try not to pick because you don’t want to make it bleed again. You can’t see the original wound because a dark scab is covering it and you want it to just go away you don’t want to watch it slowly heal you want it to heal now. You don’t want to feel it.  it’s a reminder of what happened. The day comes and finally it heals the scab falls of and the scar remains and you try not to look. You try not to notice it,  You try not to let anyone else see it.

I became void of emotion starving myself from feeling, building a wall up around that shattered heart to hold all the pieces.

My acceptance came from an unexpected pregnancy that would be my light.  That little boy was a gift to help carry me, to heal me. I would grow him and know that I would hold him in my arms and love him with every Unshattered piece of me. These 3 beautiful amazing spirits the lord had Intrusted me with.  The love of a child is one of the most powerful gifts I was given. It helped me through the darkness and into the light. They like the lord can see you all the piece of you and they love you unconditionally. 

It comes from the death of my dad, that would inspire a move that would be beneficial for us and how the lord put us on the path to help other because of that move. 

A million little things every day.

A new beginning we can try to mend the shattered pieces inside us. 

We have to look inside ourself. 

Looking within is hard seeing the good parts and the bad parts. Seeking the parts that are Unshattered amongst the weakness, the flaws, the wounds. Only then can we start to heal. 

The lord knows our paths he can see them past, present and future paths, he can and will guide and direct you because he sees you, he knows you and he wants all that is good for you. Because he comes as the light in the darkness to help guide the way.