The Choice

How much times would I spend, wishing,  praying that I wasn’t just a choice that could so easily be walked away from!  Choose me, love, me, want me!  Want the life we had built, the family and memories we had created. The good time and the bad time. The life I was willing and did fight for.

What was wrong with me?  

Why would I beg to be picked?

 Was I just a choice of many like what kind of soda your going to drink? 

Yes the sad truth is after 7 years of marriage I was just that, a choice. I would question it all. Did he choose me because I was pregnant with his baby? Did he pick me because he had been caught?  Was I just an option?  That hard reality was slapping me in the face.  Things were rough for a LONG  time after #1-2. I had a lot to deal with pregnancy, secrets, lies, death. I did the only thing I could do.  I lived! I went back to school. Got a job working graveyards in a nursing home and we sold our house and moved. The lord had guided us to one of the greatest choice we could have made in healing.  Moving out of the past and living in the present and loving every minute of it.

I was able to forgive.

Plan was to move in with mom and build a home.  My dad had asked when he was dying,  if my mom ever needed help, would we move in and take care of her? We didn’t move in because she needed help. After living there for a year we both felt so right about it that we stayed we knew this is where we were suppose to be.

 Yes I said Forgive I made a choice that I would forgive because we all make mistakes we all do things to hurt others and I know what forgiveness is and I had freely given it, loved unconditionally. I knew I could not be forgiven of my wrongs if I couldn’t forgive. The thing about Forgiving, you will find that it’s easy to forgive and love again, that is the simple part. The hard part is your mind allowing the forgetting. I learned your mind doesn’t allow that so easy. I battled with my mind in many ways.  Every now and then it would hit me the thoughts that!

ARE YOUR ENOUGH!

Promises were made!  A mistake and it would never happen again.

Life went on and we loved those 3 babies, living life to the fullest. Watched many around us struggle.  The lord showed us why he lead us to this move. We were able to help others through their struggle because of this choice to move. We where there for my sisters heartbreaking divorce. I remember watching that and thinking I am so glad that wasn’t us. That we had turned it around and had worked hard for this eternal family. We were living the gospel to the fullest. Attending the temple every month with our friends. They had lost their little 4 year old boy tragically.  Watching them endure that was so heart breaking. Us having a little boy the same age. It made me so thankful for the gospel and the plan of salvation. 

We would have the opportunity to sit in the temple with that family and watch them be sealed. Given the opportunity to have that little boy they lost sealed to them and there new baby girl. The spirit in that room had us all in tears. 

We knew we were meant to be right where we were. The lord had shown and testified it. 

I had been called as the  young women’s president in our ward and was loving the girls and learning so much from them. Life was great or so I thought. 

Year 14 it happened that familiar spirit. I tell my kids all the time it’s my super power. We all have them super powers that the lord give us. Mine? The lord has given me the amazing gift to recognize promptings, warning of dangers and problems. It had happened many times in my life and no denying where it had come from the spirit helping me know.  There it was back and it started nudging, something was wrong, somethings really wrong that old so familiar feeling I had recognize from the past and I was scared. 

Then the thoughts returned.

AM I ENOUGH? 

It all spinning In my mind.

Is this real...  Can this be happening??? Why am I not enough.... will I ever be??? What is happening??? Am I reall just crazy??? What? How? Why? When? Where? Who? Truth... lies...triangulation... gaslighting... manipulation... hurt... pain... doubt... loss... heartbreak... secrets... lies...broken... shattered... 

NO... NO...NO...

Trust... believe...love...eternal... marriage... kids... promises...amazing... happy...believe...

I again got on my knees and begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father that I was actually was ENOUGH!!!

No Clear Path

What do you do when the path changes?

The path you were on was happy, full of joy and greatness. You don’t want to now leave that path to pick another.

You are forced to make a choice, the problem is there is no clear path? No matter what you do you can’t see what the path will bring in the end.

You want to pick the path of happiness, the path of love, laughter and joy. There are no guarantees, both paths before you have pain. You look back wanting that path but you can’t turn back or run back down it’s gone. Compromised, disintegration and nobody including you can bring it back or fix it. 

So you choose! 

 I knew with certainty I didn’t want to do any of it without the one person I knelt across the alter with. The person I covenanted and promised with the person I am sealed to for time and all eternity. I knew I wanted to do the good and the bad always & forever.

I didn’t want to grieve.

I didn’t want to do this pregnancy.

I didn’t want to have this baby.

I didn’t want to parent.

I didn’t want to do any of it alone.

It’s not what I promised or what was promised.

I fought with everything I had to forgive and than did my very best to forget.

I wanted what we had built, I wanted the life I imagined, the life I planed. I wanted our seemingly happy life. 

I had always been this strong tough girl and I could do this.  I believed in myself and I knew I could fix this. I wasn’t this weak sad girl. I was young and nieve enough to think I could do it alone. The lord sends us help, it comes in many forms but too often we insist on doing it ourselves.

We are capable of waking through life by ourselves but isn’t it better with people we love and who love you? 

I might have disliked him but I didn’t just stop loveing him.  I just wanted the whole story I wanted the truth I couldn’t change the past even if it was painful.

If You have ever grieved you know grief has many different stages. It’s a process and takes time. These stages come in no particular order. You may have one or all of them together. You might actually go through one and feel you dealt with it only to have it reappear. 

• Denial
• Anger/Guilt
• Bargaining
• Sadness/Depression 
• Acceptance

I was still grieving the death of my dad and now I was grieving something unfamiliar. I was grieving a piece of myself.

Denial that’s what I did when I first found out about my dad, now I tried it again.  I could pretend it wasn’t real and go right back to living that happy life.

This stage never lasts long because the truth has a way of smacking you in the face, death happened, infidelity happened it was real and my heart and my head knew it. 

I couldn’t hide the pregnancy for long with the weight I was losing my belly was growing. Sadness swirling with all the thoughts, all the lies, betrayal, secrets. I remember the phone conversation like it was yesterday. Her asking what I was going to tell people and if her family were going to find out. I remember telling both I would not lie for them. That was actually the first of many lies I would tell. The loss I felt and the pain was unimaginable, a pain that is only describable to those who have lived it. 

I was still in shock, and pregnant. Sadness was mixed with anger and I came to find the anger melts the sadness and depression away.

I was angry at him, at her , at myself, at my dad, and I was angry with God!

Then it happened I started blaming myself. I started to find all my flaws and comparing myself to her.

Could I have done this.

What if I would have done that.

If I were this or that. 

Why wasn’t I enough?

This was the first time I have felt like I wasn’t enough for the first time since the Elsie the cow stage. I hadn’t questioned if I were enough since meeting him when I was 15. 

Bargaining that’s what I was doing. 

I tried doing it with myself and the lord.

I think of grief like a Scab. 

The slice of the knife the truth nobody’s wants to know. The bleeding of the wound  that finally forms a scab. You try not to pick because you don’t want to make it bleed again. You can’t see the original wound because a dark scab is covering it and you want it to just go away you don’t want to watch it slowly heal you want it to heal now. You don’t want to feel it.  it’s a reminder of what happened. The day comes and finally it heals the scab falls of and the scar remains and you try not to look. You try not to notice it,  You try not to let anyone else see it.

I became void of emotion starving myself from feeling, building a wall up around that shattered heart to hold all the pieces.

My acceptance came from an unexpected pregnancy that would be my light.  That little boy was a gift to help carry me, to heal me. I would grow him and know that I would hold him in my arms and love him with every Unshattered piece of me. These 3 beautiful amazing spirits the lord had Intrusted me with.  The love of a child is one of the most powerful gifts I was given. It helped me through the darkness and into the light. They like the lord can see you all the piece of you and they love you unconditionally. 

It comes from the death of my dad, that would inspire a move that would be beneficial for us and how the lord put us on the path to help other because of that move. 

A million little things every day.

A new beginning we can try to mend the shattered pieces inside us. 

We have to look inside ourself. 

Looking within is hard seeing the good parts and the bad parts. Seeking the parts that are Unshattered amongst the weakness, the flaws, the wounds. Only then can we start to heal. 

The lord knows our paths he can see them past, present and future paths, he can and will guide and direct you because he sees you, he knows you and he wants all that is good for you. Because he comes as the light in the darkness to help guide the way. 

Triggers

trig·ger   (trgr)

An event that precipitates other events.

I have had many triggers and I have written about the triggers before, one happened that I didn’t expect, one that I didn’t even realize was even a trigger.

What happend?

Where did that even come from? 

We all have things that create our brain to remember things.

I was traveling home from work and there it was something I wasn’t prepared to see something I haven’t seen in 9 months since April 2018.

Something so simple as a white truck and that’s all it took the tears stared to roll down my checks. I couldn’t see and then I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t catch my breath what just happened? 

I finally had to pull my car over because I felt like I was going to pass out I could not get the air to form in my lungs and my eyes were so clouded with tears I couldn’t even see the road in the storm and now the storm from outside was building inside me...

Here I was now sobbing on the side of the road trying to catch my breath, trying to will my lungs into breathing in air. 

The memories of a white truck, a white patrol veichal was all it took to suck the air right out of me. For me to be right back in that day of April the last day I saw that truck, the day my world changed, the day I was left questioning everything.

 Unexpected trigger, unwanted trigger, the trigger can be small and insignificant, or they can be huge and life altering. They can leave you on the side of the road trying to catch your breath. I didn’t have the will power from allowing that trigger to stop the tears to once again flow down my face. For the air to be sucked from my lungs the trigger that left me sitting on the side of the road a mess.

I knew it was ridiculous haven’t I cried enough why am I sobbing on the side of the road because of a truck?

How stupid... Why am I so weak? Why can’t I just let go? Move on? Heal? Find myself? 

I have actually had many people say these exact things.

It’s time to let go...

Move on...

Your going to be so much better off...

You deserve better...

Just give it Time...

Oh I have a whole post written about TIME!!!

I have actually heard the words...

Why is she still struggling?

Why is she so sad? 

Why won’t she make eye contact? 

I wonder a lot of these same things almost daily. What’s next? 

This I know the lord is mindful of me, we had stake conference and I have been praying for the answers to many of the above statements about me.

The moment I walked in Saturday night I knew the lord provided a way for me to be there that night because he needed me to hear and listen. YES I struggle at times to know his truth . 

As soon as the speakers started speaking I knew the lord was giving me my answers.  I am not sure anyone else in that room needed to hear any of it, but I know it’s was what I had been asking. Me small insignificant me, was being answered, getting the words I needed spoken by the opening speaker and again by the closing speaker last night.

The truth of this witnessed by the one who walks on water. My ministering angel leaned over to me as the tears rolled down my face and said the lord is speaking to you. This is for you. He knows you and this is just for you! I knew it and so did she. 

Remember the lord knows our struggles,  he knows our triggers.  He isn’t asking why are you crying? Why haven’t you moved on? Why are you struggling? He isn’t expecting me to just be okay, he isn’t asking why are you praying for this again. He isn’t saying just move on,  let go, he isn’t telling me to give it time. 

He is loving me when I am unlovable, he is carrying me when I can’t find the strength to get out of bed. He is crying right along with me as I sob on the side of the road because of a trigger I didn’t ask for. He is listening to all my same prayers yes even the ones I keep asking over and over again the ones that he knows have shattered me. I know he wants me to heal he wants me to be whole again and he has sent so many to minister unto me to help carry my heavy burdens in life. The pure love of Christ. 

HE IS ALWAYS LISTENING AND HE KNOWS! 

WHY?

why

/(h)wī/

adverb

1. 1. 

   for what reason or purpose.

   "why did he do it?"

adverb

1. 1. 

   (with reference to a reason) on account of which; for which.

   "the reason why flu shots need repeating every year is that the virus changes"

exclamation

1. 1. 

   expressing surprise or indignation.

   "why, that's absurd!"
2. 2. 

   used to add emphasis to a response.

   "“You think so?” “Why, yes.”"

noun

1. 1. 

   a reason or explanation.

   "the whys and wherefores of these procedures need to be explained to students"

This was the question I started asking myself 18 years ago when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The question I have asked again the last year. 

That 23 year old me wanted to know the reason then and I want to know the reason now.

For the first time in life my faith and testimony were truly being tested. 

 I knew bad things happened and nobody was spared from bad things happening and trials. I watched them happen to other people. I guess at that young age I just felt secure, thought not me. 

I remember just finding out I was expecting our middle child after trying for a year. when the news nobody’s wants to receive. 

The phone call nobody wants.

My dad called and I said how did the Dr. go? 

His reply they want me to go see an oncologist!

What? 

I knew what an oncologist was and fear set in.

The words that shattered...

Stage 4 esophageal cancer?

What?

How?

WHY?

I thought the test came back Negative?

He said they made a mistake when they said negative result...

What? 

Why?

Why?

In that moment I let hope outweigh fear. Light outweigh darkness. 

Here I was pregnant, alone as my husband was gone to training at work and I just found out my dad has cancer.

I would spend days, weeks at my parents house watching my dad battle this ugly monster that was trying to kill him.

 Chemo was nasty and I remember sharing that bathroom with him me throwing up because of morning sickness and him throwing up because of the chemo. We joked about fighting over the bathroom. That summer of 01 was long and I watched that cancer slowly eat away at that big strong man. 

My dad, my Hero!

Faith, Hope & Patience and a lot of prayers.  Its was the only things all of us had to hold onto...

In January I would give birth to a 9lb 11 oz beautiful baby girl...

My dad void of all the picture’s he came to a point he refused to be photographed at all he didn’t want to be remember in photos as the cancer patient. 

The last ordinance he did was the blessing of my beautiful baby girl,  giving her a name and blessing. To this day I wish I, or someone would have written down that blessing. So many missed opportunities. So much regret. 

Just one year after diagnosis May 2002 the scans,  they would say that after all the chemo and radiation the cancer had spread it was in his bones it was everywhere there wasn’t much more they could do. Options would be another round of chemo but it would just give him TIME...

The news was devastating!!!

My dad, my hero was going to die.

I lived in denial I prayed harder than I had in life up to this point. I begged, pleaded and bargained with the lord to save him. 

My dad looked at me and said I choose quality over quantity and I won’t be doing any more chemo it makes me so sick.

I am done no more fighting. 

Hope was gone fear set in and so did the darkness. 

Hospice was called to arrange to make him comfortable for what would be his final months.  

the lord sent angels during all of this the many people that helped finish my moms house, the meals, the money donated. The most special gift my dads aunt who stayed with him daily so my mom could continue to work. The many tender mercies on my family’s behalf, I watched them all, amazed by them all. Blessed by the light and kindness of others. 

 

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday asking my dad, WHY?

I said I understand that it’s your time but why do we have to watch you suffer and deteriorate into nothing? WHY cancer? WHY? 

His simple answer that I try to actually hear in his voice was this.

Elise never ask WHY? The lord has a plan and there is a reason maybe the reason is for me, maybe it’s for you or someone else but this is what had to happen to prepare, strengthen, to learn and to grow. 

My dad was teaching me lessons while I was watching him die.  He was humbled beyond anything I have ever experienced, and I learned a lot staying there the summer of 01.

 

I remember the phone call August 12, 2002 and the guilt I carry with me to this day for not taking him on that last wheelchair walk like I promised.  I left that for a birthday party and told him I would go back. The regret I feel for not going over that morning because I was making a bouquet for a wedding. Things I put over spending every last minute with him... 

That phone call that shattered.  I though it was my dad asking why I wasn’t there yet. I answered and it was my mom and she said Elise dad died. Regret that none of his girlees where there when he went.  He died with his aunt there, because we were all going about our daily lives. 

Again WHY? 

I remember him telling me a story when his mom passed away how he was in the room with her and he had put his head down on his arm and he saw two sets of feet walk into the room, he looked up and saw nobody,  he put his head back down and watched 3 sets walk out. How close the veil is to us when we are so close to crossing over. He told me that he knew her parents had come to get her and she was gone! 

I live with the belief that his parents came for him and escorted him to the other side. What a great reunion that must have been. 

We will all experience death we will all have to grieve the loss of someone we love, someone who means the world to us. 

How will we grieve? 

How will we go on?

I testify that we will see our loved ones again, I know without a shadow of a doubt my dad has been there in some of my most recent darkest moments my moments of fear. Helping me loving me. We all have them they are waiting and watching us from the other side cheering us on. I  knew my dad was free of pain free of this mortal body that was weak, holding him back. I know he fought with everything he had I know he had faith. He told me he had enough faith that if he was suppose to be cured they could put water in his IV and he would be cured. 

He said his only regret was that he was leaving this world without his girlees... That’s what he called us, my mom and my 4 sisters his Girlees! I know he loved us. 

 I know he wanted to take us with him, but knew we all had a mission to fulfill on this earth. 

I haven’t taken his advice to not ask WHY? I still find myself asking WHY from time to time. The lord sends moments in life to change us and this was one of those moments for me. The moment I watched the most amazing, strongest man I love die. He died and took a shattered piece of me with him. 

Don’t let fear replace faith and don’t let the darkness take away your light in your moments of WHY? 

WHATS YOUR WHY? 

Part 1

It's hard talking about things that are so private, things that are humiliating, the things that make you vulnerable, the very things that have shattered you to your very core.

 The things that have made you feel like a failure in every sense of the word.  How do you open up all the darkest parts that your have spent your entire life protecting?

I had this overwhelming feeling in 2014 to write my story, I shared a little.  

 I wrote it all,  blogged it all and never published it. I know with certainty I am to share my story, I don’t know why? I have tried to ignore that promoting from the spirit since July when the answer to my prayer was SHARE, tell others your story.  I have gotten that answer many times since. I have written and written pages and pages, the writing was easy it’s the SHARING that is difficult. 

I am putting all my faith in the lord, knowing that his plan for me is greater than my own. 

My words from 2014

 I was living my perfect life I had married the love of my life, we were building this amazing life, had a beautiful daughter. I was happy, blissfully happy thought I had it all, I was living my dream.  Then it came this nagging feeling, something was wrong I knew it I felt it. I couldn't quite figure out what exactly. 

The distance that was now forming in my marriage. I asked if everything was fine many times, getting the same answer YES, I am happy. I started to just feel crazy, act crazy, then told I was crazy. I actually believed I was crazy.  If I was crazy why wouldn’t that nagging feeling just go away?   I prayed about it, asked the lord to help me understand why I was feeling this way.  That still small voice wasn’t small it was now yelling at me to listen trying to warn me that something was wrong and deep down I knew it! 

 I watched, I listened, looking for something anything to prove I actually was just crazy! 

I would have taken crazy over what this nagging feeling was telling me.  

Then a conversation with a friend about how touchy one of our other friends, my closest friends at the time was with my husband!

There it was the nagging feeling being witnessed by another.

I wasn’t clueless I had noticed this, I trusted my friend and trusted my husband.  I knew if I asked I would be told the same thing by both of them it’s nothing and again I would be left feeling crazy. 

Funny thing about small towns, we all knew eachother, we all hung out in the same circle of friends,  not to mention that she had actually dated my husband in high school. That nagging feeling was now uncomfortable, I no longer wanted my friend alone with my husband. 

Some of the last advice I would receive from my dad was this.  “Elise nothing is wrong with stopping a friendship if it making you feel uncomfortable.” So I did just that, I kept my distance.  

2 years later our kids would end up in the same carpool and lines of communication would open again. 

At this point I had another baby she was 8 months old, and I had just watched my dad lose his year long battle fighting cancer. 

I would come to regret that carpool decision. Allowing any kind of friendship again. Forgiving and forgetting! This time around when the nagging feeling began I kept it to myself, I watch and waited knowing exactly what the nagging feeling was and I wasn’t going to be called crazy. I had just found out we would be expecting our third child when the truth I had know deep down, the truth I had been dreading all along became real. My husband was having an affair with my friend.

The months that followed would be an emotional battle I wasn’t prepared for. My husband left for a training for work, the pregnancy and now I was carrying a secret his lies.  

I knew my job was to protect this unborn child, now I was going to do it for the next 16 weeks alone while he was at training. ALONE taking care of a 6 year old and a 2 year old. I was a mess crying all the time, I finally had to close myself off to everything so I could cope with life, so I could function. I did what I had to just to get us through each and every day.  I cut all ties with that so called friend. I was hurt by her, and I was shattered by my husband choice, for what they had now done twice. I knew the first time I actually wasn’t crazy like they said, and now no excuse either of them could give or lie about was ever going to make it better or make it all go away. 

Life went on and I kept that secret from the world.  I lost 25 lbs that pregnancy, I had just gotten a softball coaching job at the high school and I would coach pregnant and void of any and all emotion because if I let them out I would be letting people see a broken weak me. I had always been this tough strong girl,  and I wasn’t about to let anyone see anything but that.  I was living a lie. Because of this lie, I would cry alone at night or in the shower, because this secret was eating me alive and I was alone. 

He sent me an earthly Angel, he did that with a friend who said one day to me Elise I know. The relief that washed over me knowing I wasn’t going have to try and heal alone. 




He believes in me! I know he is the only one that can help heal this shattered heart and help me love the unshattered pieces of myself. Having faith that HIS plan is always going to be greater than MY own. Only He can direct you to the unshattered pieces! 

Doubt, Sadness, Fear

I have given these words so much power over me. It’s a daily battle and one I plead with the lord every day to take away. I find myself praying over these 3 words!

DOUBT wondering if anything you ever knew for the last 25 years were actually real?  I was told it was fake that some how someone faked it all! How does one say they faked all of the moments that were so real to me.
The moments that made up the last 25 years of my life? My happy times, my sad times, the life I spend so many hours creating and enjoying were fake to someone I shared all of them with? I have spent a lot of hours on my knees and in counsling trying to understand this comment. I was told by a good friend and at a later date by my councilor that all that matters are they were real to me. 
I try very hard each and every day to remember that It indeed was real to me I didn’t fake any of it. 
Doubt has made me question everything about myself, who I am, what I am, every decision and every emotion. 

SADNESS I have spent so many days not being able to pull myself out of bed, not being able to eat, being able to focus, I want to blame it on the lack of sleep but it is the sadness that prevents my sleeping. I have lived in this sadness and watched the sadness of my own children wondering how I can help them when I struggle to even help myself.

Here I am the mother failing because I couldn’t   help my own kids because my heart is shattered on a different level then their hearts. I am unable help them understand because for months I didn't have the answers to the never ending questions being asked because I didnt know the truth I didn’t UNDERSTAND!

FEAR is a constant, everyone watching me, I tried to not go out in public because of the fear of having to answer questions, fear of having people look at me, people staring, or anyone asking me questions I don’t  know the answers. Fear of the phone ringing or a text coming through because I feared who it is or what the message would say, truths that were being told to me and lies I was living. The fear of actually hearing and knowing the whole truth of it all. The truth I wanted from the one person who refused to give it to me and let me hear it from so many others.

Fear because I was left to clean up the mess I was left with and I didn’t know how. Am I strong enough to do so?  Fear that my kids would find out the truth of it all from someone else and that fear kept me from saying anything to them and in the end they did find out from others and again I had failed as a mother because of fear.

Fear on making any decision because would it be the right one? 

Fear that I can not take the pain away from my kids. I can not take away the sadness or doubt.

I know that my Heavely father is very mindful of all of these my doubt, my sadness and my fear. I know that he alone has the power to help with all of these not just for myself but also my kids. He is the way we find peace. Many times this song was sent to me. I love it and it makes me cry everytime I hear it. 

https://www.lds.org/youth/theme/2018?lang=eng

He is where I turned for the strength I needed for the questions I couldn’t answer. Where I turned when fear tired and almost destroyed me.

I have been blessed to be the mother even when I felt I was failing in every sense of the word. We are his sons and daughters and he wants us to feel that peace, even if it isn’t coming all at once and just in bits and pieces. Some days all I can feels is doubt, sadness and fear. I know he is always there and never leaves us.

Shattered

My Name is Elise, 2018 wasn’t a kind year, it left me feeling unloved, humiliated, rejected and most of all SHATTERED. There were days I questions everything. Days I couldn’t and didn’t get out of bed. Day where I wished the pain away. I felt alone, scared, like an EMPTY SHELL. I was forced on my knees and have spent months there begging and pleading with the lord. I was left with all these shattered pieces of someone else’s choices, the choice to leave the choice to walk way from it all. That choice of continued infidelity has changed everything. I have been carried by not only my earthly angels but also but the ones on the other side. This is my story.