Robbed @24

I was ROBBED... By what I consider the most awful thing ever... This thing has no compassion it takes, takes, takes and ruins life's and leaves emptiness. Yes what was taken can not be fixed or replaced. This thing did not think of how I would feel after it took from me. It did not even stop to consider what I would be losing, or how important it was to me. Plain and simple it just did not care. 

Like many other I was ROBBED by CANCER... I wish I could say I was not one of the many who is affected by cancer! :( sadly the impact that had on my life changed it forever. 

May 2001 I had just discovered I was expecting my 2nd child after trying for almost a year. The excitement of that news was short lived because the news we received shortly after was that my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. We were very optimistic in the beginning, radiation and chemo therapy started shortly after diagnosis. I tried to spend all the time I could at my parents house. Grateful that I lived close enough to do so. Fighting my dad for the bathroom him being sick with chemo and me morning sickness... Lucky for me mine would subside, he was not as lucky. He would say this chemo is killing everything good and bad in my body. He was hooked up to a stomach port for feeding because nothing tasted good due to the radiation he said everything tasted like metal and could care less if he ate. So port went into his stomach that we could hook to a machine to feed him a can that would give him nourishment. He would get so annoyed because a soda can size would take 2 hours to pump in. While I was growing my dad was shrinking and eventually lost all his hair. 

January 2002 we were blessed with our 2nd daughter, looking back at all the photos I am saddened because my dad refused to be photographed because he did not want us to remember him looking like a cancer patient. So thank you Cancer for stealing that moment from me... 

Treatment continued but my dad seemed to get worse and worse by May (1 year after diagnosis) he was to the point of not being able to walk anymore and was In so much pain. My husbands job required Him to leave for training for 12 weeks only coming home on weekends. Leaving me with 2 small children and a dad who was now no longer battling cancer but dying from it. 

After a new scan it was discovered that the cancer in the esophagus was no longer present but the cancer had spread to his bones. It was now everywhere. They could continues a more aggressive chemo but this would not save his life at this point nothing would. This chemo would only allow him more time. 

My dad chose to not do anymore treatments he chose quality over quantity of time.  

So what exactly did cancer rob from me you ask?  That awful no good disease referred to as CANCER took my dad at age 47, the memories that could have, would have, and should have been made between father and daughter, and grandpa and grandkids. Even if he would not allow us to take pictures of him during his cancer treatment and final days you can never erase from your memory. What cancer does to the body, he may have saved that image for future generations but for those of us that watched that battle from May 2001-August 2002 I know exactly what cancer did to him. It humbled him took away his dignity, his hair, his body deteriorated from a 6'4 260 lb. man to maybe 110 lbs skin hanging from bone and muscle completely void from the big strong body that once existed. We sat back helpless and watch the color and life drain from him. Cancer left a void and sadness that can never be replaced. 

I HATE you cancer and will never forgive you for what you ROBBED from me!!! 

Father’s Day

Father’s Day, my heart sank as I sat gazing through the windshield at that dark shadow of my dads headstone.  I couldn’t help wipe away the warm tears trickling down my cheeks as I walked towards it at 3 am. I sat resting my back against it and stared up at the stars. That moment how grateful I was that my father wasn’t alive to see the nightmare-ish sight of me.  

As I sat and reflected on the utter shattering of my heart, why I couldn’t keep it together and I began hiding again  the loss that lay before me.  I had my life’s journey with big, fairytale plans.  I had pictured my own “white picket fence”, and my perfect little family, complete with a “happily ever after”.  Unfortunately, that is not what lies before me. I had dreamed, built, worked hard, planned, and cared for that life. 

I wondered how many other people dread this day, or the whole month of June like me? 

Felt disappointment as their dreams shattered around them.  I wondered how many others like me; shattered, broken, abandoned, and left to piece things back together, when there life was ripped away. 

Life seemed to move forward without me the wee hours of this morning as I sat at the final resting place of the body of my dad. I knew he was there and I knew he was watching the tears. 

Transparency of my shattered pieces, he asked that I stopped trying to hide the pain of my past and all its difficulties. 

I have found that it is those shattered pieces of my heart is where God’s love and light shine for my unique purpose. I don’t understand why he wants me to share my humanness, my fragile pieces I want to keep hidden. 

Life is full of shattered pieces, illness, death, depression, addiction, loss of jobs, loss of insurance, divorce. These things in life that crack and damage our spirits. 

I may hate June but I know the lord won’t keep me here. In His own loving way, in his  own time God will renew these shattered pieces. He isn’t going to fix me the same as I was. I not sure she even exists anymore or that he will ever find the whole her. 

I sat in the cool morning breeze of this day and softly spoke to my dad. Letting the tears fall with every word. Knowing he could hear them all and that he was close by. Just wanting to hear his voice one more time, wanting to touch his hand, wanting nothing more than to cry in his arms. Knowing that wanting all those things will never bring him back. Knowing that I will see him again one day when my journey and mission in this life is fulfilled. 

This is why I write. 

I don’t know why it has happened this way. I not even sure why he wants me to live this. 

I do know this, as I have prayed this week and asked if it was okay if I went back into hiding all the shattered pieces of me and my story, if I had done enough. I really don’t want to write the next part as I am not wanting to share the pain of it. 

I took my prayers to the one place I knew I could listen without the world influencing that answer. I sat in that celestial room and I prayed. Asked and listened waiting  until I knew my answer, I didn’t like the answer but I knew. I attended twice that day and because I couldn’t just trust it the first time, I asked again and again it was the same. As I sat with my dad this morning I asked that he help his little girl heal from the wounds of this. 

I know the lord has a unique purpose for all of us. I know I am not alone in this journey, I know that like me there are so many others wishing this wasn’t what lies ahead of them. That they too feel the loss of the life and future which was taken.

Let us all allow the love of the savior to shine through our shattered pieces. 

Calm Before the Storm

A sense of despair and broke trust that’s what followed me for months and I hated that about myself. Forgiving that was difficult because I remember that he was self-centered, dishonest, entitled, irresponsible, impulsive, and aggressive through all of it. The comments that would haunt me remembering how cruel and cold he was.

The day he grabbed my leg and said if I didn’t know better I would think this was all fat.

The night we laid out on the tramp with the kids looking at stars and I said why would you give any of this up.

 His reply “we can always be friends with benefits.” 

How he told me I was crazy.

I had forgotten this until therapy brought it up a few weeks ago. A few month after moving back in he was sexting a co-worker at his office. She had just split from her husband and had gallbladder surgery.  When I read the messages between the two of them I tried to convince myself he is just being nice, but I knew that it was more then I wanted to give credit to. I shut down, went silent. That’s what I did when I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t crazy and that I wasn’t over reacting. He asked me what was wrong and I called him out on it, I repeated the whole text conversation to him.  He said I was just trying to be nice. Funny I don’t every remember texting any of my coworkers about how I would love to come over and make them feel better. Her asking him how much more weight she should lose.

I sent her a message and asked her to please stop sexting with my husband. 

I got no reply. 

I regret not seeing the signs of addiction then. Should I have pushed therapy then. I was angry at the lord so I wasn’t about to ask for his help I didn’t need his kind of help if he was going to allow me to continue living this trial in life. No thank you lord I will figure this out myself and for probably a good 6 months I didn’t pray, I attended church when I felt like it but that wasn’t often. I stopped paying my tithing you know because I was going to show him just how angry he had made me. Yep I wasn’t about to ask the lord for a thing. 

Too bad he couldn’t smack me upside the head. What I have learned is that he can’t and won’t take our free agency away. 

Good things for kids because I know I went back because I had a 8 year old boy wanting to be baptized like all his sisters cousins and friends. 

The lord gave me those little blessing to keep me Christ centered and that’s what softened my heart. 

I had decided that at this moment I had done what the lord had asked and that my marriage was worth saving. I was committed for time and all eternity. He was my person, he had made mistakes but I loved him all of him. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I didn’t want to actually. 

After this sexting incident,  I felt like he did the work. He helped restore the sense of safety and rebuilt trust and I believe every word of it. 

At times I suffered from sadness, disappointment and anger. I knew that no marriage was perfect and that everyone else also felt this way from time to time. The first year was plagued with fear, suspicion and some jealousy. My my mind was working on protecting my heart and was on full alert. I worked hard at keeping those feeling at bay and focused on forgiveness. 

I set some boundaries and we worked together to build. It took time but we did it I felt that we had come back and we were stronger then ever. I worked on building that self esteem that had been severely damaged. 

I had no idea what was in store for me. 

I got the the point of trusting him fully I didn’t suspect, I didn’t question, I still had triggers that would pop up like when he left town for work because of that LA trip that would reveal his affair. I didn’t doubt I felt he loved me just as much. We went on the live what I would describe our happy amazing lives with our 3 beautiful amazing kids. I honestly thought this made us better people that it brought us closer together, that it made us have a better marriage. 

Fast forward to 2017, 20 years together and we had this amazing love story. 

Many family vacations, weekend get aways. We had booked our anniversary cruise for July/Aug. 

I couldn’t have been more happy with my life. I had everything I ever wanted my Prince Charming and a wonderful love story that had survived what would have ruined other marriages. Nope we had conquered the ugly and were planning for the future, kids graduating and retirement right around the corner. We talked about traveling the world. What kind of grandparents we were going to be. I was so excited about this amazing future.

I had no idea the storm that had been brewing, the storm I knew nothing about. The storm that would destroy it all! 

I had no idea it was all a lie. I had no idea about the double life that was just about to surface.

Curve Balls

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Curve Balls

You can see the softball coming out in me even back then. after working for 8 months on the latest infidelity.

What was now in the past but was still having an affect on me. I wish I could go back and tell this girl to get some help. I wish I could tell her what was waiting for her in the future. I wish I could protect her from the next curve ball. 

I keep looking in that past wondering if there was something I missed, something I didn’t see.

 Was I that out of touch at what my life was?

 Was I just that blinded by love and trusted the person I no doubt wanted to spend eternity with? 

Could I have stoped what was coming? 

As I read back my heart breaks all over again for the love that I freely gave and forgiveness that I worked so hard to find.

2012 me moving on, forgiving and building what I thought was such an amazing life. Posting on my family blog. 

So it's been awhile since I have even been on this thing. I found 2 posts I started and never finished so I posted them anyway. How time slips away.

 My excuse of not blogging stems from my,  if you don't have anything good to talk about.  Life is not all about the good! Sometimes life throws you curve balls. I can choose to foul it off and wait for a better pitch or I can watch it go by and hope it’s not called a strike. What I learned form 2011 I hated most of it. life threw me a curve ball and I had to make a choice to foul it off or stand there and strike out. I was determined to get a better pitch and realized just what was important to me and that was my eternal family. I would do anything for any of them and I would keep fouling off the curve balls to ensure that better pitch. They were the one and only thing that mattered to the lord and to me. I learned that in life things indeed happen for a reason and people come into your life and bless it! That curve balls are thrown to people everyday and it's how you choose to move forward! I am moving forward and forgetting the past forgiving because it takes a lot more energy to hate! I just hope I never have another 2011.

I guess if need be, I will just not let it define me as a half empty kind of person. So for posting its going to happen more often because my life is not perfect and it has it's ups and downs and when my grandchildren read this maybe they will see the good and the bad and realize that you are able to carry on despite the curve balls!

 Let's just hope I can keep this attitude the next time I receive a curve ball. There is no curve ball that the two of us with the lords help can’t overcome. He will deliver that better pitch. 

Cracked Pot

 I had been praying for the words to write next. Judging myself like so many others. 

I had asked the lord if he wants me to share he was going to have to give me the words to write.

I fasted this morning, because I could use some extra help with the next coming weeks. Let me just say therapy is rough and healing actually hurts and I want to quite, give up because living the past hurts. 

As I sat in sacrament today, The speaker started talking about the past him and there it was my answer. The still small voice saying you have already written the words.

I have hundreds of words written, journals, notes saved in my phone.

I thought great I guess I will be doing some reading when I get home. 

Some of these words I still can’t even make myself re-read because they are so painful. This was written by me back in March 2013.

I started questioning if I am healthy?

 Body, mind, and spirit! The answer to that question in my life has had so many ups and downs. There has been a time when physically I have been in the best shape of my life, I could not keep up with working out twice a day for an hour so I have slacked on that! 2 years ago I think spiritually I was at an all-time high until that curve ball hit ( me speaking of the affair with A from Carbon County) I am not sure that I have ever fully recovered.  my mind,  that who knows, I have never been top of my class I got good grades and graduated with honors but I had to work my butt off for that and I think the older I get the worse I am. I am not sure that I will ever be smart! 

The mind that is a funny thing I have some serious insomnia and the things that my mind can conjure up, its not always good.  Let just say I am getting older and my priorities have changed, things have been really annoy me lately so I have been doing a lot of reading and searching and I have come up with a few things. 

First I may or may not have been upset with the lord ( I will be more honest then 2013 me, I was furious with the lord.)  Sounds so stupid I know but it’s that grudge holding I do that I am not proud of. 

I know you can’t get help without asking but you know what there was a point that I asked, I prayed for the lord to protect me from this happening again and probably may have even begged... alright I did! 

 The anger for not getting the result I wanted, Instead of the results that were best for me. The ones that would help me learn and grow! I have been stuck because of this. I did come up with all of this in my insomnia so I have to be grateful for insomnia even just a little.

This is what I have found in my search for answers it really gave me a new perspective.
There’s an old story about two pots. One was perfect in every way. The other had cracks and broken places. Each day a woman filled the pots with rainwater she collected and then carried them down the path to her home. The first pot felt proud that it never spilled a single drop. The other felt ashamed because no matter how hard she tried, she lost a lot along the way. One day the two pots overheard the woman talking with someone who lived nearby. The neighbor exclaimed, “The flowers along your path are so beautiful! What’s your secret?” The woman answered, “One of my pots is broken and the water that spills out helps the flowers grow every day.”
He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our sins, the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. As I pause and considere a new perspective on how my hurt begain. I realized that through Christ’s wounds we are healed and because He lives in us, our wounds can bring healing to others too.
We think that we have to take what’s broken and make it perfect in order to be used by God and bless others. But God thinks in a completely different way. He took what was perfect, His Son, and made Him broken in order to bring us healing. So if you’re sitting there wondering if God can use you because your life is not as it should be, and your heart is aching know that your greatest hurt will probably be your greatest blessing.

Some people in your life need to see your broken places more than your victories. We’re all like the second pot in the story. Our “April showers” can truly lead to “May flowers” because God sees purpose in our brokenness even when we don’t, and He can use it to bring forth beauty that blesses those around us. 

I bare testimony that this is true. I have seen it with my own eyes I am just sometimes too stubborn to admit it. I hope that I can continue with my forward progress and I will no longer be stuck. I hope I will be able to enjoy my own "April showers and "May flowers in life.

 My favorite flowers!

That is what I did I healed and I forgave and I believe every word when he said how sorry he was and that he believed it made us better happier people with a better marriage. 

The next few posts will be from my private family blog what I wrote about healing and loving and moving forward in my happy life that I had no idea was a lie. 

  

            Through the broken cracks.  

             God heals broken pieces.  

     Let His Light shine to comfort others.

God wanted me to share then and because of shame and fear I was scared.

Now I hope to comfort others with the comfort god has give me. 

Listen

Have you ever had one of those out of body experiences? I am talking about saying and doing things you never in you life have before? That moment when something else takes over and your cant and don't think clear and all logic goes completely out the window?  something else takes over entirely?

I am not sure if that something else is shock, trama, adrenalin PTSD. Your mind has shuts down from lack of sleep, lack of food and water, lack of safety. 

Yes this has happened to me, I am blunt, say what and how I feel. This far exceeded that! 

Truly that is how I felt for months like I had completely and totally lost it! I could not control anything around me. I had lost the ability to think or function in daily life. 

I hadn’t been making any wise choices I was just trying to make it through the day and trying to find anything to numb that pain. 

This night I was at home reading and the feeling, unsettled feeling. The first time I heard it go, I brushed it aside,  the lord wanted to help me I questioned after all the bad choices I was making. There it was the still small voice speaking to me and I ignored it. Granted this is 11:00 at night. Then again get up, GO! This time the hair stood on the back of my neck and I knew I couldn’t ignore it. 

I got up and left I didn’t say a word to anyone. I can even still remember what I was wearing cut off teal sweats with paint on them and a black youth volleyball shirt. I got in my car and headed in the direction I know the lord wanted me to go without knowing the reason. Something is wrong and every part of me can sense it. The lord is helping me even after I have made a mess of myself and all my stupid choices trying to numb the pain of my husband abandoning me.  

I drive down the lane and discover a car parked below still running and someone inside. I at first don't think of this as odd until I turn my car around and I can tell it’s a female sitting in the drivers seat the house is dark not a light on. I park get out and head for the door of the house. This is when it happens the car comes speeding past almost hitting my car in the process.  Standing on the poarch stunned for a moment I turn around run to my car and I follow. I know in my gut this is the girl, you know the one he isn’t talking to. He has been gone for 3 weeks and has been living in his grandparents house for 4 days. 

I call him and no answer,  I then call that stupid password protected phone, yep no answer either. 

I am losing it with ever passing second, and every call I make that is being ignored. I can’t even think straight. 

I then call the girl, she won’t answer either. The next phone call would be to someone I think knows what she drives. The only thing I remember from the conversation is this.   “Don’t do anything that you will go to jail for.”

I planed to follow that car and I didn’t  care how long it took or where it stoped.   I was going to have a face to face conversation with A from Carbon County! 

10 minutes later my phone rings and I say to my husband,  I am following a car that just left your grandparents house. I have tried calling you multiply times, thanks for ignoring me. He said oh I was asleep and didn’t hear my phone ring. 

This angers me because I know it’s a lie, I tell him, put me on speaker and you use your other phone on speaker call the office and run the plate for me. I already know who it’s going to come back to.  I wasn’t about to let him lie his way out of this one. 

Well what do you know... Sure enough I was indeed nagged for a reason to get up and go! He says I had no idea, stupid must be written on my forehead. You have lived there for 4 days and she knows where it is? Yep not stupid enough to buy that lie. I tell him he might as well contact her and let her know I will be following her. I am angry at him for yet again lying to me, when I am following the proof. 

Finally after following for 30 mins driver finally pulls over! 

I jump out and the voice in the back of my head repeats,  don't do anything that is going to land you in jail it's not worth it.  I won't say that I don't wish even years later that I would have. 

That voice kept me from doing so, but my mouth would not stop it just kept opening and the stuff that was coming out shock even me, not enough to stop. It was as time slowed down, like I was standing there watching this incident not actually participating. 

 I won't repeat anything that was said, most of it wasn’t kind or Christ like at all. 

She lied, because that’s what cheaters do they lie. I told her I knew where she lived and was prepared to tell her husband she begged me not to and I got in my car and drove away. 

His game was up whatever lies he was telling her she now knew the truth. I knew the truth and all he could do was lie. 

I met with him in the wee hours of August 6th, 2011

He promised nothing had happened and was glad the lord had sent me, that the girl was crazy and must be stalking him. How bad I wanted to believe his words, but I knew they were not true she had told me he told her were he lived. I told him this and he said are we going to keep fighting about the past or move forward. I had to make a choice that night what I wanted, I had to also set boundaries. I would say a silent pray to the lord to help me and knew he had sent me here for a reason. He would spend weeks telling and proving that this is exactly what he wanted and how sorry he was. 

This post was so hard for me to even re-read knowing what if I hadn’t listen to that still small voice that night. Looking back I know the lord sent me. He warned me of danger and had placed me in that path for a reason.  I know I could have just ignored that still small voice. I am still trying to piece it all together now.  Reading the past I know I loved a man unconditionally!  I was never returned that love. I forgave him and gave him my heart again and again, I trusted his words that this would never happen again. He made promises that stupid me actually believed with all of me that he would never break. 

My trust and unconditional love handed him that bullet to shatter my soul. 

 

        

Take his hand

Here is the ugly truth the vulnerable moments of truth. I have put off converting this because this last few weeks have been rough. I didn’t want to live the words I wrote after this night and share another of my failures. 

Share that’s the message I have been sent multiply times this last week and again today. There it was black and white for me to read the page full of words and these ones jumping off the paper. 

SHARE!

I was as angry, so very angry that here I was again after, forgiving, creating a happy joyful life and moving forward, being happy, HAVING PEACE.

 I was angry and guess who I was going to take it out on?  The lord!  I was going to show him just how angry I was at him, because I knew he had the power to prevent it. Why would he let this happen again? Why would I have to live this nightmare again? This time it wasn’t my friend, this time it was a stranger, some random person who wasn’t part of our lives. That knife in my back, pushed so deep it was stabbing me in the heart.

That anger was all Satan needed, he would reach out his hand and  I would make the choice to take it. That choice would lead me down a path of destruction, a path of seeking, a path of danger. 

My anger at the lord was because I thought we were doing good, that we had moved on and were great.  He had just stood the month before and bore his testimony in sacrament and we had been attending the temple every month and now this?  Why did I have to live this again? The damage that was done last time. He knew what I had to overcome, the demons that I fought, self esteem issues, insecurity, anxiety fear. 

I was angry for the lord letting me be happy if he were just going to take it all away.

The night he left, that was the night I would lose a pieces of me, the shatter pieces that would change me and not for the better.

I let all my rage out at the lord.

I didn’t realize how hard Satan was working on me and I actually didn’t care. 

I just wanted this pain to go away and I was about to do anything to make it.

I stared abusing my anti depressants and my sleeping pills because they would make me numb, I could use them to numb the pain, I could not feel and that’s what I wanted to be

numb to not feel any of it. 

This would only last so long, I had changed medication a few times and I had a good supply. 

 I just wanted to feel nothing and I took enough to get that feeling. Then I came to realize that I couldn’t get a refill. I was going to have to find something else. One night I turned to the next best thing that I thought would numb the pain.  I decided the next best option would be alcohol, that I could get easily. Stupid me decide that was the next best option to numb the pain. 

If the lord wasn’t going to take the pain and fix it, I was going to find a way to do it myself. That is with the help of my new friend Satan. You know that great friend that swooped in to help me.  He was going to show me the way to all the options of numbing the pain. 

I went to a friends knowing they would have what I needed and I asked for them to mix me whatever would get me drunk. 

This process wouldn’t take long, I would end up passed out on the living room floor. 

I awoke to the room dark and spinning along with my stomach. I had to crawl myself to the bathroom. I knew what was going to come next. 

I can say this wasn’t the outcome I had expected it might have numbed the pain but all my numbing was about to surface. 

I was now face first in a toilet emptying my stomach content which was purely toxic liquid. 

After what seems like hours of resting my head on the toilet seat wondering if this would ever stop.

I knew I had to get home so I stumbled out that door in the wee hours of the morning not even thinking that I was probably way to intoxicated to drive. My keys were in my ignition. I started my car and drove myself home. I still wonder to this day how I ever made it home without killing myself or someone else, or at least wrecking my car and landing myself in all sorts of hot water for a DUI. Satan watching out for me that night? He had long gone off to grab the next shattered hand. He wasn’t making sure I made it home safely.

There I was spiraling out of control not even thinking of the consequences of my choices. 

A total backfire, instead of the pain feeling numb, I felt sick I would do most of my sleeping and most of the next day close to the bathroom. Nobody seemed to mind or think twice since I hadn’t left my bed much in the weeks leading up to this unless I absolutely had to.

The following day I would feel awful not only physically but mentally also.

I would receive a text from my friend asking how I was and lecturing me for driving they had no idea my keys were in my car. I remember asking why did you let me do that? They said who were we to stop you and I knew you were at least safe that you were going to find a way to do it anyway. The next question came with a snicker and made me even more angry. “How do you feel” my simple reply, awful.  I didn’t expect the next comment, GOOD I hope you do, and that you learned a lesson and will never do that again.

Why would I? The pain was still there and Now my body felt like crap. I would stick with abusing my antidepressants and stay away from the alcohol. 

I know our enemy doesn’t know all, he can’t read our minds, he can’t possess the power to have the full knowledge that God has. He observes our behavior, decisions, and knows our weaknesses. He was waiting for me to take his hand again to let him help me find a way to take the pain away and I was going to take it again. He knew how worthless I felt.  That one person that promised me the world just told me that I was worthless and not worth the fight. 

I should have stayed very aware that he had been studying me, that he could predict my responses based on my worthless sense of self . He knew what I needed and because I had taken his hand, he was going to lead me to that false numbing.

I will promise you this the enemy will use any of our shortcomings to his advantage against us, but he still does not know what God knows.

He is all knowing.

He sees all 

He knows all. 

He knows everything about us.

Every word before we say it and every thought before we think it. And He still loves us more than we could ever imagine. 

Even when we are numbing our pain with medication and alcohol.

He is the One we live for. We trust in his truth, not the hand, or the lies of the enemy.

I would live weeks in this state letting Satan convince me that he was my friend. 

That spiritual battle around me, It was hard to let go of Satans hand, he would continue to show me things that would help numb the pain. I was exhausted and wasn’t sure I had the strength to stop. 

I felt all alone then one day the messages started and I though this was my answer someone to pay attention. I was sucked in then one day I decided the numbing just wasn’t working because the attacks keep coming.

God longing for me to know His love. He is kind and merciful. 

The savior had died on the cross for all our sins and I knew that if I continued down this path that darkness I felt would consume me. I knew I had to let go of his hand he had lured me away from that light of Christ. He was fighting for my hand also but wasn’t doing it with temptations, fear, lies or manipulation but with love. 

So I did, I let go of some of my anger that had been building up for months and I let go of Satans hand. Then I asked the lord to forgive me and to help me know that He is with me. I knew he was fighting for me too, I had just turned my back in anger. 

I needed his protection from myself and from Satan. I asked him to help me stand strong. I knelt down and cried for the choice I made in my anger.

 Let his light shine from you!

Don’t let the lies of the enemy dim that light from you, because I promise you the lord will never let go of you hand but Satan will!

My Beautiful daughter drew this and it fits perfect.